Somewhere within my first year of marriage (within the first 6 months), I experienced an abrupt metamorphosis in my life. I stopped going out. Stopped leaving our apartment. Stopped even answering the door. It didn’t happen suddenly but sudden enough. It took months before it became evident that it was a ‘problem’ more than a choice. I wouldn’t go downstairs to use the washing machine. Dan bought me a little washing machine we hooked up to the kitchen sink. I wouldn’t use the dryer so we had clothes hanging all over the living room for hours to dry. I’d go to church and to my parents and Dan’s parents houses, but no where else – unless Dan was with me. I wouldn’t go for a walk. If Dan wasn’t home I wouldn’t answer the door. It went on for a couple of years. We had disagreements about it. Dan would say “You NEVER go anywhere!” “Yes I do. I go to Church. I go to your Mom’s.” “You never go anywhere without me.” “I go to Relief Society.” Those were places I felt safe.
Dan tried his best to encourage me to go out. We’d go for walks. We’d go over to Westmount Mall across the street. He tried to get me to apply for a part time job. One day he pushed me out the door, and told me not to come back for an hour. “I don’t care where you go” he said. “Anywhere! But do not walk back inside this door for at least an hour.” I sat on the back door step and cried for an hour, then came back and said I’d gone for a walk.
That might have been my first big clue as to how big this problem was becoming. I was pregnant with my first baby and I began to wonder what kind of a mother I could be. What would I do when it came time for him to go to school? I knew I couldn’t take him the way I was. I began to acknowledge that this was bigger than me, and all my excuses and justifications began to sound lame – even to me. I realized they were strategies to cover up the fact that I wouldn’t / couldn’t leave the house.
Five babies and I never went to a single doctor’s appointment alone.
After Jacob was born I began having Dan drop me off at the library on his way back to work after lunch. I would hide in the back behind books with the baby stroller until I was brave enough to walk by the librarian and out the door. Then I’d walk home. Eventually I got brave enough to get a library card and actually sign out a few books. It was pathetically slow progress, but it was empowering.
“Cognitive Behavioral Therapy” is the term Luke told me described what I was doing.
It took me YEARS to get through it. Years of being controlled by fear. Thousands of experiences. Lots of strategies that I would implement in trying to control my fear.
No one ever knew what we were dealing with, although my behaviour had to have been difficult for some people to understand and I’m sure there were rolled eyes – because sometimes my excuses sounded lame even to me. I remember once a friend at church telling me “They totally knew you were home Cindy” after I couldn’t open the door when the home teachers stopped by. Dan wasn’t home and I didn’t know they were coming. I couldn’t deal with surprises like that. I was SO embarrassed. We lived in a branch, so they had driven over 30 minutes to get to my house. I felt terrible. Still do.
One evening, – skipping several years and four kids ahead – Dan and I were watching W5 on TV, and they did an Expose’ on Agoraphobia. We were riveted to the screen. We had never heard anything like it. I remember saying to Dan “There’s a name for it. It’s a thing! There are people like me.” You never see them of course. Because they’re at home.
Skip ahead another few years – I thought I was better.
After I had Luke I said to Dan while we were doing dishes together one evening. “Its happening again. I can feel it. I’m in trouble.” He said “No Cindy. We’ll never let it happen again. We know what to look for now.” “Seriously? I haven’t been out of this house in six weeks. Did you even know that?” No. He didn’t. And that was what scared me. “You LIVE with me! That’s how good I am at this. Not even the people I live with know what I’m doing.” It took me three weeks before even I knew what I was doing – but at some point my reasons started sounding contrived, and I knew. I also knew that if I fell back into that hole – I’d probably never have what it took to get back out again. I knew there wasn’t a thing Dan could do if I didn’t buy in.
I began to develop strategies. It helped that I had told Dan.
Skip ahead another few years. We owned the bookstore by then. I started working a little from home. On the computer. I had the ability to manage the store computer from home. One day I said to Dan “It’s happening again. I can feel it.” “No Cindy. We’ll never let it happen again.” “Dan! I haven’t walked out that front door for over TWO WEEKS! Did you even know that?” No. He didn’t. “I manage a bookstore! Dan if I can figure out how to stay home, you’ll never get me outta here again!”
I began to think of it as my demon.
So all that was to give you some context for the Life Hack that changed my life.
My first year working in the bookstore – I didn’t know anything. Christmas. Wow. In a retail business I discovered, your 4th quarter is everything. A good 4th quarter will pay your rent till June – which you need, because not every quarter is a good one. That first January I had a big crash.
The next couple of years as I learned the business, that 4th quarter became even more stressful. Christmas started in April – and I started seeing old familiar feelings surface. But now I was trapped. Old strategies weren’t transferable.
I remember kneeling beside my bed – begging for help. And I hit upon a plan. I would schedule a CRASH for January. That way I could be in control of it. I looked at my calendar – and with all my January commitments in mind – found THREE days that I could afford to have a nervous breakdown. I blocked them off and let everyone know that I was out of commission those days. They became sacred days to me. And I knew that they had to trump everything. I had too much at stake to lose control again. I knew that if I didn’t control my demons, they’d control me. I’d been there. I had done that. I never wanted to go back again.
I remember standing at the til chatting with customers and occasionally one of those days might get mentioned. “Oops” I’d say “I can’t be there. I’m having my nervous breakdown that week.”
It became something to chuckle at and joke about – but I was dead serious. I knew that those three days I would be home. Doing – – – who knew? Maybe read. Maybe stare out the window. Maybe I’d have a few hot baths or stay in my pajamas all day. I didn’t plan to answer the door, or even answer the phone.
It was therapeutic even thinking about it. Freeing. It was my light at the end of the tunnel. Every long day as I drove home overwhelmed – I’d think “This is okay. I’m having a nervous breakdown on January 22. I can do anything.” By PLANNING it, and scheduling it I controlled the when and where. By limiting it to three days I stayed in control. I might stay in bed and cry for three days, but at the end of that third day – I knew in the morning, I’d get up, shower and dress and life would go on.
I cannot tell you how much that helped.
I’ve since discovered there’s a name for that too. MAP. My Action Plan.
Who Knew?
My MAP evolved – it changed the way it looked over time, but I kept those days – and I kept control. It was the light at the end of my tunnel.
I learned many things through this process –
I learned what Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is. Who Knew that going to the library and hiding out behind the books before could have such a cool name?
I learned that we can help ourselves and that if we don’t – nobody else can.
I learned that we never know what someone else is going through.
I learned that we need to give people grace. No matter what.
I learned the meaning of this scripture “IF men come unto me, I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for IF they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me THEN will I make weak things become strong unto them.” Ether 12:27 That’s an IF – THEN promise. My favourite kind.
