over 100 questions to review with your sweetheart before you go any further

When my parents got married, they hardly knew each other. My dad had been serving in the Navy during the Korean Conflict, and my mom was a young teenager on the Canadian prairies. Her dad had recently died and she’d quit school to earn some cash to help out at home. In 1953 my dad was stationed on Vancouver Island. He took a leave and traveled by bus to southern Alberta to marry my mom. They hadn’t seen each other in nearly three years; she was not quite 18 years old. The night before the wedding they had a terrible fight – raising their voices. SHE hurled out “I don’t want to marry you!” HE surprised her by adding “I don’t want to marry you either.” That sobered them both up and they asked “What are we gonna do?” SHE said “I don’t know. But if we don’t get married, Mom will kill me. She’s been cooking all day.” . . . . . now this is a good moment to pause and reflect. Gramma was a widow with 8 children, struggling to make ends meet. My parents – being kids, decided that under the circumstances, their best option was to get married. Within 48 hours, they had all her worldly possessions packed into two suitcases, and were on a bus headed for the coast. Predictably, their life was not an easy one, they had little common ground. But they struggled their way through it.

Many years later, when I wasn’t much older than my mother had been, Dan and I lived in different cities during our courtship. Consequently we spent many hours on the highway driving from one place to the other. I lived in Cold Lake on the Military base finishing high school, Dan lived in Edmonton – a four hour drive. During those long drives (mostly in the winter and mostly in the dark), radio had poor reception the further north we drove, so we filled the time by talking. We shared opinions, philosophies and perspectives, as well as histories, traditions and dreams. We got to know each other. Touching just about every subject we could think of, we learned things about ourselves and each other, found common ground, made compromises, established boundaries, and agreed to agree on many things. I shared my fledgling testimony of the gospel.

Flashing forward a handful of years, we discovered that the things we understood better because of those long uninterrupted conversations set the groundwork for many little successes in our relationship. We had shared feelings about things that were important to us at the time, and made commitments of mutual respect to honour those feelings. We had sorted out some differences that likely would have been divisive later on.

We made a series of very important commitments to each other that sustained us for the decades that followed. We could not have guessed at how important or long lasting and strengthening those discussions would become. One thing we agreed on in those early years – long before any children came our way, was to never argue in front of our children. We agreed to never raise our voices at each other, never swear at each other, belittle or speak poorly of each other, never undermine the other – and above all, to maintain a “united front” of solidarity and mutual respect in front of our children. We understood that we wouldn’t always see eye to eye, but we agreed to take care of those issues privately until we did.

We had discussed family traditions, those we grew up with, those we observed outside our families, and those we wanted to establish in our future home. There were many things we couldn’t have anticipated, but in retrospect I am surprised at how many we did anticipate or accidentally hit on. I’ve always been glad we had that time – undisturbed by default, devoted to learning about each other as individuals, and US as a future family. It helped. It truly helped. Marriage is difficult enough – the merging of personalities, priorities, different backgrounds, expectations, feelings of right and wrong, and unique understanding of the world we live in. Difficult enough without adding powerful differences like our personal relationships with, and how we felt about God. We talked about that too; my feelings were much stronger. I had seen opposing examples of family life with God and without God, and my decision to establish a house with God had been cemented. Dan didn’t share that conviction but he respected it. It was almost enough.

As our kids grew up and began courting themselves, it became clear to me that they didn’t take the time to discuss the things I felt strongly that they needed to. They didn’t have those undisturbed hours on the highway without music or talk radio. I began to worry that they wouldn’t enjoy the unplanned but much appreciated benefit of those discussions that had served Dan and I so well. I decided to write down some of the questions that came to mind – the ones that stayed with me and that I was most grateful we had gone through. There will always be things one discovers later, things you wish you had talked about, ‘surprises’, but hopefully – with learned communication skills and a greater appreciation of the inner workings – they can be handled better.

The list of questions in this article is intended to be the beginning of ongoing dialogue between couples who are seriously dating and moving toward marriage.  Ultimately, its purpose is to increase understanding and mutual respect between both and to prevent bringing unnecessary baggage to the marriage alter. 
Please go through them together, and in order as they are designed to progress – one section upon the other, from Temporal issues to Spiritual issues.  Take your time, don’t rush through them. I suggest dedicating a whole week to each question. I also suggest you add your own questions as they come to mind.

