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Turning your weakness into strengths, and – ‘it’s not about you’ 

two Life Hacks that changed my life

Somewhere within my first year of marriage (within the first 6 months), I experienced an abrupt metamorphosis in my life.  I stopped going out.  Stopped leaving our apartment.  Stopped even answering the door.  It didn’t happen suddenly but sudden enough.  It took months before it became evident that it was a ‘problem’ more than a choice.  I wouldn’t go downstairs to use the washing machine.  Dan bought me a little washing machine we hooked up to the kitchen sink.  I wouldn’t use the dryer so we had clothes hanging all over the living room for hours to dry.  I’d go to church and to my parents and Dan’s parents houses, but no where else – unless Dan was with me.  I wouldn’t go for a walk.  If Dan wasn’t home I wouldn’t answer the door.  It went on for a couple of years.  We had disagreements about it.  Dan would say “You NEVER go anywhere!” 
“Yes I do. I go to Church.  I go to your Mom’s.” 
“You never go anywhere without me.” 
“I go to Relief Society.”   Those were places I felt safe. 

Dan tried his best to encourage me to go out.  We’d go for walks.  We’d go over to Westmount Mall across the street.  He tried to get me to apply for a part time job.  One day he pushed me out the door, and told me not to come back for an hour. 
“I don’t care where you go” he said.  “Anywhere! But do not walk back inside this door for at least an hour.”
I sat on the back door step and cried for an hour, then came back and said I’d gone for a walk. 

That might have been my first big clue as to how big this problem was becoming.  I was pregnant with my first baby and I began to wonder what kind of a mother I could be.  What would I do when it came time for him to go to school?  I knew I couldn’t take him the way I was.  I began to acknowledge that this was bigger than me, and all my excuses and justifications began to sound lame – even to me.  I realized they were strategies to cover up the fact that I wouldn’t / couldn’t leave the house. 

Five babies and I never went to a single doctor’s appointment alone. 

After Jacob was born I began having Dan drop me off at the library on his way back to work after lunch.  I would hide in the back behind books with the baby stroller until I was brave enough to walk by the librarian and out the door.  Then I’d walk home.  Eventually I got brave enough to get a library card and actually sign out a few books.  It was pathetically slow progress, but it was empowering. 

“Cognitive Behavioral Therapy” is the term Luke told me described what I was doing. 

It took me YEARS to get through it.  Years of being controlled by fear.  Thousands of experiences.  Lots of strategies that I would implement in trying to control my fear. 

No one ever knew what we were dealing with, although my behaviour had to have been difficult for some people to understand and I’m sure there were rolled eyes – because sometimes my excuses sounded lame even to me.  I remember once a friend at church telling me “They totally knew you were home Cindy”  after I couldn’t open the door when the home teachers stopped by.  Dan wasn’t home and I didn’t know they were coming.  I couldn’t deal with surprises like that.  I was SO embarrassed. We lived in a branch, so they had driven over 30 minutes to get to my house.  I felt terrible.  Still do. 

One evening, – skipping several years and four kids ahead – Dan and I were watching W5 on TV, and they did an Expose’ on Agoraphobia.  We were riveted to the screen.  We had never heard anything like it.  I remember saying to Dan “There’s a name for it.  It’s a thing!  There are people like me.” 
You never see them of course.  Because they’re at home. 

Skip ahead another few years – I thought I was better. 

After I had Luke I said to Dan while we were doing dishes together one evening.  “Its happening again.  I can feel it.  I’m in trouble.” 
He said “No Cindy.  We’ll never let it happen again.  We know what to look for now.” 
“Seriously?   I haven’t been out of this house in six weeks.  Did you even know that?” 
No.  He didn’t.  And that was what scared me.
“You LIVE with me!  That’s how good I am at this.  Not even the people I live with know what I’m doing.”  It took me three weeks before even I knew what I was doing – but at some point my reasons started sounding contrived, and I knew.   I also knew that if I fell back into that hole – I’d probably never have what it took to get back out again.  I knew there wasn’t a thing Dan could do if I didn’t buy in. 

I began to develop strategies.  It helped that I had told Dan. 