I learned that my weaknesses were MINE. They are actually a gift – specially designed for me. Given to me from God. They’re not going anywhere. They can however, be changed into strengths if I allow that to happen. “I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.” DC 82:10 Of all that I could have bound to me, I can think of nothing I’d prefer than Him.
I learned that weaknesses don’t just go away. Though it may seem that they have – they are in fact, still there. You learn to manage them, but they’re always yours. Remember, they have a purpose.
I learned to “search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, IF ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted …” DC 90:24
ALL things – that’s pretty inclusive. It doesn’t say ‘some’ things. It doesn’t say ‘most’ things. It doesn’t say all things except mental illness or cancer. It literally says “ALL things.” That means even our weaknesses, IF we walk uprightly and remember our covenants. Another IF – THEN promise.
I learned that with God, my weaknesses can become strengths. But that doesn’t happen by pretending they’re not there.
All this is very self absorbing. And its easy to get lost in one’s SELF. But to do that is contrary to God’s way. Somewhere along the line, I learned another hack that helped immensely. In a private conversation in our family room – Michael McLean shared a hack of his own. He has never made a secret of the fact that he suffers from clinical depression. That’s his demon. And yet, he’s a performer, in the public eye a lot. What seems to be his greatest strength is actually his weakness turned inside out. I asked him “What about when you’re not feeling it? What about if you just don’t feel that you can pull it off?” His answer: “Sometimes, its not about YOU.”
He shared his testimony about the antidote to “YOU”. He said that if it was always about him, he’d hardly ever do anything. He said that sometimes it had to be about something more. Look up, and look outward. As a people, we greatly desire to become Christlike. We try to be Christlike. We pray to be more Christlike. So IF that’s truly what we want, when was it about Him? In all scripture – when was it about Him? It was always about someone else. The person he was healing, preaching the doctrine of his father, even on the cross it wasn’t about him. Twice in scripture the Savior posed the question – “What manner of men [and women] ought ye to be?” The second time his answer was “Verily I say unto you, even as I am” (3 Nephi 27:27) So it becomes a point of doctrine to try to be like Him.
Michael said to me, that before entering any door – we should briefly pause and ask ourselves – “Who is the most important person in this room?” Then look around. Occasionally the answer may be ‘me’. Today I am the most important person in this room. And if we are, then we are entitled to all sorts of self centered thoughts, opinions and feelings. “I’m uncomfortable. I’m busy. I have a lot on my mind. I don’t even really want to be here. I never know where to sit anyway.” And all those self directed thoughts are justifiable – when you’re the most important person in the room.
But what if – just IF, you’re not. What if you decide that . . . SHE is the most important person in the room. Immediately, your thoughts shift. You think – “Wow, she’s having a good hair day. Looks like a new dress. I really like that colour on her. There’s an empty chair beside her. I should tell her how much I enjoyed her son’s talk in sacrament meeting. I should tell her what a kick I got out of her daughter when I subbed in primary last week.” See how things in your head change? Less thinking about you – and more about someone else – creates a headspace that is more healthy. More selfLESS. More willing to serve. More considerate of another’s feelings. More willing to take care of someone else. It is true what they say, about focusing outward. God can work with you better when you’re willing to look outward.
Talk about your Action Plan. Best action plan ever!.
By doing that – you take care of yourself in the best way possible, and you invite the spirit to hang out with you more often. Your best friend.
These are two of my Life Hacks. 1. TAKE CONTROL of your weaknesses BEFORE they control you. Give them some space. A safe place. And fair time. Then put them away. 2. Remember, it’s not always about YOU. In fact, it seldom is.
You’ve got this. With God, “All things” can work together for your good. Believe it.
over 100 questions to review with your sweetheart before you go any further
When my parents got married, they hardly knew each other. My dad had been serving in the Navy during the Korean Conflict, and my mom was a young teenager on the Canadian prairies. Her dad had recently died and she’d quit school to earn some cash to help out at home. In 1953 my dad was stationed on Vancouver Island. He took a leave and traveled by bus to southern Alberta to marry my mom. They hadn’t seen each other in nearly three years; she was not quite 18 years old. The night before the wedding they had a terrible fight – raising their voices. SHE hurled out “I don’t want to marry you!” HE surprised her by adding “I don’t want to marry you either.” That sobered them both up and they asked “What are we gonna do?” SHE said “I don’t know. But if we don’t get married, Mom will kill me. She’s been cooking all day.” . . . . . now this is a good moment to pause and reflect. Gramma was a widow with 8 children, struggling to make ends meet. My parents – being kids, decided that under the circumstances, their best option was to get married. Within 48 hours, they had all her worldly possessions packed into two suitcases, and were on a bus headed for the coast. Predictably, their life was not an easy one, they had little common ground. But they struggled their way through it.
Many years later, when I wasn’t much older than my mother had been, Dan and I lived in different cities during our courtship. Consequently we spent many hours on the highway driving from one place to the other. I lived in Cold Lake on the Military base finishing high school, Dan lived in Edmonton – a four hour drive. During those long drives (mostly in the winter and mostly in the dark), radio had poor reception the further north we drove, so we filled the time by talking. We shared opinions, philosophies and perspectives, as well as histories, traditions and dreams. We got to know each other. Touching just about every subject we could think of, we learned things about ourselves and each other, found common ground, made compromises, established boundaries, and agreed to agree on many things. I shared my fledgling testimony of the gospel.
Flashing forward a handful of years, we discovered that the things we understood better because of those long uninterrupted conversations set the groundwork for many little successes in our relationship. We had shared feelings about things that were important to us at the time, and made commitments of mutual respect to honour those feelings. We had sorted out some differences that likely would have been divisive later on.
We made a series of very important commitments to each other that sustained us for the decades that followed. We could not have guessed at how important or long lasting and strengthening those discussions would become. One thing we agreed on in those early years – long before any children came our way, was to never argue in front of our children. We agreed to never raise our voices at each other, never swear at each other, belittle or speak poorly of each other, never undermine the other – and above all, to maintain a “united front” of solidarity and mutual respect in front of our children. We understood that we wouldn’t always see eye to eye, but we agreed to take care of those issues privately until we did.
We had discussed family traditions, those we grew up with, those we observed outside our families, and those we wanted to establish in our future home. There were many things we couldn’t have anticipated, but in retrospect I am surprised at how many we did anticipate or accidentally hit on. I’ve always been glad we had that time – undisturbed by default, devoted to learning about each other as individuals, and US as a future family. It helped. It truly helped. Marriage is difficult enough – the merging of personalities, priorities, different backgrounds, expectations, feelings of right and wrong, and unique understanding of the world we live in. Difficult enough without adding powerful differences like our personal relationships with, and how we felt about God. We talked about that too; my feelings were much stronger. I had seen opposing examples of family life with God and without God, and my decision to establish a house with God had been cemented. Dan didn’t share that conviction but he respected it. It was almost enough.
