the Last Time

I love the poem below. I hope you’ll take the time to read it. It’s spoken from the perspective of a young parent. I’ve been in that place and as a former young mom, the message is a very tender for me. In that young mom’s shoes, I was smart enough to never allow myself to wish any of those moments away. I wanted very much to feel them all and remember them all – knowing that though I couldn’t see it, or imagine what it would look like, the day would come that they’d all be gone.

But I am looking at life from a much different perspective now, and I’ve had so many last times. My heart aches for some of them, not because I wasted them by wishing them away, simply because they are gone. It has been my observation that spending one’s life being unhappy in our circumstances, leads to more of the same – because being happy is not a matter of circumstance, it is a CHOICE.

In my younger years, I never wanted to waste my life wishing things were different. I was self aware enough that I could either make them different, work toward that goal, or accept them by making the best of them. Those were my options. I found it much more satisfying to focus on appreciating the sacredness of each day and what I could learn by living it. Even so, my heart aches for many of those ‘last times’. How much worse would it be if I regretted wasting them by not appreciating them in the moment?

If Covid taught us anything those many months, it should be how quickly life as we know it could be over. No one had the crystal ball to know how long our covid-affected circumstances would last. How long before we could go back to ‘normal’ – a week? a month? how many months? In actual truth, in many ways we never did return to normal. What would we have thought then, if we knew that in many ways we’d be inventing a new normal?

And why risk losing your present by pining away for all those potential last times? . . .

I don’t pretend to be a great philosopher, and I certainly don’t know what the “secret to life” is. But I believe that part of that secret is to be PRESENT, living in each moment. Enjoying each season while we’re in it. Finding ways to reach out and make someone’s world a little better for us having been in it. Never wishing any moment away, because life is so full of last times – not just with our babies but with everything and every one.

The last time we hugged our mom.
The last time we said “goodnight, sleep tight” to her.
The last time we had dinner with our cousin.
The last time we went to the farmers market.
The last time we planted a garden.
The last batch of jam we made to give away.
The last time we laughed with our niece, played go fish with our grandson, pack a lunch for our spouse, even the last time we vacuumed our own floor, or hung laundry on the line. The last time we help a neighbour, chat with that special friend, smile at a passerby, …. made someone’s day better.
The last time we flew anywhere? The last time we drove ourself?
That last book we read. Who knew it would be the last one?
The last time that grandchild came for a sleepover. Who knew it would be the last one?
The last time we held hands. Who knew?

Life changes on a dime – with no notice. Last times stack up, and they’re often in disguise. We never recognize them till they’re long gone. I’d love for all of my last times (whether pleasant ones or unpleasant ones), to be with me ‘experiencing them’, enjoying them, or learning from them, so that I could look back and think “I’m sure glad I did that when I did, who knew it would be my last time?” Life is by nature, bound to be full of regrets. I hope when my days get shorter, to have many more “glad-I-did-thats” than “wish-I-did-thats”.

The Last Time

“From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before,
When you have freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.

You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Diaper changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.

But don’t forget …
There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed your baby for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.

One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.

One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus” and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize.

So while you are living in these times,
remember there are only so many of them
and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.
For one last time.
author not confirmed, but possibly Taryn McLean

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Warmly,

Cindy Suelzle