Skip ahead another few years.  We owned the bookstore by then.  I started working a little from home.  On the computer. I had the ability to manage the store computer from home.  One day I said to Dan “It’s happening again.  I can feel it.” 
“No Cindy.  We’ll never let it happen again.” 
“Dan! I haven’t walked out that front door for over TWO WEEKS!  Did you even know that?” 
No.  He didn’t.  “I manage a bookstore!  Dan if I can figure out how to stay home, you’ll never get me outta here again!” 

I began to think of it as my demon.

So all that was to give you some context for the Life Hack that changed my life. 

My first year working in the bookstore – I didn’t know anything. Christmas.  Wow.  In a retail business I discovered, your 4th quarter is everything.  A good 4th quarter will pay your rent till June – which you need, because not every quarter is a good one.  That first January I had a big crash. 

The next couple of years as I learned the business, that 4th quarter became even more stressful. Christmas started in April – and I started seeing old familiar feelings surface.  But now I was trapped.  Old strategies weren’t transferable.

I remember kneeling beside my bed – begging for help.  And I hit upon a plan.  I would schedule a CRASH for January.  That way I could be in control of it.  I looked at my calendar – and with all my January commitments in mind – found THREE days that I could afford to have a nervous breakdown.  I blocked them off and let everyone know that I was out of commission those days.  They became sacred days to me.  And I knew that they had to trump everything.  I had too much at stake to lose control again.  I knew that if I didn’t control my demons, they’d control me.  I’d been there.  I had done that.  I never wanted to go back again. 

I remember standing at the til chatting with customers and occasionally one of those days might get mentioned.  “Oops” I’d say “I can’t be there.  I’m having my nervous breakdown that week.” 

It became something to chuckle at and joke about – but I was dead serious.  I knew that those three days I would be home.  Doing – – – who knew?  Maybe read.  Maybe stare out the window.  Maybe I’d have a few hot baths or stay in my pajamas all day.  I didn’t plan to answer the door, or even answer the phone. 

It was therapeutic even thinking about it.  Freeing.  It was my light at the end of the tunnel.  Every long day as I drove home overwhelmed – I’d think “This is okay.  I’m having a nervous breakdown on January 22.  I can do anything.”  By PLANNING it, and scheduling it I controlled the when and where.  By limiting it to three days I stayed in control.  I might stay in bed and cry for three days, but at the end of that third day – I knew in the morning, I’d get up, shower and dress and life would go on. 

I cannot tell you how much that helped. 

I’ve since discovered there’s a name for that too.  MAP.  My Action Plan. 

Who Knew? 

My MAP evolved – it changed the way it looked over time, but I kept those days – and I kept control.  It was the light at the end of my tunnel. 

I learned many things through this process –

  1. I learned what Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is.  Who Knew that going to the library and hiding out behind the books before could have such a cool name?
  2. I learned that we can help ourselves and that if we don’t – nobody else can. 
  3. I learned that we never know what someone else is going through. 
  4. I learned that we need to give people grace.  No matter what.   
  5. I learned the meaning of this scripture “IF men come unto me, I will show unto them their weakness.  I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for IF they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me THEN will I make weak things become strong unto them.”  Ether 12:27 
    That’s an IF – THEN promise. My favourite kind.
  6. I learned that my weaknesses were MINE. They are actually a gift – specially designed for me. Given to me from God. They’re not going anywhere. They can however, be changed into strengths if I allow that to happen. “I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.” DC 82:10 Of all that I could have bound to me, I can think of nothing I’d prefer than Him.
  7. I learned that weaknesses don’t just go away. Though it may seem that they have – they are in fact, still there. You learn to manage them, but they’re always yours. Remember, they have a purpose.
  8. I learned to “search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, IF ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted …” DC 90:24

    ALL things – that’s pretty inclusive.  It doesn’t say ‘some’ things.  It doesn’t say ‘most’ things.  It doesn’t say all things except mental illness or cancer.  It literally says “ALL things.”  That means even our weaknesses, IF we walk uprightly and remember our covenants.  Another IF – THEN promise. 
  9. I learned that with God, my weaknesses can become strengths. But that doesn’t happen by pretending they’re not there. 

All this is very self absorbing. And its easy to get lost in one’s SELF. But to do that is contrary to God’s way. Somewhere along the line, I learned another hack that helped immensely. In a private conversation in our family room – Michael McLean shared a hack of his own. He has never made a secret of the fact that he suffers from clinical depression. That’s his demon. And yet, he’s a performer, in the public eye a lot. What seems to be his greatest strength is actually his weakness turned inside out. I asked him “What about when you’re not feeling it? What about if you just don’t feel that you can pull it off?”
His answer: “Sometimes, its not about YOU.”