As our kids grew up and began courting themselves, it became clear to me that they didn’t take the time to discuss the things I felt strongly that they needed to. They didn’t have those undisturbed hours on the highway without music or talk radio. I began to worry that they wouldn’t enjoy the unplanned but much appreciated benefit of those discussions that had served Dan and I so well. I decided to write down some of the questions that came to mind – the ones that stayed with me and that I was most grateful we had gone through. There will always be things one discovers later, things you wish you had talked about, ‘surprises’, but hopefully – with learned communication skills and a greater appreciation of the inner workings – they can be handled better.
The list of questions in this article is intended to be the beginning of ongoing dialogue between couples who are seriously dating and moving toward marriage. Ultimately, its purpose is to increase understanding and mutual respect between both and to prevent bringing unnecessary baggage to the marriage alter. Please go through them together, and in order as they are designed to progress – one section upon the other, from Temporal issues to Spiritual issues. Take your time, don’t rush through them. I suggest dedicating a whole week to each question. I also suggest you add your own questions as they come to mind.
You may discover one or two questions are repeated – this is not an accident. It is intended that the question be considered from a different perspective. Perhaps in your discussions, you might realize you have new insight. Perhaps in your discussions, you may find that your differences are irreconcilable. That will be very sad, but much better before the wedding than after. It happened twice in our family. It was sad to watch our kids’ broken hearts – but far better than marrying with those differences.
Temporal
FINANCES Money, and the use/misuse of it, is unavoidably part of our everyday lives and is one of the biggest causes for contention, arguments, and divorce.
? What is my/your/our – commitment toward TITHING? What is my / your testimony regarding this important commandment? What do I pay tithing based on – the gross or the net? How do I determine that? How strict am I in my obedience? We know that tithing is a principle with a promise. What promise? What blessings do I expect in return for my obedience? Is it wrong to expect a blessing when I am obedient to the principle upon which it is founded?
– Who will handle the day-to-day finances? – What are our long term financial goals? – What sacrifices are we prepared to make to reach those goals? – What are our financial goals for the next year? For the next five years? – What kind of a budget will we set up? What kind of commitment will we have to it? – How will we pay for dentist bills? Eye glasses? Prescriptions? Car repairs? Emergency purchases like a new furnace? New fridge? – How will we make large purchases? – The strong counsel of the church has always been to stay out of unnecessary debt. What would constitute unnecessary debt? What is debt justified for? – How do I personally / you personally / we – feel about debt? What commitment do we have to adhering to the counsel of prophets on this important subject? – What purchases would we consider going into debt for? – Credit cards are a valuable tool in our world. They are also the vehicle for a terrible form of bondage. In what ways is this true? What is my commitment toward the use of credit cards? What am I willing to do without in order to keep that commitment? – How will we fit gifts into our budget? For each other? For others? How will we plan to pay for Christmas? – What is normal in my family / your family – regarding gift giving? What is tradition? What do I / you want to continue? What adjustments are we willing to make in order to be unified in this area? – Regarding gifts, does equal mean ‘the same’ / identical? Do we need to provide the ‘same’ way in order to provide equally? Do we need to spend the ‘same’ in all things in order to be equal? Do our individual needs, need to be ‘the same’ in order to be of equal importance? – Keeping in mind that we come from two entirely different backgrounds, what is important to one family, may not be important (or even meaningful) to the other. If one family has never done something before, and has no expectation of it, how necessary is it to begin doing it, simply to keep things ‘equal’ between our two families? – What examples can we think of that this might apply to? What can we do to avoid this being a contentious issue? What changes or compromises do I/you/we feel are important to make so that we bring the best of both our upbringings to this area, and so that we are both comfortable? – What things, or in what areas do I/you personally consider important enough to spend money that may not be an area others would consider important? What do I/you consider unimportant? What do I/you consider a waste of money? What would I/you really have a problem justifying spending money on? – What do I consider fair in the way of financial accountability to each other, and what do I consider over the top and being too controlling or too controlled? – There is a big difference between the financial struggle that accompanies shared goals, effort, sacrifice and growth, and when that ‘struggle’ morphs into feelings of helplessness and even despair. Although uncomfortable, struggle and growth are healthy and good. But there is no peace in debt. Living beyond our means soon enough causes distress. Financial distress causes despair. – In what ways is despair different than struggle? How will we be able to tell the difference? – What will we do if somehow, we have allowed ourselves to get into a financial situation that causes despair? What measures will we take to rescue ourselves? How will we stay united in this effort? – What commitment do we make to stand on our own two feet as a new family? – At what point do we go to our families and ask for help? How do we avoid or prevent ourselves from asking for help too frequently and expecting someone else to repeatedly rescue us from poor choices we’ve made? – Who will we feel comfortable asking for help? When do we ask for help? And what arrangements do we make to repay that help? – How important is it to share our good fortune with others? What obligation should we feel toward being charitable? What does charity mean to me/you? Is giving without sacrifice really charity? What sacrifices are we willing to make to help another in need?
2. CAREER You don’t have to choose career over marriage or marriage over career. You really should have both – and you can have both. TALK. And figure those details out together as you mutually move toward your goals.
– What are his or her long range career goals? – Where does he or she realistically expect to be in one year? Five years? Ten years? – What effort will be required to achieve these goals? – What sacrifices are we prepared to make to accomplish these goals? – What skill will we have acquired sufficiently and have enough experience in, to fall back on if or when an additional wage is needed? – What are we willing to do to ensure that she or he has an additional marketable skill? – Will she work after children come into the family? – What are our feelings in this area? What are our family backgrounds in this area? What are our personal priorities? How has my/your attitude and commitment been influenced by the experiences and priorities we grew up with? – How important is it to me that our children have a mom home fulltime? How important is it to you? – The Proclamation on the Family states: “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.” – How important is it to us that we are in line with this or any other prophetic counsel? – What adjustments in our attitudes and perspectives do we need to make to be reconciled with this prophetic counsel? – What are we willing to sacrifice to achieve this?
3. HOUSEHOLD CHORES
* No matter how much we’d like to avoid them, they’re part of our life. While it is important to have spousal roles established, it is equally important to be flexible.
