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Turning your weakness into strengths, and – ‘it’s not about you’ 

two Life Hacks that changed my life

Somewhere within my first year of marriage (within the first 6 months), I experienced an abrupt metamorphosis in my life.  I stopped going out.  Stopped leaving our apartment.  Stopped even answering the door.  It didn’t happen suddenly but sudden enough.  It took months before it became evident that it was a ‘problem’ more than a choice.  I wouldn’t go downstairs to use the washing machine.  Dan bought me a little washing machine we hooked up to the kitchen sink.  I wouldn’t use the dryer so we had clothes hanging all over the living room for hours to dry.  I’d go to church and to my parents and Dan’s parents houses, but no where else – unless Dan was with me.  I wouldn’t go for a walk.  If Dan wasn’t home I wouldn’t answer the door.  It went on for a couple of years.  We had disagreements about it.  Dan would say “You NEVER go anywhere!” 
“Yes I do. I go to Church.  I go to your Mom’s.” 
“You never go anywhere without me.” 
“I go to Relief Society.”   Those were places I felt safe. 

Dan tried his best to encourage me to go out.  We’d go for walks.  We’d go over to Westmount Mall across the street.  He tried to get me to apply for a part time job.  One day he pushed me out the door, and told me not to come back for an hour. 
“I don’t care where you go” he said.  “Anywhere! But do not walk back inside this door for at least an hour.”
I sat on the back door step and cried for an hour, then came back and said I’d gone for a walk. 

That might have been my first big clue as to how big this problem was becoming.  I was pregnant with my first baby and I began to wonder what kind of a mother I could be.  What would I do when it came time for him to go to school?  I knew I couldn’t take him the way I was.  I began to acknowledge that this was bigger than me, and all my excuses and justifications began to sound lame – even to me.  I realized they were strategies to cover up the fact that I wouldn’t / couldn’t leave the house. 

Five babies and I never went to a single doctor’s appointment alone. 

After Jacob was born I began having Dan drop me off at the library on his way back to work after lunch.  I would hide in the back behind books with the baby stroller until I was brave enough to walk by the librarian and out the door.  Then I’d walk home.  Eventually I got brave enough to get a library card and actually sign out a few books.  It was pathetically slow progress, but it was empowering. 

“Cognitive Behavioral Therapy” is the term Luke told me described what I was doing. 

It took me YEARS to get through it.  Years of being controlled by fear.  Thousands of experiences.  Lots of strategies that I would implement in trying to control my fear. 

No one ever knew what we were dealing with, although my behaviour had to have been difficult for some people to understand and I’m sure there were rolled eyes – because sometimes my excuses sounded lame even to me.  I remember once a friend at church telling me “They totally knew you were home Cindy”  after I couldn’t open the door when the home teachers stopped by.  Dan wasn’t home and I didn’t know they were coming.  I couldn’t deal with surprises like that.  I was SO embarrassed. We lived in a branch, so they had driven over 30 minutes to get to my house.  I felt terrible.  Still do. 

One evening, – skipping several years and four kids ahead – Dan and I were watching W5 on TV, and they did an Expose’ on Agoraphobia.  We were riveted to the screen.  We had never heard anything like it.  I remember saying to Dan “There’s a name for it.  It’s a thing!  There are people like me.” 
You never see them of course.  Because they’re at home. 

Skip ahead another few years – I thought I was better. 

After I had Luke I said to Dan while we were doing dishes together one evening.  “Its happening again.  I can feel it.  I’m in trouble.” 
He said “No Cindy.  We’ll never let it happen again.  We know what to look for now.” 
“Seriously?   I haven’t been out of this house in six weeks.  Did you even know that?” 
No.  He didn’t.  And that was what scared me.
“You LIVE with me!  That’s how good I am at this.  Not even the people I live with know what I’m doing.”  It took me three weeks before even I knew what I was doing – but at some point my reasons started sounding contrived, and I knew.   I also knew that if I fell back into that hole – I’d probably never have what it took to get back out again.  I knew there wasn’t a thing Dan could do if I didn’t buy in. 

I began to develop strategies.  It helped that I had told Dan. 