You may discover one or two questions are repeated – this is not an accident.  It is intended that the question be considered from a different perspective.  Perhaps in your discussions, you might realize you have new insight. Perhaps in your discussions, you may find that your differences are irreconcilable. That will be very sad, but much better before the wedding than after. It happened twice in our family. It was sad to watch our kids’ broken hearts – but far better than marrying with those differences.

Temporal

1. FINANCES
   Money, and the use/misuse of it, is unavoidably part of our everyday lives and is one of the biggest causes for contention, arguments, and divorce.

? What is my/your/our – commitment toward TITHING?  What is my / your testimony regarding this important commandment?  What do I pay tithing based on – the gross or the net?  How do I determine that?  How strict am I in my obedience?  We know that tithing is a principle with a promise.  What promise?  What blessings do I expect in return for my obedience?  Is it wrong to expect a blessing when I am obedient to the principle upon which it is founded?

– Who will handle the day-to-day finances?
– What are our long term financial goals?
– What sacrifices are we prepared to make to reach those goals?
– What are our financial goals for the next year? For the next five years?                         
– What kind of a budget will we set up? What kind of commitment will we have to it?
– How will we pay for dentist bills? Eye glasses? Prescriptions? Car repairs? Emergency purchases like a new furnace? New fridge?
– How will we make large purchases?
– The strong counsel of the church has always been to stay out of unnecessary debt. What would constitute unnecessary debt? What is debt justified for?
– How do I personally / you personally / we – feel about debt? What commitment do we have to adhering to the counsel of prophets on this important subject?
– What purchases would we consider going into debt for?
– Credit cards are a valuable tool in our world. They are also the vehicle for a terrible form of bondage. In what ways is this true? What is my commitment toward the use of credit cards? What am I willing to do without in order to keep that commitment?
– How will we fit gifts into our budget? For each other? For others? How will we plan to pay for Christmas?
– What is normal in my family / your family – regarding gift giving? What is tradition? What do I / you want to continue? What adjustments are we willing to make in order to be unified in this area?
– Regarding gifts, does equal mean ‘the same’ / identical? Do we need to provide the ‘same’ way in order to provide equally? Do we need to spend the ‘same’ in all things in order to be equal? Do our individual needs, need to be ‘the same’ in order to be of equal importance?
– Keeping in mind that we come from two entirely different backgrounds, what is important to one family, may not be important (or even meaningful) to the other. If one family has never done something before, and has no expectation of it, how necessary is it to begin doing it, simply to keep things ‘equal’ between our two families?
– What examples can we think of that this might apply to? What can we do to avoid this being a contentious issue? What changes or compromises do I/you/we feel are important to make so that we bring the best of both our upbringings to this area, and so that we are both comfortable?
– What things, or in what areas do I/you personally consider important enough to spend money that may not be an area others would consider important? What do I/you consider unimportant? What do I/you consider a waste of money? What would I/you really have a problem justifying spending money on?
– What do I consider fair in the way of financial accountability to each other, and what do I consider over the top and being too controlling or too controlled?
– There is a big difference between the financial struggle that accompanies shared goals, effort, sacrifice and growth, and when that ‘struggle’ morphs into feelings of helplessness and even despair.   Although uncomfortable, struggle and growth are healthy and good.   But there is no peace in debt.  Living beyond our means soon enough causes distress.  Financial distress causes despair.  
– In what ways is despair different than struggle? How will we be able to tell the difference?
– What will we do if somehow, we have allowed ourselves to get into a financial situation that causes despair?   What measures will we take to rescue ourselves? How will we stay united in this effort?
– What commitment do we make to stand on our own two feet as a new family? 
– At what point do we go to our families and ask for help? How do we avoid or prevent ourselves from asking for help too frequently and expecting someone else to repeatedly rescue us from poor choices we’ve made? 
– Who will we feel comfortable asking for help?  When do we ask for help?  And what arrangements do we make to repay that help?  
– How important is it to share our good fortune with others? What obligation should we feel toward being charitable? What does charity mean to me/you?  Is giving without sacrifice really charity?   What sacrifices are we willing to make to help another in need?             