For instance: in our marriage, the house has always been Mom’s responsibility although Dad was quick to help whenever it was needed. Providing financially has always been Dad’s responsibility, but Mom has always done whatever possible to help ease the burden, and for awhile became the major breadwinner. Cars and yard work have always been Dad’s domain, while gardening has always been Mom’s, although both have chipped in when needed. Dad does the heavy work, Mom does the ‘fiddley’ work. Dad enjoys barbequing, Mom enjoys indoors cooking. Dad wants meat so he, for the most part cooks it, otherwise we would be eating much less of it. Those were our established ‘roles’, that we ourselves chose and were comfortable with. At times however, necessity demanded that we adjust – sometimes dramatically for a time. It was an ‘adjustment’, sometimes even a painful adjustment, but not a reversal of roles. When the need abated, former rolls fell back into place. – Cindy Suelzle
– What are your priorities in the area of roles and expectations? – The Proclamation on the Family states: “In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” – How will the chores be divided up? How will they differ or adjust when ‘she’ quits work to nurture children? Or continues working? – Who will take responsibility for what area? – What are our role definitions? – What are our role expectations? – What skills do I need to acquire or improve upon to be a better wife/mother/nurturer? – What skills do I need to acquire or improve upon to be a better husband/father/provider? – What am I willing to do to learn better skills, and what am I prepared to do to help YOU learn and grow in your responsibilities?
4. FOOD, NUTRITION and HEALTH
There’s a connection. Undeniably.
– What do we consider important here? – What foods are “comfort foods” to me? or my personal or traditional favorites? Do I have an opinion on the ‘type’ of foods we eat as a family? – Am I willing to have new food experiences? – What foods do I have a strong dislike to? How will we compromise here? – Review Section 89 of the D&C. – How do we interpret this section? What are our insights? To what extent are we willing to follow the noncompulsory parts of its direction? – What kind of responsibility do I feel toward proper nutrition? – What are my standards on the “quality” of the food we buy or grow?
– How will we deal with minor illnesses in our family? – What kinds of medication do I consider appropriate? – How will we deal with major illnesses?
“When we were newly married, we decided on some basic things which we thought were important to acquire for our independence and self reliance. ie: a few flashlights, coal oil lanterns with extra wicks and sufficient oil for many days use, wheat grinder, food dehydrator, canner, sufficient jars for home canning, juicer, battery operated radio etc. Money was always an issue. We used birthdays and Christmases and any other opportunity to acquire them for each other or to put on our wish lists if anyone else was interested. ” – Cindy
– What are our priorities in the area of Family Preparedness and Emergency Preparedness? – What is the difference? – What are our goals? What are we prepared to do to meet these goals? – Read David A. Bednar’s talk WE WILL PROVE THEM HEREWITH
There is strong counsel to STORE WHAT YOU EAT, AND EAT WHAT YOU STORE. To store food you don’t normally eat, doesn’t make any sense at all. But to not eat what you’ve got stored so that it is constantly be rotated, also doesn’t make sense, and leads to waste.
– What are our individual opinions on the counsel to store food? – How do we feel about that counsel and what is my/your/our commitment to it? – How does that counsel fit into what we see going on in the world around us? – How much of our family budget are we prepared to spend building up and then maintaining our year’s supply of food and other necessities? – How will we obey the prophet’s counsel to plant a garden in whatever living situation we find ourselves? Remember that we receive no commandment without the Lord providing a way for us to accomplish that thing. (1N3:7)
6. ENTERTAINMENT and GIFTS
“When there is a good movie in town, consider going to the theater as a family. Your very patronage will give encouragement to those who wish to produce this type of entertainment, and use that most remarkable of all tools of communication, television, to enrich their lives. There is so much that is good, but it requires selectivity. Let those who are responsible for any efforts to put suitable family entertainment on television know of your appreciation for that which is good and also of your displeasure with that which is bad. In large measure, we get what we ask for.” “…if there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.” (A/F 13) – Gordon B. Hinckley
– How will we honour ‘date night’? – Do we like to host? What is important to me/you in hosting? – What is my favorite type of entertainment? – What type of entertainment would I consider as a regular form of entertainment? – On a monthly basis? – On a once in awhile basis? – On a seasonal/yearly/anniversary celebration basis? – How much money would I consider fair and reasonable to budget/spend on these forms of entertainment?
– Some couples do not give gifts to each other. Some consider it very important. How do I feel about it? – How do YOU feel about it? If our opinions differ, what will we do here? – What do I expect in the way of a birthday gift? Christmas gift? Anniversary gift? – What would disappoint me and hurt my feelings concerning a gift from you? – What would I absolutely love to receive from you? – What type of gift would always be a hit with me?
7. PERSONAL STANDARDS
Personal standards are hugely important, and their variance affects every facet of our lives. We are ruled by our own personal standards. So what are mine? And am I consistent with them? Do they transition smoothly to all areas?
“The flood of pornographic filth, the inordinate emphasis on sex and violence are not peculiar to North America. The situation is as bad in Europe and in many other areas. The whole dismal picture indicates a weakening rot seeping into the very fiber of society. Legal restraints against deviant moral behavior are eroding under legislative enactments and court opinions. This is done in the name of freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom of choice in so-called personal matters. But the bitter fruit of these so-called freedoms has been enslavement to debauching habits and behavior that leads only to destruction. A prophet, speaking long ago, aptly described the process when he said, “And thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell” (2 Nephi 28:21). ……. I am satisfied that there is no need to stand still and let the filth and violence overwhelm us or to run in despair. The tide, high and menacing as it is, can be turned back if enough … will add their strength to the strength of the few who are now effectively working. I believe the challenge to oppose this evil is one from which members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, as citizens, cannot shrink. …. Respect for self is the beginning of virtue in men. That man who knows that he is a child of God, created in the image of a divine Father and gifted with a potential for the exercise of great and godlike virtues, will discipline himself against the sordid, lascivious elements to which all are exposed.” – Gordon B. Hinkley
– How do I feel about protecting my home, my family and myself from the plague of Pornography? – What steps am I prepared to take against it? – What about Inappropriate music? And other forms of entertainment which chase away the spirit of God? – How do I feel about the prophet’s admonition to not watch R–rated movies, or anything like unto them? – How important is it to me to have the spirit of the Lord in my home at all times? What am I prepared to do to make sure it is always there? – Do I sup from the scriptures daily? And do I consider it important to study daily as a couple and family? – How will we do this? What commitment will we make to each other to continue? – If circumstances interfere from time to time, what will we do to get back-on-the-wagon? – How important is it to me to align myself with the counsel of the leaders of the church? Of what value is this in my life? – How important is it to me to have a clean house? What does this even look like to me? What am I prepared to do to accomplish this? – Do we have similar standards on personal hygiene/grooming? Are we compatible in this area? – How important is it to me to keep a close relationship with my immediate family? – What am I prepared to do to learn to appreciate and come to love YOUR family? – If one of my siblings needs help, what obligation will I feel toward them? Will I feel the same obligation to one of your siblings?