Skip ahead another few years.  We owned the bookstore by then.  I started working a little from home.  On the computer. I had the ability to manage the store computer from home.  One day I said to Dan “It’s happening again.  I can feel it.” 
“No Cindy.  We’ll never let it happen again.” 
“Dan! I haven’t walked out that front door for over TWO WEEKS!  Did you even know that?” 
No.  He didn’t.  “I manage a bookstore!  Dan if I can figure out how to stay home, you’ll never get me outta here again!” 

I began to think of it as my demon.

So all that was to give you some context for the Life Hack that changed my life. 

My first year working in the bookstore – I didn’t know anything. Christmas.  Wow.  In a retail business I discovered, your 4th quarter is everything.  A good 4th quarter will pay your rent till June – which you need, because not every quarter is a good one.  That first January I had a big crash. 

The next couple of years as I learned the business, that 4th quarter became even more stressful. Christmas started in April – and I started seeing old familiar feelings surface.  But now I was trapped.  Old strategies weren’t transferable.

I remember kneeling beside my bed – begging for help.  And I hit upon a plan.  I would schedule a CRASH for January.  That way I could be in control of it.  I looked at my calendar – and with all my January commitments in mind – found THREE days that I could afford to have a nervous breakdown.  I blocked them off and let everyone know that I was out of commission those days.  They became sacred days to me.  And I knew that they had to trump everything.  I had too much at stake to lose control again.  I knew that if I didn’t control my demons, they’d control me.  I’d been there.  I had done that.  I never wanted to go back again. 

I remember standing at the til chatting with customers and occasionally one of those days might get mentioned.  “Oops” I’d say “I can’t be there.  I’m having my nervous breakdown that week.” 

It became something to chuckle at and joke about – but I was dead serious.  I knew that those three days I would be home.  Doing – – – who knew?  Maybe read.  Maybe stare out the window.  Maybe I’d have a few hot baths or stay in my pajamas all day.  I didn’t plan to answer the door, or even answer the phone. 

It was therapeutic even thinking about it.  Freeing.  It was my light at the end of the tunnel.  Every long day as I drove home overwhelmed – I’d think “This is okay.  I’m having a nervous breakdown on January 22.  I can do anything.”  By PLANNING it, and scheduling it I controlled the when and where.  By limiting it to three days I stayed in control.  I might stay in bed and cry for three days, but at the end of that third day – I knew in the morning, I’d get up, shower and dress and life would go on. 

I cannot tell you how much that helped. 

I’ve since discovered there’s a name for that too.  MAP.  My Action Plan. 

Who Knew? 

My MAP evolved – it changed the way it looked over time, but I kept those days – and I kept control.  It was the light at the end of my tunnel. 

I learned many things through this process –

  1. I learned what Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is.  Who Knew that going to the library and hiding out behind the books before could have such a cool name?
  2. I learned that we can help ourselves and that if we don’t – nobody else can. 
  3. I learned that we never know what someone else is going through. 
  4. I learned that we need to give people grace.  No matter what.   
  5. I learned the meaning of this scripture “IF men come unto me, I will show unto them their weakness.  I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for IF they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me THEN will I make weak things become strong unto them.”  Ether 12:27 
    That’s an IF – THEN promise. My favourite kind.
  6. I learned that my weaknesses were MINE. They are actually a gift – specially designed for me. Given to me from God. They’re not going anywhere. They can however, be changed into strengths if I allow that to happen. “I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.” DC 82:10 Of all that I could have bound to me, I can think of nothing I’d prefer than Him.
  7. I learned that weaknesses don’t just go away. Though it may seem that they have – they are in fact, still there. You learn to manage them, but they’re always yours. Remember, they have a purpose.
  8. I learned to “search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, IF ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted …” DC 90:24

    ALL things – that’s pretty inclusive.  It doesn’t say ‘some’ things.  It doesn’t say ‘most’ things.  It doesn’t say all things except mental illness or cancer.  It literally says “ALL things.”  That means even our weaknesses, IF we walk uprightly and remember our covenants.  Another IF – THEN promise. 
  9. I learned that with God, my weaknesses can become strengths. But that doesn’t happen by pretending they’re not there. 