2. CAREER
You don’t have to choose career over marriage or marriage over career. You really should have both – and you can have both. TALK. And figure those details out together as you mutually move toward your goals.

– What are his or her long range career goals?      
– Where does he or she realistically expect to be in one year? Five years? Ten years?
– What effort will be required to achieve these goals?
– What sacrifices are we prepared to make to accomplish these goals?
– What skill will we have acquired sufficiently and have enough experience in, to fall back on if or when an additional wage is needed?
– What are we willing to do to ensure that she or he has an additional marketable skill?
– Will she work after children come into the family?
– What are our feelings in this area?  What are our family backgrounds in this area?  What are our personal priorities?  How has my/your attitude and commitment been influenced by the experiences and priorities we grew up with?
– How important is it to me that our children have a mom home fulltime?  How important is it to you?
– The Proclamation on the Family states: “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.”
– How important is it to us that we are in line with this or any other prophetic counsel?
– What adjustments in our attitudes and perspectives do we need to make to be reconciled with this prophetic counsel?
– What are we willing to sacrifice to achieve this?

3. HOUSEHOLD CHORES

* No matter how much we’d like to avoid them, they’re part of our life. While it is important to have spousal roles established, it is equally important to be flexible.

For instance: in our marriage, the house has always been Mom’s responsibility although Dad was quick to help whenever it was needed.  Providing financially has always been Dad’s responsibility, but Mom has always done whatever possible to help ease the burden, and for awhile became the major breadwinner.
Cars and yard work have always been Dad’s domain, while gardening has always been Mom’s, although both have chipped in when needed. Dad does the heavy work, Mom does the ‘fiddley’ work. Dad enjoys barbequing, Mom enjoys indoors cooking. Dad wants meat so he, for the most part cooks it, otherwise we would be eating much less of it.  Those were our established ‘roles’, that we ourselves chose and were comfortable with.  At times however, necessity demanded that we adjust – sometimes dramatically for a time.  It was an ‘adjustment’, sometimes even a painful adjustment, but not a reversal of roles. When the need abated, former rolls fell back into place.  – Cindy Suelzle

– What are your priorities in the area of roles and expectations?
– The Proclamation on the Family states: “In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”
– How will the chores be divided up? How will they differ or adjust when ‘she’ quits work to nurture children?  Or continues working? 
– Who will take responsibility for what area?
– What are our role definitions?
– What are our role expectations?
– What skills do I need to acquire or improve upon to be a better wife/mother/nurturer?
– What skills do I need to acquire or improve upon to be a better husband/father/provider?
– What am I willing to do to learn better skills, and what am I prepared to do to help YOU learn and grow in your responsibilities?

4. FOOD, NUTRITION and HEALTH

There’s a connection. Undeniably.

– What do we consider important here?
– What foods are “comfort foods” to me?  or my personal or traditional favorites?   Do I have an opinion on the ‘type’ of foods we eat as a family?
– Am I willing to have new food experiences?
– What foods do I have a strong dislike to?  How will we compromise here?
– Review Section 89 of the D&C.
– How do we interpret this section? What are our insights? To what extent are we willing to follow the noncompulsory parts of its direction?
– What kind of responsibility do I feel toward proper nutrition?  
– What are my standards on the “quality” of the food we buy or grow?

– How will we deal with minor illnesses in our family?
– What kinds of medication do I consider appropriate?
– How will we deal with major illnesses?

5. FAMILY PREPAREDNESS and FOOD STORAGE

“When we were newly married, we decided on some basic things which we thought were important to acquire for our independence and self reliance. ie: a few flashlights, coal oil lanterns with extra wicks and sufficient oil for many days use, wheat grinder, food dehydrator, canner, sufficient jars for home canning, juicer, battery operated radio etc.  Money was always an issue. We used birthdays and Christmases and any other opportunity to acquire them for each other or to put on our wish lists if anyone else was interested. ”
– Cindy

– What are our priorities in the area of Family Preparedness and Emergency Preparedness? – What is the difference?  
– What are our goals?  What are we prepared to do to meet these goals?
– Read David A. Bednar’s talk WE WILL PROVE THEM HEREWITH

There is strong counsel to STORE WHAT YOU EAT, AND EAT WHAT YOU STORE.  To store food you don’t normally eat, doesn’t make any sense at all.  But to not eat what you’ve got stored so that it is constantly be rotated, also doesn’t make sense, and leads to waste. 