Etiquette is a societal thing; it changes from one society to another, but wherever you live, it is very important. It is a set of ‘norms’ of personal behaviour in polite society. They show respect to others. Eating at someone else’s table where you don’t understand proper etiquette can be offensive, disrespectful, intimidating and embarrassing. Learning regional and cultural variances is easy to adjust to when you have a good foundational knowledge of some basics. Understanding and being comfortable with good table manners will always put an individual in the advantage. – Cindy Suelzle
– How important are table manners and table etiquette including setting a proper table to me? How will they help us be comfortable in social situations and help our kids to be comfortable eating with others as they grow older? – What about good manners in general?
Speaking about personal respect for each other . . . .
– How will we show respect to and for each other? – How will we honor each other? – How should we treat each other in public? What things should we agree to NOT discuss with other people? – What guidelines could we agree on to ensure that we do not say things around other people that may hurt our sweetheart’s feelings? – How will we know when we have offended our sweetheart’s feelings? And what will we do about it? – What do I consider RUDE? What do I consider inconsiderate or thoughtless? – How do we fix things between us? – What do I need to feel ‘safe’ enough to discuss with you, things that are important to me? …things that are sensitive to me? …. things that are hurtful to me? – What can I do to help YOU feel ‘safe’ enough to discuss those things openly with me? – We have been admonished to study “out of the best books”. What do we consider Best Books? – How important is a “gospel library” to me? – How important is it to me to have a good “classic library”? – What kind of plan should we implement to accomplish our goal?
“You know that your children will read. They will read books, and they will read magazines and newspapers. Cultivate within them a taste for the best. While they are very young, read to them the great stories which have become immortal because of the virtues they teach. Expose them to good books. Let there be a corner somewhere in your house, be it ever so small, where they will see at least a few books of the kind upon which great minds have been nourished. … Let there be good magazines about the house, those which are produced by the Church and by others, which will stimulate their thoughts to ennobling concepts. Let them read a good family newspaper that they may know what is going on in the world without being exposed to the debasing advertising and writing so widely found.” – Gordon B. Hinckley
– How important is music to me? – What do I consider worthy/appropriate music? How do I feel about a music library?
“Let there be music in the home. If you have teenagers who have their own recordings, you may be prone to describe the sound as something other than music. Let them hear something better occasionally. Expose them to it. It will speak for itself. More appreciation will come than you may think. It may not be spoken, but it will be felt, and its influence will become increasingly manifest as the years pass.” – Gordon B. Hinckley
– How important is it to me to develop a musical talent of mine? What kind of support will I expect?
7. TRADITIONS
– How did my family celebrate Christmas? What was my favourite part? – What was our traditional meal? – When did we open gifts? What kinds of things did we get in our stockings? – How do I feel about continuing my family’s Christmas traditions into our own family? – How do I think we should keep Christ in our Christmas celebrations? – What are the best parts of the ways we each celebrated Christmas in the families we grew up with? – What could we do differently in our home that we will both be happy with? – What traditions will I bring with me? You with you? Do we agree on the value of these traditions? – How did my family celebrate Easter? What was my favourite part? What part do I want to continue in my own family? – How do I feel about Halloween? – Thanksgiving? – Summer vacation? – What is my favorite holiday? And why? How can I share my enthusiasm for this special day with you? – What style of furniture do I like? What can I be happy with? What compromises am I willing to make?
Spiritual
8. TEMPLE ATTENDANCE
With temples being so close to the bulk of the membership, many couples set a goal for regular attendance. – What is my feeling about the promise of eternal families that temples represent? – What goal will we set for ourselves relative to attending the temple? – And of continual temple worthiness?
9. PERSONAL or PRIVATE SPIRITUAL COMMITMENT
– What commitment will we make specifically about scripture study, individual/couple/family prayer, journal writing and family record keeping? – How will we choose to preserve family memories? (i.e. photos, slides, videos, albums, scrapbooks etc) – What Christ-like attribute most impressed me about you? drew me to you? and made me want you for my companion? – What is the thing I admire/respect most about you that I would like to emulate in my life? – How important to me are the laws, ordinances and principles of the gospel? – How important is it to me to be align myself to them? How important do I think it should be? Is there even any value in obedience? – What efforts am I willing to make in my personal desire to have a relationship with my Saviour? – What is my feeling about regular church attendance? – What is my feeling toward church service? – The counsel of the brethren is to dress as if we are wearing temple garments, even if we are not. – How do I feel about modesty in dress and speech? – What commitment do I feel to dress so that I reflect church standards at all times?
Testimonies are living breathing things in need of constant nourishment. They can become weak and even sickly if they’re not taken care of. What will I do if you lose your testimony? What will you do if I lose mine?
10. CHURCH RESPONSIBILITIES
– What is my commitment level to callings and responsibilities within the Church? – How willing am I to serve selflessly and faithfully in the Church? – What will I do to encourage my partner in his/her ministering stewardships? – What will I do to support and sustain my partner in his/her individual callings?
11. TITHES and OFFERINGS
– What do I regard as an honest and full tithing? – Do we agree on what we consider Increase? – How do I feel about fast and other offerings? – What do I consider a generous fast offering? – Do we agree on this? – What about other donations such as the Perpetual Education fund or the Missionary fund? Do I believe that blessings will come into our lives as a result of our obeying the law of tithing and of contributing to other funds organized by the Church for the benefit of the charity the Church provides? – Do I have an understanding of the principle of ‘offerings’?
12. SABBATH OBSERVANCE – What do I consider proper Sabbath observance? – What are some of the things we should DO on Sunday? – What are some of the things I feel that we should NOT do in order to keep the Sabbath day separate and holy? – What are our expectations of each other in this area? – What would disappoint me regarding our/your Sabbath observance?
13. FAMILY HOME EVENING
“A better tomorrow begins with the training of a better generation. This places upon parents the responsibility to do a more effective work in the rearing of children. The home is the cradle of virtue, the place where character is formed and habits are established. Family home evening is the opportunity to teach the ways of the Lord.” – Gordon B. Hinckley
– What will we do to ensure that we observe the counsel to keep Monday evenings for family when we are still just a couple? What will we do to use this opportunity to strengthen our family in the gospel? – How will we keep it a priority? – What commitments are we prepared to make now that would directly impact our future children regarding Family Home Evening (FHE)?
ROMANCE
14. FRIENDSHIP
What things are important to me in our continued relationship as FRIENDS? What are my expectations from a best friend? What am I prepared to do to BE your best friend? What do I consider healthy as far as other best friends in my/your life? What freedom will I be willing to give my spouse in their pursuit of relationships with other friends?
15. DATE NIGHT
– How committed are we to obeying the council to have regular date night? What value do we see in this practice? – What good examples can I think of concerning regular date night observance? – What are we prepared to do on a daily basis to keep the romance in our marriage alive? – How will we observe special days such as our Anniversary? Each other’s birthdays? Valentine’s Day? Etc. (i.e. some couples celebrate their anniversary date by attending the temple to do sealings. In this way it is a continual reminder of the covenants they made and the promises they could depend on.)