He shared his testimony about the antidote to “YOU”. He said that if it was always about him, he’d hardly ever do anything. He said that sometimes it had to be about something more. Look up, and look outward. As a people, we greatly desire to become Christlike. We try to be Christlike. We pray to be more Christlike. So IF that’s truly what we want, when was it about Him? In all scripture – when was it about Him? It was always about someone else. The person he was healing, preaching the doctrine of his father, even on the cross it wasn’t about him. Twice in scripture the Savior posed the question – “What manner of men [and women] ought ye to be?” The second time his answer was “Verily I say unto you, even as I am” (3 Nephi 27:27) So it becomes a point of doctrine to try to be like Him.

Michael said to me, that before entering any door – we should briefly pause and ask ourselves – “Who is the most important person in this room?” Then look around. Occasionally the answer may be ‘me’. Today I am the most important person in this room. And if we are, then we are entitled to all sorts of self centered thoughts, opinions and feelings. “I’m uncomfortable. I’m busy. I have a lot on my mind. I don’t even really want to be here. I never know where to sit anyway.” And all those self directed thoughts are justifiable – when you’re the most important person in the room.

But what if – just IF, you’re not. What if you decide that . . . SHE is the most important person in the room. Immediately, your thoughts shift. You think – “Wow, she’s having a good hair day. Looks like a new dress. I really like that colour on her. There’s an empty chair beside her. I should tell her how much I enjoyed her son’s talk in sacrament meeting. I should tell her what a kick I got out of her daughter when I subbed in primary last week.” See how things in your head change? Less thinking about you – and more about someone else – creates a headspace that is more healthy. More selfLESS. More willing to serve. More considerate of another’s feelings. More willing to take care of someone else. It is true what they say, about focusing outward. God can work with you better when you’re willing to look outward.

Talk about your Action Plan. Best action plan ever!.

By doing that – you take care of yourself in the best way possible, and you invite the spirit to hang out with you more often. Your best friend.

These are two of my Life Hacks. 
1. TAKE CONTROL of your weaknesses BEFORE they control you. 
Give them some space. A safe place. And fair time. Then put them away.
2. Remember, it’s not always about YOU. In fact, it seldom is.

You’ve got this. With God, “All things” can work together for your good. Believe it.

Warmly,

Cindy Suelzle

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a Good Neighbourhood . . .

Good neighbourhoods do not exist independently of people. They’re not specific about the size of houses or yards. Whether your nearest neighbour lives across the hall, across the street, down the alley, across a field, or down the road, you live in a ‘community’. And everyone who lives in the same community has one thing in common. Its the one thing that every good neighbourhood needs no matter where it is: good neighbours.  So how do you GET good neighbours?   Ah, that’s the mystery isn’t it?  Its really very simple. If you want to live in a good neighbourhood, you must be a GOOD neighbour.  There.  That’s the long and short of it.  The consistent inescapable reality – that “it always comes back to you“. 

When speaking about friends, Christian songwriter Michael McLean said:
“Everyone hopes to find one true friend who’s the kind
They can count on for forever and a day.
BE that friend, be that kind that you prayed you might find
And you’ll always have a best friend, come what may.”

Well the same thing applies to neighbours.  Why should you care?  and why do you want to live in a good neighbourhood anyway? I suppose there must be many personal reasons, but these are the ones that are important to me. Perhaps some of them might be important to you too. Here’s the clincher though: good neighbourhoods don’t just happen. They’re created by the good neighbours who live in them. So herein, you might find some ideas worth implementing, you may even find courage to step out of your comfort zone and make it happen. Somebody’s gotta start the ball rolling. It might as well be you.

10 reasons you want to live in a ‘good’ neighbourhood and how to make your’s one.

1.   People are social beings. 
Whether you want to admit it or not, we ALL need other people.  Of the things we learned from Covid, one of them is that we cannot be happy for long without other people.  Perhaps you consider yourself more of a loner.  Yeah, whatever.  So am I.  But whether you admit it to yourself or not, everyone has the same basic social needs and that is to be *safe, *loved, and *to feel important.  So deny all you want, I don’t believe you.   We are not an island and we were never intended to be an island.  