– What are our individual opinions on the counsel to store food? 
– How do we feel about that counsel and what is my/your/our commitment to it? 
– How does that counsel fit into what we see going on in the world around us? 
– How much of our family budget are we prepared to spend building up and then maintaining our year’s supply of food and other necessities?
– How will we obey the prophet’s counsel to plant a garden in whatever living situation we find ourselves?  Remember that we receive no commandment without the Lord providing a way for us to accomplish that thing. (1N3:7)

6. ENTERTAINMENT and GIFTS

“When there is a good movie in town, consider going to the theater as a family. Your very patronage will give encouragement to those who wish to produce this type of entertainment, and use that most remarkable of all tools of communication, television, to enrich their lives. There is so much that is good, but it requires selectivity. Let those who are responsible for any efforts to put suitable family entertainment on television know of your appreciation for that which is good and also of your displeasure with that which is bad. In large measure, we get what we ask for.” 
“…if there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.” (A/F 13)
– Gordon B. Hinckley

– How will we honour ‘date night’?
– Do we like to host? What is important to me/you in hosting?
– What is my favorite type of entertainment?
– What type of entertainment would I consider as a regular form of entertainment?
– On a monthly basis?
– On a once in awhile basis?
– On a seasonal/yearly/anniversary celebration basis?
– How much money would I consider fair and reasonable to budget/spend on these forms of entertainment?

– Some couples do not give gifts to each other.  Some consider it very important.  How do I feel about it?  
– How do YOU feel about it? If our opinions differ, what will we do here?
– What do I expect in the way of a birthday gift? Christmas gift? Anniversary gift?
– What would disappoint me and hurt my feelings concerning a gift from you?
– What would I absolutely love to receive from you?
– What type of gift would always be a hit with me?

7. PERSONAL STANDARDS

Personal standards are hugely important, and their variance affects every facet of our lives.  We are ruled by our own personal standards.  So what are mine?  And am I consistent with them?  Do they transition smoothly to all areas? 

“The flood of pornographic filth, the inordinate emphasis on sex and violence are not peculiar to North America. The situation is as bad in Europe and in many other areas. The whole dismal picture indicates a weakening rot seeping into the very fiber of society. Legal restraints against deviant moral behavior are eroding under legislative enactments and court opinions. This is done in the name of freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom of choice in so-called personal matters. But the bitter fruit of these so-called freedoms has been enslavement to debauching habits and behavior that leads only to destruction. A prophet, speaking long ago, aptly described the process when he said, “And thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell” (2 Nephi 28:21). ……. I am satisfied that there is no need to stand still and let the filth and violence overwhelm us or to run in despair. The tide, high and menacing as it is, can be turned back if enough … will add their strength to the strength of the few who are now effectively working. I believe the challenge to oppose this evil is one from which members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, as citizens, cannot shrink. …. Respect for self is the beginning of virtue in men. That man who knows that he is a child of God, created in the image of a divine Father and gifted with a potential for the exercise of great and godlike virtues, will discipline himself against the sordid, lascivious elements to which all are exposed.”
– Gordon B. Hinkley

– How do I feel about protecting my home, my family and myself from the plague of Pornography?
– What steps am I prepared to take against it?
– What about Inappropriate music? And other forms of entertainment which chase away the spirit of God?
– How do I feel about the prophet’s admonition to not watch R–rated movies, or anything like unto them?
– How important is it to me to have the spirit of the Lord in my home at all times? What am I prepared to do to make sure it is always there?
– Do I sup from the scriptures daily? And do I consider it important to study daily as a couple and family?
– How will we do this?  What commitment will we make to each other to continue?
– If circumstances interfere from time to time, what will we do to get back-on-the-wagon?
– How important is it to me to align myself with the counsel of the leaders of the church?   Of what value is this in my life?   
– How important is it to me to have a clean house?   What does this even look like to me?   What am I prepared to do to accomplish this?
– Do we have similar standards on personal hygiene/grooming? Are we compatible in this area?
– How important is it to me to keep a close relationship with my immediate family?
– What am I prepared to do to learn to appreciate and come to love YOUR family?
– If one of my siblings needs help, what obligation will I feel toward them? Will I feel the same obligation to one of your siblings?