All this is very self absorbing. And its easy to get lost in one’s SELF. But to do that is contrary to God’s way. Somewhere along the line, I learned another hack that helped immensely. In a private conversation in our family room – Michael McLean shared a hack of his own. He has never made a secret of the fact that he suffers from clinical depression. That’s his demon. And yet, he’s a performer, in the public eye a lot. What seems to be his greatest strength is actually his weakness turned inside out. I asked him “What about when you’re not feeling it? What about if you just don’t feel that you can pull it off?”
His answer: “Sometimes, its not about YOU.”

He shared his testimony about the antidote to “YOU”. He said that if it was always about him, he’d hardly ever do anything. He said that sometimes it had to be about something more. Look up, and look outward. As a people, we greatly desire to become Christlike. We try to be Christlike. We pray to be more Christlike. So IF that’s truly what we want, when was it about Him? In all scripture – when was it about Him? It was always about someone else. The person he was healing, preaching the doctrine of his father, even on the cross it wasn’t about him. Twice in scripture the Savior posed the question – “What manner of men [and women] ought ye to be?” The second time his answer was “Verily I say unto you, even as I am” (3 Nephi 27:27) So it becomes a point of doctrine to try to be like Him.

Michael said to me, that before entering any door – we should briefly pause and ask ourselves – “Who is the most important person in this room?” Then look around. Occasionally the answer may be ‘me’. Today I am the most important person in this room. And if we are, then we are entitled to all sorts of self centered thoughts, opinions and feelings. “I’m uncomfortable. I’m busy. I have a lot on my mind. I don’t even really want to be here. I never know where to sit anyway.” And all those self directed thoughts are justifiable – when you’re the most important person in the room.

But what if – just IF, you’re not. What if you decide that . . . SHE is the most important person in the room. Immediately, your thoughts shift. You think – “Wow, she’s having a good hair day. Looks like a new dress. I really like that colour on her. There’s an empty chair beside her. I should tell her how much I enjoyed her son’s talk in sacrament meeting. I should tell her what a kick I got out of her daughter when I subbed in primary last week.” See how things in your head change? Less thinking about you – and more about someone else – creates a headspace that is more healthy. More selfLESS. More willing to serve. More considerate of another’s feelings. More willing to take care of someone else. It is true what they say, about focusing outward. God can work with you better when you’re willing to look outward.

Talk about your Action Plan. Best action plan ever!.

By doing that – you take care of yourself in the best way possible, and you invite the spirit to hang out with you more often. Your best friend.

These are two of my Life Hacks. 
1. TAKE CONTROL of your weaknesses BEFORE they control you. 
Give them some space. A safe place. And fair time. Then put them away.
2. Remember, it’s not always about YOU. In fact, it seldom is.

You’ve got this. With God, “All things” can work together for your good. Believe it.

Warmly,

Cindy Suelzle

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Gabriel and Zacharias

I am loving my study of Jesus the Christ by James Edward Talmage. I have read it before but its been a long time, and it is an excellent companion to my current study of the New Testament. In 1905, the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, requested Talmage to write the book that would later come to be known as Jesus the Christ. They requested he compile his lectures (as a professor of religion), into a book that could be widely available to church members and other readers. At the time, Talmage had many responsibilities with his church callings, his family, and his profession that kept him from starting the book but nearly ten years later, following another request from the First Presidency, he began in earnest writing Jesus the Christ. Such was the importance the First Presidency placed on the writing of this book, that they set aside space in the Salt Lake Temple for him to work uninterrupted and without the usual distractions of everyday life.   Just under one year from starting it, Jesus the Christ was published in September 1915.

I am utterly amazed with every page that I read. Especially when I consider the conditions and time that Brother Talmage wrote. Writing in the world in which I live, I have at my fingertips, this computer – that I not only type on, but edit my own thoughts, and through which I can research almost any subject or printed work I desire. Most works on the life and ministry of the Saviour were written after Talmage’s time, though I am certain he had a few respected works that he read from. The most important sources of information however, were the scriptures themselves. and of course continual communion with the spirit of the Lord throughout the project. Clearly the fruits of his work were meant to be shared. It is my highest recommendation that everyone read it – at least once, hopefully several times. I promise that you will feel the spirit as you do, and that your testimony of Jesus the Christ will expand. You will refer back to the things you learn for many years to come.