2. Living where people are friendly makes for a more comfortable, peaceful environment.  Even for the grump who inevitably lives in every neighbourhood. 

3.  Good neighbourhoods are SAFER.  
Good neighbours pay attention.  They notice things.  They watch out for each other and their property.  They are invested in your safety, just as you are invested in their’s. 

Several years ago, when our kids were teenagers, it was a common prank among their peers to TP each other’s houses.  Their friends’ homes, their teachers’ homes, their neighbours’ homes.   Don’t ask me why.  TP is toilet paper if you didn’t know.  Sneaking to a friends’ house late at night and stringing TP over their trees, hedges, vehicles, fences … anything they could reach.  You wake up in the morning, and …. you’ve been TP’d.  It was a fun thing to do, and fun thing to have done to you too.  Like I say, don’t ask me why.  My kids did it too, so you can’t expect not to get TP’d if you are also a culprit.  What goes around comes around.  I must admit, we have some fun memories involving toilet paper. 

Late one fall night I got a concerned phone call from my neighbour across the street.  “Cindy, sorry for calling so late. I was on my way home, and I noticed something going on in your yard so I pulled over to watch.  Some kids. ….”
“Are they causing damage?”
“It doesn’t look like it.  Hard to say.  Just go look out your front window.”   I absorbed his concern, and peaked out my front window. 
“OH!  That.  Its okay Dwight.  Its just a bunch of Sarah’s friends.”
“But they’re … “
“I know. Its what they do.  Don’t worry about it.  I’ll have Sarah take care of it in the morning.”  We had a rule in our house.  If it was your friends who did it, then you get to be the one cleaning it up.  Like I say, what goes around comes around. “Thank-you for worrying about it Bryce, but this sorta thing is just part of living with teenagers.  My kids do it too.  Its okay.  Its not vandalism.”

The point is, that our neighbour cared enough to notice, to be concerned, and he-knew-our-phone-number to alert us of something he thought was amiss.  Good neighbours are also the most logical ones to keep an eye on your house while you’re away from home.  There’s added security in knowing that you all have each others’ eyes and ears. 

4.  Good neighbours share. 

I know it seems so cliche to borrow an egg from a neighbour, but sometimes – you just need something you didn’t expect to run out of, and it sure is handy to have that reciprocal relationship.  You wouldn’t ask someone you didn’t know if you could borrow a cuppa sugar, or an egg, or some other small thing. 

Sometimes neighbours share bigger things too.  We bought a weed trimmer several years ago with one of our next door neighbours.  You only use something like that how many times a year? and they last forever.  It didn’t seem necessary for both households to own one.  So we shared, and its worked out well for many years.

Sometimes neighbours even share BIG things.  We don’t often need a snow blower in Edmonton, but we live in a crescent so once in a while it sure would be nice to have one. But for the few times a year that you’d use one it was cost prohibitive and difficult to justify, unless . . . . you could co-own one . . . . .  Dan talked to the three neighbours closest to us and all agreed to jointly buy a snow blower.  You wouldn’t feel comfortable asking a stranger about entering into that kind of relationship, but this too, has worked well for many years. 
The common thread is that actually ‘knowing’ your neighbour, makes it easier to lend, borrow and jointly own – or not.

Sharing on building (and replacing) common fences is another ‘co-owned’ investment that benefits everyone involved.

5.  Good neighbours HELP. 
Its an easy thing to lend a hand when you see a neighbour struggling with a package, or involved in a project.  And even just a few minutes assisting someone can be relationship defining. Look for those opportunities, and take them.
We share a common front lawn with our neighbour.  Not really, but neither of us know nor care exactly where the property line is.  When one is mowing the front lawn, how easy is it to mow both sides of it?  So we do, and so do they.  Its been much appreciated on both sides, for many years. 

6. Good neighbours ARE RESPECTFUL AND CONSIDERATE.

Maintain your yard and shared spaces.  Keep your weeds down, and your pets under control.  Even if you’re not that motivated to keep your property tidy, consider what it looks like to your neighbours, and go the distance.   Don’t allow garbage to accumulate, keep your lawn watered and mowed and tidy.  If you don’t like to weed, then establish a low maintenance yard, but keep it tidy. I cannot emphasize the importance of this enough.  