Etiquette is a societal thing; it changes from one society to another, but wherever you live, it is very important.  It is a set of ‘norms’ of personal behaviour in polite society.  They show respect to others.  Eating at someone else’s table where you don’t understand proper etiquette can be offensive, disrespectful, intimidating and embarrassing.  Learning regional and cultural variances is easy to adjust to when you have a good foundational knowledge of some basics.  Understanding and being comfortable with good table manners will always put an individual in the advantage.  – Cindy Suelzle

– How important are table manners and table etiquette including setting a proper table to me? How will they help us be comfortable in social situations and help our kids to be comfortable eating with others as they grow older?
– What about good manners in general?

Speaking about personal respect for each other . . . .

– How will we show respect to and for each other?  
– How will we honor each other?
– How should we treat each other in public?  What things should we agree to NOT discuss with other people?  
– What guidelines could we agree on to ensure that we do not say things around other people that may hurt our sweetheart’s feelings?  
– How will we know when we have offended our sweetheart’s feelings?  And what will we do about it?
– What do I consider RUDE?   What do I consider inconsiderate or thoughtless?
– How do we fix things between us?
– What do I need to feel ‘safe’ enough to discuss with you, things that are important to me? …things that are sensitive to me? …. things that are hurtful to me?  
– What can I do to help YOU feel ‘safe’ enough to discuss those things openly with me?
– We have been admonished to study “out of the best books”. What do we consider Best Books?
– How important is a “gospel library” to me?
– How important is it to me to have a good “classic library”?  
– What kind of plan should we implement to accomplish our goal?  

“You know that your children will read.  They will read books, and they will read magazines and newspapers.  Cultivate within them a taste for the best.  While they are very young, read to them the great stories which have become immortal because of the virtues they teach.  Expose them to good books.  Let there be a corner somewhere in your house, be it ever so small, where they will see at least a few books of the kind upon which great minds have been nourished. …  Let there be good magazines about the house, those which are produced by the Church and by others, which will stimulate their thoughts to ennobling concepts.  Let them read a good family newspaper that they may know what is going on in the world without being exposed to the debasing advertising and writing so widely found.”
– Gordon B. Hinckley

– How important is music to me?
– What do I consider worthy/appropriate music?  How do I feel about a music library?

“Let there be music in the home. If you have teenagers who have their own recordings, you may be prone to describe the sound as something other than music.  Let them hear something better occasionally. Expose them to it.  It will speak for itself.  More appreciation will come than you may think.  It may not be spoken, but it will be felt, and its influence will become increasingly manifest as the years pass.”
– Gordon B. Hinckley

– How important is it to me to develop a musical talent of mine?
What kind of support will I expect? 

7. TRADITIONS

– How did my family celebrate Christmas? What was my favourite part?
– What was our traditional meal?
– When did we open gifts?  What kinds of things did we get in our stockings?
– How do I feel about continuing my family’s Christmas traditions into our own family?
– How do I think we should keep Christ in our Christmas celebrations?
– What are the best parts of the ways we each celebrated Christmas in the families we grew up with?
– What could we do differently in our home that we will both be happy with?
– What traditions will I bring with me?  You with you?   Do we agree on the value of these traditions?
– How did my family celebrate Easter?  What was my favourite part?  What part do I want to continue in my own family?
– How do I feel about Halloween?
– Thanksgiving?
– Summer vacation?
– What is my favorite holiday?  And why?  How can I share my enthusiasm for this special day with you?
– What style of furniture do I like?  What can I be happy with?  What compromises am I willing to make?

Spiritual

8. TEMPLE ATTENDANCE

With temples being so close to the bulk of the membership, many couples set a goal for regular attendance.
– What is my feeling about the promise of eternal families that temples represent?
– What goal will we set for ourselves relative to attending the temple?
– And of continual temple worthiness?