If I intend to be happily married to you in 40+ years, what am I prepared to give until then to ensure it? – How will we talk about each other in front of other people? (even if we are upset with the other) – How will we talk toeach other in front of other people? – What precautions will we take to ensure we never undermine, belittle, ridicule, embarrass or insult our sweetheart? (in private or in front of others) – What if we do offend the other not intending to? – What if they get their feelings hurt over something we considered innocent or even funny? – How will we refer to each other? What terms of endearment am I comfortable with? – What will we do when we fall out of love? (WE WILL bytheway) – How will we stay married, and healthy and committed to each other if one day we think that we’ve grown apart? How will we help each other through it? – How will we communicate to each other that we are in distress, and that something is very wrong in our relationship? – What are we prepared to do to overcome major difficulties in our relationship? – What do we expect from each other in the area of commitment and communication? to our marriage – to our children – to our own family – to Family Home Evening – to Date Night – to our extended families – to our ward – to the Church – to God – and to our community?
16. INTIMACY and PREGNANCY
– How do I/you feel about purity before marriage? – Can we be honest with our personal history concerning that? – Can we deal with it? How will we deal with it? – Do we see the need for using a form of birth control? If so, what form will we use? – What will we do to make sure we are educated and properly informed about current methods of birth control? – How important is a feeling of ‘trust’ and safety to me in regards to intimacy? -How important do I think it is that we both feel comfortable about being open and honest in our discussions about intimacy? – What will we do to be sure we are educated and properly informed about pregnancy and child birth? – What will we do to ensure optimum health for Mom and baby? How involved do we want Dad to be in the birthing? – What if the unthinkable happens? ….. miscarriage? What if . . . our baby dies? How will we help each other through this hard thing? – What if another unthinkable happens? . . . . . infidelity? What will we do? – Can we see ourselves able to forgive? – What are our ‘non-negotiables’ in this area?
17. PARENTING
– How many children do we want? – Will Mom stay home to raise them? – What is my idea of discipline? – What are some things that I consider very important in child rearing? – What should we as parents do to ensure that we teach by example such things as respect for womanhood? Manhood? Etiquette? Table manners? Good housekeeping? Personal cleanliness? Personal responsibility? The law? – What are things I consider essential to teach children? -Where will we turn to learn parenting skills? – How will we teach our children that the Church is true? That we love, respect and obey the prophet? And that Jesus Christ is the cornerstone of our life? – How will I show my children that the scriptures are important to me? And that they can come to know Jesus Christ through their own personal study of them? – What efforts will we make to encourage our children to stay active in the Church? And to adhere to the counsel it provides? – How will I show them the importance of education and help them to develop a love of reading? – What are some absolute taboos concerning children in my opinion? – What do I feel very strongly about – concerning behaviors we will encourage, those we allow and behaviors we will absolutely forbid? Do we agree? What should we do to ensure compliance with these behaviors? – What if we have an unhealthy child? Perhaps a down syndrome child, or one who has a serious illness or disability? How do we plan to be the best parents possible no matter what that looks like? – What did our parents do right in the parenting department, that we’d like to emulate? – What improvements can we make over our parents’ best attempts, to continue to become the best parents our children deserve?
18. OTHER THINGS of IMPORTANCE TO CONSIDER
– What are my priorities in the area of TIME? – What do I consider a big waste of time? – a moderate waste of time? – Where would I absolutely draw the line in my flexibility of my partner doing something I consider to be a waste of time, money and energy? Or something I abhor? – What are my priorities in the area of money? – It is likely that we may look at money differently. One might resent frugality. One might resent spending freely with no regard for budget. What do I consider a big waste of money? – a moderate waste of money? – Where would I absolutely draw the line in my tolerance of my partner spending money in what I consider to be a waste of money? – How would I like to spend the hours of an entire free day with you? – How would I like to spend the hours of an entire free day without you?. .
These questions have been edited continually since I first drafted them for Sarah – many years ago.
You need not ‘report’ on any discussion, but I think it would be helpful to be accountable to someone that you have indeed been through each one. For my kids, I tried to give them one sheet at a time, and when they told me they were ready for another, I gave it to them.
I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to communicate, now and throughout your marriage. Take them seriously. I once asked a friend who used these “Did you not go through those questions?” She affirmed that they did. “Well how did this one get missed then? It’s pretty straight forward.” “I didn’t think it was that important. I didn’t think he was that serious about it.”
That’s not fair. Not being straight up and owning your words, not doing what you committed to do – not fair. If there are serious ‘issues’ with any of these questions, have those issues today, BEFORE you are married. If they cannot be resolved, it is best to learn that before you go to the alter.
I am loving my study of Jesus the Christby James Edward Talmage. I have read it before but its been a long time, and it is an excellent companion to my current study of the New Testament. In 1905, the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, requested Talmage to write the book that would later come to be known as Jesus the Christ. They requested he compile his lectures (as a professor of religion), into a book that could be widely available to church members and other readers. At the time, Talmage had many responsibilities with his church callings, his family, and his profession that kept him from starting the book but nearly ten years later, following another request from the First Presidency, he began in earnest writing Jesus the Christ. Such was the importance the First Presidency placed on the writing of this book, that they set aside space in the Salt Lake Temple for him to work uninterrupted and without the usual distractions of everyday life. Just under one year from starting it, Jesus the Christ was published in September 1915.
I am utterly amazed with every page that I read. Especially when I consider the conditions and time that Brother Talmage wrote. Writing in the world in which I live, I have at my fingertips, this computer – that I not only type on, but edit my own thoughts, and through which I can research almost any subject or printed work I desire. Most works on the life and ministry of the Saviour were written after Talmage’s time, though I am certain he had a few respected works that he read from. The most important sources of information however, were the scriptures themselves. and of course continual communion with the spirit of the Lord throughout the project. Clearly the fruits of his work were meant to be shared. It is my highest recommendation that everyone read it – at least once, hopefully several times. I promise that you will feel the spirit as you do, and that your testimony of Jesus the Christ will expand. You will refer back to the things you learn for many years to come.
What a joy it is for me to read it again with a few other women friends who are also reading in conjunction with their current study of the New Testament. We are taking turns reviewing chapters, and this chapter fell to me to share. In the interest of time (as I tend to be too wordy anyway) I chose to focus on Zacharias, as his story spoke to me.
My thoughts on chapter 7, the Annunciation of John and Jesus.