Don’t make a lot of noise, especially after dark. 
If you’re gonna have outdoor company with excessive noise or a fire in the backyard, give your neighbour the respectful heads up, and promise to keep it reasonable.
Don’t let your teens party hardy late into the night either.  They can make a LOT of noise.

If you’re having a large group and parking might be an issue, let your neighbours know ahead of time and try to keep it manageable.  Ask your company to be courteous.   If nothing else, apologize ahead of time. LOL

7. Good neighbours are PATIENT and Overlook the small stuff.
When our kids were young we had a trampoline.  It was a magnet for all their friends and the source of a lot of kid-noise.  We never had a neighbour complain.  To be fair, most of their kids spent considerable time on it too.  Once, when I was jumping on it, I noticed how visible many yards around us were from the high point of the jump.  No one had any real privacy with our trampoline. I realized that our trampoline affected people in the several houses immediately surrounding us.  It was not lost on me that no one had ever complained, and I really appreciated it. 

One of our next door neighbours used to have a few friends over once or twice on summer evenings to sit around the fire.  They played music and after a few beers, they could get a little noisy, and yes, maybe even a little irritating if you were trying to sleep.  It made it difficult to escape with our backyards adjoining and bedroom windows open as they most often are in the summer.  These were the times to remember our noisy kids on the trampoline in the daytime. We never complained about those noisy parties, they were infrequent enough that in the big picture, we considered them more than a fair trade.

For years I had several wind chimes hanging outside our kitchen door and along our back deck.  One day as I stood on the back deck visiting with Glenda our next door neighbour there was a slight breeze which made the wind chimes happy.  For the first time I took note of the fact that their bedroom window was open and right across the fence from my wind chimes.   Our bedroom window was around the corner, so on breezy evenings, we were never bothered by the chimes, but it was impossible for our neighbours to not be bothered from time to time.  So I asked “Do these chimes bother you at night sometimes?” Glenda admitted that sometimes they bothered George.  “OH! I am so sorry!”  I exclaimed “Why didn’t you say something?” 
“Oh it’s not that bad.” she claimed, but she was lying of course.  I know what its like to lay awake by an irritating night noise.  I took the wind chimes down that very hour, never to go back up in that area of our yard again.  They appreciated it.

Now in a different house, we have grandchildren. Once a year in the summer time, we have a Grandkids Day, (sometimes a few days).  All 18 of our grandkids come over to hang out with us.  Outside mostly.  On the trampoline, in the treehouse, riding bikes in the crescent, and making their share of noise.  That’s a lot of kids. And that can be a lot of ‘kid-noise’. In the beginning I was hyper sensitive about bothering our neighbours.  Dan and I delivered notes around the crescent to let them know of our plans, asking for their patience and also their extra care in backing out of their driveways with all the bikes, scooters, and other riding toys that would be in use.  They were and continue to all be very patient. 

As our teens grew they all got cars, and on the evenings their friends came over, there could be a lotta cars parked around our house.  Our most immediate neighbour jokingly commented once that living next door to the Suelzles was like living next door to a used car lot.  They weren’t that far off. Well, time went on and our kids all married and left home.  Most days it was just Dan and I.   But those same neighbour’s kids grew up and got cars.  Sometimes their friends would come over for the evening and there could be a lotta cars!  I jokingly complained to them one day that “Living next door to the Bowdens was like living next door to a used car lot!”  And more time went by. Their kids are all gone now too.  . . . There’s no sense in getting all bent outta shape about a minor irritation when in due time it will take care of itself.  Save those bent-outta-shape moments for when the problem is more serious. 

8.  Good neighbours are KIND and SUPPORTIVE. 
Neighbours care about each other, and can be counted on to lend a hand in time of need, and can be a good resource for kids to go to if they need help when you’re not home. 
* One winter day our 17 year old son played with the neighbours’ young children pulling their sleigh on the ice. Little did he expect they would come over often after that asking him to come out and play with them.  Sometimes it wasn’t convenient but he did when he could. 
* For years now Dan keeps small packages of cookies in the garage to give to the neighbour kids and grandkids when they come over.  One summer two wonderful little boys moved into the rental house on the corner. They were the only children in our crescent at the time, and as they rode their bikes one day, Dan gave them each a cookie. They were regular visitors after that, and sometimes we’d come home to find them playing with the riding toys we kept in the yard. I told them they were welcome to use them as long as they made sure to put them away when done. They were pretty good at that. I jokingly told Dan “I guess we’re the Mr. and Mrs. Wilson in our neighbourhood now“. (from Dennis the Menace if you don’t know). Those nice little boys only lived in our crescent for a year, but I missed them after they were gone. One neighbour’s grandkids call my husband “Cookie Dan” and come over when they’re visiting their grandparents asking “is Cookie Dan home?” Its mostly about the cookies of course, but that’s okay. LOL