9. PERSONAL or PRIVATE SPIRITUAL COMMITMENT

– What commitment will we make specifically about scripture study, individual/couple/family prayer, journal writing and family record keeping?
– How will we choose to preserve family memories? (i.e. photos, slides, videos, albums, scrapbooks etc)
– What Christ-like attribute most impressed me about you? drew me to you?  and made me want you for my companion?
– What is the thing I admire/respect most about you that I would like to emulate in my life? – How important to me are the laws, ordinances and principles of the gospel?
– How important is it to me to be align myself to them?   How important do I think it should be?   Is there even any value in obedience?
– What efforts am I willing to make in my personal desire to have a relationship with my Saviour?
– What is my feeling about regular church attendance? 
– What is my feeling toward church service?
– The counsel of the brethren is to dress as if we are wearing temple garments, even if we are not.
– How do I feel about modesty in dress and speech?  
– What commitment do I feel to dress so that I reflect church standards at all times?

Testimonies are living breathing things in need of constant nourishment. They can become weak and even sickly if they’re not taken care of. What will I do if you lose your testimony? What will you do if I lose mine?

10. CHURCH RESPONSIBILITIES

– What is my commitment level to callings and responsibilities within the Church?
– How willing am I to serve selflessly and faithfully in the Church?
– What will I do to encourage my partner in his/her ministering stewardships?
– What will I do to support and sustain my partner in his/her individual callings?

11. TITHES and OFFERINGS

– What do I regard as an honest and full tithing?
– Do we agree on what we consider Increase?
– How do I feel about fast and other offerings?
– What do I consider a generous fast offering?
– Do we agree on this?
– What about other donations such as the Perpetual Education fund or the Missionary fund? Do I believe that blessings will come into our lives as a result of our obeying the law of tithing and of contributing to other funds organized by the Church for the benefit of the charity the Church provides?
– Do I have an understanding of the principle of ‘offerings’?

12. SABBATH OBSERVANCE
– What do I consider proper Sabbath observance?
– What are some of the things we should DO on Sunday?
– What are some of the things I feel that we should NOT do in order to keep the Sabbath day separate and holy?
– What are our expectations of each other in this area?
– What would disappoint me regarding our/your Sabbath observance?

13. FAMILY HOME EVENING

“A better tomorrow begins with the training of a better generation. This places upon parents the responsibility to do a more effective work in the rearing of children. The home is the cradle of virtue, the place where character is formed and habits are established. Family home evening is the opportunity to teach the ways of the Lord.”
– Gordon B. Hinckley

– What will we do to ensure that we observe the counsel to keep Monday evenings for family when we are still just a couple? What will we do to use this opportunity to strengthen our family in the gospel?
– How will we keep it a priority?
– What commitments are we prepared to make now that would directly impact our future children regarding Family Home Evening (FHE)?

ROMANCE

14.       FRIENDSHIP

What things are important to me in our continued relationship as FRIENDS?
What are my expectations from a best friend?
What am I prepared to do to BE your best friend?
What do I consider healthy as far as other best friends in my/your life?
What freedom will I be willing to give my spouse in their pursuit of relationships with other friends?

15.       DATE NIGHT

– How committed are we to obeying the council to have regular date night? What value do we see in this practice?
– What good examples can I think of concerning regular date night observance?
– What are we prepared to do on a daily basis to keep the romance in our marriage alive?
– How will we observe special days such as our Anniversary?  Each other’s birthdays? Valentine’s Day? Etc.
(i.e. some couples celebrate their anniversary date by attending the temple to do sealings. In this way it is a continual reminder of the covenants they made and the promises they could depend on.)

If I intend to be happily married to you in 40+ years, what am I prepared to give until then to ensure it?
– How will we talk about each other in front of other people? (even if we are upset with the other)
– How will we talk to each other in front of other people?
– What precautions will we take to ensure we never undermine, belittle, ridicule, embarrass or insult our sweetheart? (in private or in front of others)
– What if we do offend the other not intending to?  
– What if they get their feelings hurt over something we considered innocent or even funny?
– How will we refer to each other?  What terms of endearment am I comfortable with?
– What will we do when we fall out of love?  (WE WILL bytheway)  
– How will we stay married, and healthy and committed to each other if one day we think that we’ve grown apart?  How will we help each other through it?
– How will we communicate to each other that we are in distress, and that something is very wrong in our relationship?
– What are we prepared to do to overcome major difficulties in our relationship?
– What do we expect from each other in the area of commitment and communication?  
to our marriage – to our children – to our own family – to Family Home Evening – to Date Night – to our extended families – to our ward – to the Church – to God – and to our community?