What a joy it is for me to read it again with a few other women friends who are also reading in conjunction with their current study of the New Testament. We are taking turns reviewing chapters, and this chapter fell to me to share. In the interest of time (as I tend to be too wordy anyway) I chose to focus on Zacharias, as his story spoke to me.

My thoughts on chapter 7, the Annunciation of John and Jesus.

The story of the annunciation of the most important birth in the history of the world, and the annunciation of the forerunner that accompanies it, are in my opinion commonly skipped over, as to be almost a postscript of the Christmas story. We are all familiar with the stories. We could relate them briefly from memory: Gabriel visited the elderly priest Zacharias in the temple, and told him his prayers had been heard and that he and his wife Elisabeth would soon have a son. The angel told Zacharias that this boy would be great in the sight of the Lord, and that his name was to be John. We know that the priest was amazed to the point of doubting that such a thing was even possible, due to the age of he and his wife. He asked for a sign and was given one – that he would be dumb until the foretold events unfolded. And so it was.

We know that the same angel visited the young Mary a few months later, and gave her similar news. That she would conceive and bear a son whom she should name Jesus. We know that Mary was a virgin – which was integral to the story because no mortal man would be the father of this child. He would be the Son of God. Nothing doubting she willingly submitted herself completely, to her role in this wondrous plan. We know that the angel told her about her older cousin Elisabeth’s condition and that Mary went to visit her. We know that the two women, old and young – found solace in each other as they sorted out their respective roles. And then we get to the real event: Christmas story about the birth and the shepherds and the heavenly choir and the wisemen who came from the east. And we leave the annunciations to the side for another year, and another brief recounting.

I love that an entire chapter in JESUS THE CHRIST is devoted to fleshing out these two stories because in them lie truths and context that will aid us greatly in our understanding. Beginning with the story of Zacharias and Elisabeth, Elder Talmage explains that many generations had passed in Israel since any heavenly contact had been noted, even in the temple. In fact, the people had come almost to believe that those were things of the past and that there were no longer prophets in Israel. So it is not difficult to imagine the surprise, and even a healthy trepidation when Zacharias found himself no longer alone as he fulfilled his singular responsibilities in a part of the temple that was forbidden to everyone except for a chosen priest when called upon to be there. And even that priest would likely only be there once in his lifetime.

It may seem unnecessary but I believe it is important to Re-emphasize that Zacharias was a ‘good’ man. Such a good man that Luke described both he and his wife as “righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless“. I’d love to be described that way. Truly they “walked the covenant path” as we would say today. They had lived their lives out, never having been blessed with children – which no doubt was a great sorrow for them (for a number of reasons). The angel implied that that sorrow had been the subject of many a prayer on the part of Zacharias when he said “Fear not Zacharias; for thy prayer is heard; and thy wife Elisabeth shall bear thee a son, and thou shalt call his name John.” He further said that the couple would have joy and gladness and that many others as well “would rejoice at his birth, for he shall be great in the sight of the Lord, filled with the Holy Ghost, even from his mother’s womb.” The angel said that John will go before the Lord teaching, and making ready the people for the Lord.

This ‘forerunner’ had been prophesied by Old Testament prophets, just as the coming Messiah had been prophesied, and there is little doubt that Zacharias recognized the prediction of what the angel now referred to. And THIS is where we should remind ourselves how good a man Zacharias was, because he had a ‘weak moment’, and for that weak moment – that temporary lack of faith, he was severely chastised. Gabriel stood tall and let Zacharias know just who exactly he was speaking to. “I am GABRIEL, that stand in the presence of God; and am sent to speak unto thee, and to shew thee these glad tidings. And behold, thou shalt be dumb, and not able to speak, until the day that these things shall be performed, because thou believest not my words[!]” Take that Zack! That good and faithful man’s worst day was recorded for the rest of Christendom to reflect on for two thousand years. And sadly, it is the thing he became best known for. How would you like your worst moment – the one you regretted from the get-go, to be what you are immortalized for?