* Dan and I are involved with our city’s annual Food Drive each fall. Our crescent neighbours contributed occasionally if they remembered, until the year we decided to talk to them all and introduce ourselves, putting a name and a face with the service project.  We didn’t ask for donations, just told them we were involved, and that on Saturday morning someone would be by to pick up donations, and if they could help us out we’d sure appreciate it. On Saturday morning we saw nearly 100% participation from the people we spoke to.  

* There have been times we’ve asked for a neighbour’s helping hand.  There have been times we lent a helping hand. The point is, you’re not going to ask a complete stranger to help move that bookcase, but you’d probably ask a good neighbour.

9. Good neighbours become FRIENDS. 

We find our friends in the areas of our lives we invest in.  We have something very important in common with each of our neighbours.  We each chose to make our homes in the same neighbourhood.  From there, we can find other things in common to share.  From friendly over-the-fence conversations about the weather, to sharing concerns about our children, we start to socialize and create relationships that we otherwise would not have had.  Don’t wait for that relationship to flourish, don’t wait for your neighbour to initiate it.  WE can and should be the ones who start the dialogue.  A smile and wave coming and going.  A plate of cookies, a loaf of homemade bread, a bouquet of garden flowers, asking to borrow that proverbial couple of eggs (and then returning them), sharing the news about a bargain we find at the grocery store, bringing a meal when a baby is born, a small Christmas gift, an invitation to sit around the fire, . . . .

If our neighbour needs a ride to pick up their car from the shop, will they feel comfortable asking us?   Would we feel comfortable doing the same?
If our neighbour has an emergency and can’t make it home in time for the kids coming home from school, will they feel comfortable phoning and asking us to watch for them? Will their kids feel comfortable with us?  Would we do the same?   Do they even have our number? Do we have their’s?

We can also learn much from people who are different than us. Becoming friends bridges a gap between cultures and customs as well as religion.  Sharing our differences enriches all parties and expands understanding and tolerance.  It doesn’t mean we are trying to convert others, it means we are feeling safe enough to share an important part of us.  It involves risk and vulnerability, but it makes us relatable.  When we first moved to our current house, our neighbours were Sikhs. A little older than us, with adult children.  The parents didn’t speak much English.  We had little in common and it was difficult to communicate short of a smile unless their kids were home. Within a short time we were sharing garden herbs, and building our joint fence together.  We were invited to their daughter’s wedding which was a wonderful opportunity to experience a religion and culture very different from our own. They have long since moved and we may never see each other again, but I am so glad we got to know them when we did.   That neighbourly opportunity opened up a whole new world for both of us.

10.  Good neighbours are INclusive.
It is good to develop a friendship with our neighbours, and its alright if we feel closer to one or two, but it is not alright to exclude some from a circle that should be inclusive.  Remember that all of Heavenly Father’s children have the same social needs of feeling Safe, Loved and Important.  That means the neighbour two doors down as well as the one next door, and the one across the street too.  Be the glue that ties others together.

Years ago we had a yearning to get to know our neighbours better.  We were young, shy, busy and quite introverted.  But it bothered us that though we could wave and smile at each other, none of knew each other’s last names.   We decided to take the plunge, the RISK (make no mistake, it is a risk), and host a neighbourhood get-together in our backyard, including our immediate neighbours on either side of us and the three directly across the street.  It was August and fresh corn was available, so we chose to have a corn-roast thinking it would be easier in the backyard. Corn roast made it an easy menu and the kids could jump on the trampoline.  We picked a date and went to each one of those five doors to introduce ourselves, and invite them to a ‘get-to-know-your-neighbour corn roast‘ in our back yard.  The reception we received was hesitant, even strained. And in the end not a single one of them ended up coming. We were very disappointed and more than a little discouraged.  It shook our confidence and our resolve for a few months, but soon those same nagging feelings that we could be doing better began to surface, and we decided to try again.