The story of the annunciation of the most important birth in the history of the world, and the annunciation of the forerunner that accompanies it, are in my opinion commonly skipped over, as to be almost a postscript of the Christmas story. We are all familiar with the stories. We could relate them briefly from memory: Gabriel visited the elderly priest Zacharias in the temple, and told him his prayers had been heard and that he and his wife Elisabeth would soon have a son. The angel told Zacharias that this boy would be great in the sight of the Lord, and that his name was to be John. We know that the priest was amazed to the point of doubting that such a thing was even possible, due to the age of he and his wife. He asked for a sign and was given one – that he would be dumb until the foretold events unfolded. And so it was.
We know that the same angel visited the young Mary a few months later, and gave her similar news. That she would conceive and bear a son whom she should name Jesus. We know that Mary was a virgin – which was integral to the story because no mortal man would be the father of this child. He would be the Son of God. Nothing doubting she willingly submitted herself completely, to her role in this wondrous plan. We know that the angel told her about her older cousin Elisabeth’s condition and that Mary went to visit her. We know that the two women, old and young – found solace in each other as they sorted out their respective roles. And then we get to the real event: Christmas story about the birth and the shepherds and the heavenly choir and the wisemen who came from the east. And we leave the annunciations to the side for another year, and another brief recounting.
I love that an entire chapter in JESUS THE CHRIST is devoted to fleshing out these two stories because in them lie truths and context that will aid us greatly in our understanding. Beginning with the story of Zacharias and Elisabeth, Elder Talmage explains that many generations had passed in Israel since any heavenly contact had been noted, even in the temple. In fact, the people had come almost to believe that those were things of the past and that there were no longer prophets in Israel. So it is not difficult to imagine the surprise, and even a healthy trepidation when Zacharias found himself no longer alone as he fulfilled his singular responsibilities in a part of the temple that was forbidden to everyone except for a chosen priest when called upon to be there. And even that priest would likely only be there once in his lifetime.
It may seem unnecessary but I believe it is important to Re-emphasize that Zacharias was a ‘good’ man. Such a good man that Luke described both he and his wife as “righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless“. I’d love to be described that way. Truly they “walked the covenant path” as we would say today. They had lived their lives out, never having been blessed with children – which no doubt was a great sorrow for them (for a number of reasons). The angel implied that that sorrow had been the subject of many a prayer on the part of Zacharias when he said “Fear not Zacharias; for thy prayer is heard; and thy wife Elisabeth shall bear thee a son, and thou shalt call his name John.” He further said that the couple would have joy and gladness and that many others as well “would rejoice at his birth, for he shall be great in the sight of the Lord, filled with the Holy Ghost, even from his mother’s womb.” The angel said that John will go before the Lord teaching, and making ready the people for the Lord.
This ‘forerunner’ had been prophesied by Old Testament prophets, just as the coming Messiah had been prophesied, and there is little doubt that Zacharias recognized the prediction of what the angel now referred to. And THIS is where we should remind ourselves how good a man Zacharias was, because he had a ‘weak moment’, and for that weak moment – that temporary lack of faith, he was severely chastised. Gabriel stood tall and let Zacharias know just who exactly he was speaking to. “I am GABRIEL, that stand in the presence of God; and am sent to speak unto thee, and to shew thee these glad tidings. And behold, thou shalt be dumb, and not able to speak, until the day that these things shall be performed, because thou believest not my words[!]” Take that Zack! That good and faithful man’s worst day was recorded for the rest of Christendom to reflect on for two thousand years. And sadly, it is the thing he became best known for. How would you like your worst moment – the one you regretted from the get-go, to be what you are immortalized for?
If John was foretold, and set apart before the world began for his great calling – as we believe those “noble and great ones” that Abraham spoke of were, then it was also known who his parents would be. Brigham Young said of Joseph Smith’s heritage “The Lord had his eyes upon him, and upon his father, and upon his father’s father, and upon their progenitors clear back to … Adam. He has watched that family and that blood as it has circulated from its fountain to the birth of that man.” John too, would have had chosen parentage, chosen and set apart for their respective roles and responsibilities. Zacharias was special and so was Elisabeth. Long before they knew they’d be the parents of the one who would introduce the Saviour of the world to humanity, it was known who they would be. Zacharias was no ordinary-joe; he was a noble servant of God, who ultimately gave his life protecting his son when Herod slew the innocents in and around the hills of Bethlehem. And yet, in a critical moment he hesitated / he doubted. No heavenly visitations recorded in Israel, no prophets speaking to Israel in over 500 years! That the first one in half a millennia would tell you something as unexpected as what Gabriel told that aged priest – who could blame him for doubting? Would we do any better?
Zacharias lived with that sad sign for nearly a year – unable to verbally communicate with anyone, including Elisabeth – about the wondrous-ness of what they were experiencing. Talmage refers to him as “highly blessed though sorely smitten”, the penalty for his doubt already operative before he left the temple, and in place till his tongue was loosened on the day of John’s circumcision when he burst forth in prophecy saying among other things “And thou, child, shalt be called the prophet of the Highest: for thou shalt go before the face of the Lord to prepare his ways; to give knowledge of salvation unto his people, by the remission of their sins, through the tender mercy of our God ….” Talmage said “The last words Zacharias had uttered prior to the infliction of dumbness, were words of doubt and unbelief, words in which he had called for a sign as proof of authority of one who came from the presence of the Almighty; the words with which he broke his long silence were words of praise unto God in whom he had ALL assurance …”
Yes, I think there may have been a little ‘shame’ in Zacharias having to live with the consequence of his doubt and challenge to the angel – so unbecoming of someone like himself. And yes, I think there might have been some tears as he confessed to Elisabeth why he had lost his power to speak. How could he not have felt it? But he was a better man than to wallow in it. He had learned a good lesson that I doubt he’d ever forget. He and Elisabeth had nine silent months to draw closer to God and to feel of His great love for them, and to marvel at the fact that they were about to have a son, and not just any son! It’s insightful to consider the humility that would naturally accompany the assignment to parent such a child! Such a privilege. Oh, I am SURE they knew they were loved and trusted – notwithstanding past mistakes.
There may be times in our lives when we’re not our best selves. Times when our faith wavers, when we doubt and question things we never thought we’d doubt or question. Or perhaps someone we love lets us down in the moment they should have done better. I believe Zacharias would have some counsel for us. I believe he would own his ‘moment’ and refer to it as the great lesson it was for him. I’d love to hear his counsel. I believe he would ask us to allow ourselves a little grace, and that he’d reassure us God never stops loving us – even when we have to live out some natural consequences of our actions. “Let God prevail” I think he would say. And surely God WILL prevail.
Thank you Zacharias for moving forward in faith. And for never wavering again. Thank you for telling your story so that Luke could write it down many years later. Thank you for being brave enough to let your weak moment be known, so that we could learn from it, and more understand the nature of God. Thank you for the important role you played in events that you never lived to see transpire. Thank you for living your life in such a way that God chose you to play that role.