If John was foretold, and set apart before the world began for his great calling – as we believe those “noble and great ones” that Abraham spoke of were, then it was also known who his parents would be. Brigham Young said of Joseph Smith’s heritage “The Lord had his eyes upon him, and upon his father, and upon his father’s father, and upon their progenitors clear back to … Adam. He has watched that family and that blood as it has circulated from its fountain to the birth of that man.” John too, would have had chosen parentage, chosen and set apart for their respective roles and responsibilities. Zacharias was special and so was Elisabeth. Long before they knew they’d be the parents of the one who would introduce the Saviour of the world to humanity, it was known who they would be. Zacharias was no ordinary-joe; he was a noble servant of God, who ultimately gave his life protecting his son when Herod slew the innocents in and around the hills of Bethlehem. And yet, in a critical moment he hesitated / he doubted. No heavenly visitations recorded in Israel, no prophets speaking to Israel in over 500 years! That the first one in half a millennia would tell you something as unexpected as what Gabriel told that aged priest – who could blame him for doubting? Would we do any better?

Zacharias lived with that sad sign for nearly a year – unable to verbally communicate with anyone, including Elisabeth – about the wondrous-ness of what they were experiencing. Talmage refers to him as “highly blessed though sorely smitten”, the penalty for his doubt already operative before he left the temple, and in place till his tongue was loosened on the day of John’s circumcision when he burst forth in prophecy saying among other things “And thou, child, shalt be called the prophet of the Highest: for thou shalt go before the face of the Lord to prepare his ways; to give knowledge of salvation unto his people, by the remission of their sins, through the tender mercy of our God ….” Talmage said “The last words Zacharias had uttered prior to the infliction of dumbness, were words of doubt and unbelief, words in which he had called for a sign as proof of authority of one who came from the presence of the Almighty; the words with which he broke his long silence were words of praise unto God in whom he had ALL assurance …”

Yes, I think there may have been a little ‘shame’ in Zacharias having to live with the consequence of his doubt and challenge to the angel – so unbecoming of someone like himself. And yes, I think there might have been some tears as he confessed to Elisabeth why he had lost his power to speak. How could he not have felt it? But he was a better man than to wallow in it. He had learned a good lesson that I doubt he’d ever forget. He and Elisabeth had nine silent months to draw closer to God and to feel of His great love for them, and to marvel at the fact that they were about to have a son, and not just any son! It’s insightful to consider the humility that would naturally accompany the assignment to parent such a child! Such a privilege. Oh, I am SURE they knew they were loved and trusted – notwithstanding past mistakes.

There may be times in our lives when we’re not our best selves. Times when our faith wavers, when we doubt and question things we never thought we’d doubt or question. Or perhaps someone we love lets us down in the moment they should have done better. I believe Zacharias would have some counsel for us. I believe he would own his ‘moment’ and refer to it as the great lesson it was for him. I’d love to hear his counsel. I believe he would ask us to allow ourselves a little grace, and that he’d reassure us God never stops loving us – even when we have to live out some natural consequences of our actions. “Let God prevail” I think he would say. And surely God WILL prevail.

Thank you Zacharias for moving forward in faith. And for never wavering again. Thank you for telling your story so that Luke could write it down many years later. Thank you for being brave enough to let your weak moment be known, so that we could learn from it, and more understand the nature of God. Thank you for the important role you played in events that you never lived to see transpire. Thank you for living your life in such a way that God chose you to play that role.

Thank you Elisabeth for loving the man that he was, and for being patient in living with the consequence of his mistake, not your own. Thank you for being a true mother in Zion even when you despaired of ever having your own children, and for devoting the rest of your life to raising this one very special son.

Thank you Luke for being kind to Zacharias as you shared his story, and for emphasizing that notwithstanding what we were about to learn about him, he was an exceptionally good and obedient man, walking blameless before the Lord.

Thank you Brother Talmage for feeling a love for Zacharias, and for helping me to see him through a different lens.

I’d love to hear your thoughts Reader, on this great and humble figure in the New Testament – who would have lived his life out in obscurity except for the son he would sire. And of course his one weak moment.

Warmly,

Cindy Suelzle

*quote about Joseph Smith’s heritage found in Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young (1997), pg 96.
*other quotes found in the chapter reviewed here