By this time it was February so we would have to meet indoors, that meant adult only.  We had a small house with five children, and hosting a sizable group ‘inside’ was a little intimidating to us, but in February there aren’t a whole lot of options in Edmonton, so ‘inside’ it would have to be.  I made up some handwritten invitations in the shape of a house.  We referred to ourselves “the-people-in-the-brown-house-with-all-the-kids“, and we called them “the-people-across-the-street-in-the-white-house-with-the-spruce-tree-in-their-front-yard” or whatever they were.  We went together and knocked on their door.  I readily admit we were terrified.  It is always easier on paper, but once you knock on the door you’re committed.  We introduced ourselves again.  “Hi.  We’re Dan and Cindy. We live over there in the brown house with all the kids.”  We handed them the invitation, telling them we were inviting them to a neighbour party. We didn’t ask for a commitment right away, but told them to RSVP before Thursday. Then we said our goodbyes with a  “hope you can make it,  we look forward to all getting together,”  and went to the next house.

Once the initial invitations were given, we set about happily readying ourselves.   But then we started second guessing ourselves, wondering what on earth we were thinking, wondering where we got the idea that we were up to this, wondering if they’d think the games we planned were lame, wondering if we’d make fools of ourselves, wondering if it would just be one big awkward mess!  All our insecurities came to the surface.  And then a new thought entered my mind.  What if they smoked in the house?  What if someone brought a case of beer?  We were a non smoking, non drinking house – I wasn’t prepared to deal with that possibility, didn’t even know how I might, it had never happened before.

One by one our neighbours called before Thursday to say they were coming.  Each new phone call solidified the reality of the mess we’d gotten ourselves into. The day of, I was a total wreck.  I worked myself into such a state that I cried all day.  Was the house clean enough?  What about the food I planned?  Was there enough?  Why did I pick that dish anyway?  And now there was no time for a change in menu. Dan offered to cancel it.  Secretly he was hoping I’d take him up on it so he could use me as the excuse.  He was just as nervous as I was.  But I knew if we cancelled, we’d never rise above it. We would have lost our best chance to get to know our neighbours, and for them to know each other, and it would be even harder to try again . . . .  

The end of the story is that we went ahead with it.  And yes, we had a few surprises.
1) We were surprised to observe that each of our neighbours were nervous when they arrived. 
2) We were pleasantly surprised that no one brought alcohol, and no one smoked in the house (this was in the days when people still smoked in houses). 
3) We were surprised that everyone enjoyed the games we chose. 
4) Our biggest surprise of all was that though each of them knew our first names and perhaps the first names of the people directly beside them, none of them knew anyone else, even though most of them had lived there much longer than us. 
Into the evening we were laughing and thoroughly enjoying each other.  We all commented about how wonderful it was to finally get together and we promised to do it again. Which we did. Several more times over the next few years, each taking turns hosting.  In retrospect, it was the best thing we ever could have done for each other.  Since then we’ve moved out of that neighbourhood, but we still remember fondly those wonderful people we shared a it with.  They made it hard to leave. Recently we ran into Ann-Marie at a hospital.  We greeted each other warmly and caught up with each other like the old friends we were.  We each walked away smiling, happy to know the other was doing well. 
. . . . . . .

People of faith preach a gospel of peace. We accomplish this through our actions, using words only when necessary.  Doing so makes the world a better place for everyone.  It makes the world our neighbourhood.

It is easier to love people that we live in close proximity with, and as we get to know them personally, we feel a connection that bridges possible differences.  Though it sometimes might feel complicated or intimidating to reach out to strangers (even those who  live beside us), the concept of loving our neighbour is really very simple. We are here to love each other.  Jesus taught us to “love thy neighbour” in the New Testament, the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants. (DC 59:6, 3 N 12:43)   In fact he said it was “like unto the first and great commandment” which is to love the Lord with all our heart, and with all our soul and with all our mind. (Matt 22:37-40).  While we know that this admonition to love our neighbour includes more than the people we live near, home is a good place to start. 

I’d love to hear about your experiences in building a better community within your neighbourhood. Please share your comments below. I promise to read them.

Warmly,


Cindy Suelzle