16.       INTIMACY and PREGNANCY

– How do I/you feel about purity before marriage?
– Can we be honest with our personal history concerning that?
– Can we deal with it?  How will we deal with it?
– Do we see the need for using a form of birth control?  If so, what form will we use?
– What will we do to make sure we are educated and properly informed about current methods of birth control?
– How important is a feeling of ‘trust’ and safety to me in regards to intimacy?
-How important do I think it is that we both feel comfortable about being open and honest in our discussions about intimacy?
– What will we do to be sure we are educated and properly informed about pregnancy and child birth?
– What will we do to ensure optimum health for Mom and baby?  How involved do we want Dad to be in the birthing?
– What if the unthinkable happens?  ….. miscarriage? What if . . . our baby dies?  How will we help each other through this hard thing?
– What if another unthinkable happens? . . . . . infidelity?  What will we do? 
– Can we see ourselves able to forgive? 
– What are our ‘non-negotiables’ in this area?

17.       PARENTING

– How many children do we want?
– Will Mom stay home to raise them?
– What is my idea of discipline?
– What are some things that I consider very important in child rearing?
– What should we as parents do to ensure that we teach by example such things as respect for womanhood? Manhood? Etiquette? Table manners? Good housekeeping? Personal cleanliness?  Personal responsibility? The law?
– What are things I consider essential to teach children?
-Where will we turn to learn parenting skills?
– How will we teach our children that the Church is true? That we love, respect and obey the prophet? And that Jesus Christ is the cornerstone of our life?
– How will I show my children that the scriptures are important to me?  And that they can come to know Jesus Christ through their own personal study of them?
– What efforts will we make to encourage our children to stay active in the Church? And to adhere to the counsel it provides?
– How will I show them the importance of education and help them to develop a love of reading?
– What are some absolute taboos concerning children in my opinion?
– What do I feel very strongly about – concerning behaviors we will encourage, those we allow and behaviors we will absolutely forbid?  Do we agree?  What should we do to ensure compliance with these behaviors?
– What if we have an unhealthy child? Perhaps a down syndrome child, or one who has a serious illness or disability?  How do we plan to be the best parents possible no matter what that looks like? 
– What did our parents do right in the parenting department, that we’d like to emulate?
– What improvements can we make over our parents’ best attempts, to continue to become the best parents our children deserve?

18.      OTHER THINGS of IMPORTANCE TO CONSIDER

– What are my priorities in the area of TIME?
– What do I consider a big waste of time? – a moderate waste of time?
– Where would I absolutely draw the line in my flexibility of my partner doing something I consider to be a waste of time, money and energy?  Or something I abhor?    
– What are my priorities in the area of money?
– It is likely that we may look at money differently. One might resent frugality. One might resent spending freely with no regard for budget. What do I consider a big waste of money? – a moderate waste of money?
– Where would I absolutely draw the line in my tolerance of my partner spending money in what I consider to be a waste of money?
– How would I like to spend the hours of an entire free day with you?
– How would I like to spend the hours of an entire free day without you?. .

These questions have been edited continually since I first drafted them for Sarah – many years ago.

You need not ‘report’ on any discussion, but I think it would be helpful to be accountable to someone that you have indeed been through each one. For my kids, I tried to give them one sheet at a time, and when they told me they were ready for another, I gave it to them.

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to communicate, now and throughout your marriage.   Take them seriously. I once asked a friend who used these “Did you not go through those questions?”
She affirmed that they did.
“Well how did this one get missed then? It’s pretty straight forward.”
“I didn’t think it was that important. I didn’t think he was that serious about it.”

That’s not fair. Not being straight up and owning your words, not doing what you committed to do – not fair. If there are serious ‘issues’ with any of these questions, have those issues today, BEFORE you are married.   If they cannot be resolved, it is best to learn that before you go to the alter. 

Cindy Suelzle