Thank you Elisabeth for loving the man that he was, and for being patient in living with the consequence of his mistake, not your own. Thank you for being a true mother in Zion even when you despaired of ever having your own children, and for devoting the rest of your life to raising this one very special son.
Thank you Luke for being kind to Zacharias as you shared his story, and for emphasizing that notwithstanding what we were about to learn about him, he was an exceptionally good and obedient man, walking blameless before the Lord.
Thank you Brother Talmage for feeling a love for Zacharias, and for helping me to see him through a different lens.
I’d love to hear your thoughts Reader, on this great and humble figure in the New Testament – who would have lived his life out in obscurity except for the son he would sire. And of course his one weak moment.
Warmly,
Cindy Suelzle
*quote about Joseph Smith’s heritage found in Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young (1997), pg 96. *other quotes found in the chapter reviewed here
I have often wondered what it might have been like to live at the time of the Saviour, and to have been in His presence. I also wondered if I would have been among those who recognized Him for who and what he was. When describing the world He lived in, Robert Matthews spoke of “the spiritually barren and parched condition of a people led by proud and insistent Pharisees, [wealthy] and powerful Sadducees, exclusive rabbis and learned scribes, . . .” (Robert Matthews pg 84, BEHOLD THE MESSIAH)(1)
There were many who were in the presence of Christ while He lived on the earth, without recognizing Him. He simply wasn’t what they expected him to be. In John we read that “He was in the world and the world was made by Him and the world knew Him not. He came unto his own and his own received him not.” (John 1:10,11)
John the Baptist taught a group of Jewish leaders that the Messiah was not only already on the earth – but living and walking among them, and yet they had not recognized him. So it is fair and reasonable to wonder if we might be any different. And yet. . . . . . . There were those who DID recognize Him. They testified “we have found Him! We have found the Messiah!”
Andrew, Simon, Philip, and Nathanael were among the first who declared that. Simeon at the temple recognized him when he was only an infant. Anna at the temple recognized the baby in Mary’s arms. Elizabeth recognized him before he was born. The magi who travelled from the east knew who He was when they found him. The shepherds who were the very first to visit him knew who he was.
All of these people had two things in common – * THEY were SEEKING Him. They were familiar with the scriptures which spoke of Him, they knew the signs to watch for, they knew the time was at hand. And. They. Sought Him.
There is a difference between knowing the Saviour and knowing about him. We must first learn about Him it is true, and we can do that by reading or listening, but in order to KNOW him, *we must want to know him. *We must actively SEEK to know him. *We must obey his commandments. *And we must be given a spiritual witness from the Holy Ghost. Jesus Christ may only be known through Revelation.
If we had lived in Jerusalem and walked the same streets as did the Saviour, and saw him in the mortal flesh we would not have known that He was the Messiah unless the Holy spirit whispered it to our spirit. The same crucial witness that we require was required of them too. That witness of course, is personal revelation. (2)
So merely being in His presence does not mean FEELING THAT ONE IS IN THE PRESENCE OF CHRIST and vice versa – FEELING the presence of Christ, does not have to mean BEING in His physical presence. In fact, they couldn’t be more exclusive and independent.
There are days when I can truly say “I have found the Messiah!” – and my joy is so full that I literally cannot contain it. It leaks out my eyes. On those days there is nothing I’d rather do than be in His service and feel His arms around me, and I want to try my best to be a “window to His love”(4). Then there are other days when life gets busy and I lose myself in the temporal demands of my day, and although I don’t lose my way, I may not feel that same wonderful closeness that I yearn for.
In the Book of Mormon, the prophet Lehi shares a dream. In it he was led to a “Tree whose fruit was desirable to make one happy.” And he “did go forth and partook of the fruit thereof; and [he] beheld that it was most sweet, above all that [he] had ever before tasted. Yea, and [he] beheld that the fruit was white, to exceed all the whiteness that [he] had ever seen. And as [he] partook of the fruit thereof, it filled [his] soul with exceedingly great joy; wherefore [he] began to be desirous that [his] family should partake of it also, for [he] knew that it was desirable above all other fruit.” (1N 8:10-12)
We know from Nephi that the tree represented the love of God. Everyone has the love of God, because God loves us all. But not all of us can FEEL the love of God. What is the difference? Action. Our action. Lehi partook of the fruit of the tree – the fruit of the love of God. What is the fruit of the love of God? Apostle David Bednar says that the “fruit is a symbol for the blessings of the Atonement.“(5) And what is the Atonement? It is the sacrifice Jesus Christ made to help us overcome sin, adversity, and death. He paid the price for our sins, took upon Himself death and was resurrected. So as Lehi PARTOOK of the fruit of the tree, so must we PARTAKE OF THE BLESSINGS OF THE ATONEMENT.
David Bednar said “partaking of fruit of the tree represents the receiving of ordinances and covenants whereby the Atonement can become fully efficacious in our lives.” (4) The love of God is there. Just like the tree. You don’t have to do anything to make it real. It is what it is. Whether you know its there, whether you care if its there – makes no difference. It IS there. And the fruit – it is there too. But in order to benefit from the fruit, in order to taste it and to be nourished by it – one must partake of it. One must EAT it. Just like Lehi did.
Like many of you, I have felt His spirit. I have partaken of the blessings of the Atonement, received the ordinances and covenants that make the Atonement efficacious in my life – and it IS like the fruit Lehi described. He said that it “was desirable to make one happy, . . . . .” and that it “filled [his] soul with exceeding great joy”. When one feels that kind of joy, one really does think immediately of those we love. Like Lehi, we begin to “be desirous that our family should partake also“.
Lehi’s Vision of the Tree of Life by Robin Luch (6)
That must be what it feels like to be in the presence of Christ. I think that – because there is nothing else quite like it. Lehi described it as being more sweet than anything he had ever before tasted, with a whiteness that exceeded anything he had ever before seen, and that it was desirable above all else. Those are very vague attempts at description. It is as if it defies description. As if words just cannot convey. There are times when what we feel simply cannot be put into words. Those are the times, that feelings leak out of our eyes. At those times, we can say “ahhhhh, this is what I have heard about. No wonder they couldn’t describe it.”
It is my hope that we might all feel that feeling at some point. I absolutely know that we can. If we DESIRE to know Him. If we SEEK to know Him. And if we willingly PARTAKE of the fruit of His love.
Warmly,
Cindy Suelzle
footnotes
quote from Robert Matthews, pg 8 BEHOLD THE MESSIAH
…… that is a question every parent must come to terms with at some point early in their parenting. (part 1 of “to Santa or not to Santa”)
And its not a question to be taken lightly, because whatever you decide, it isn’t your right to wreck it for others’ who may choose a different path. For me, in our very first year of parenting it could be avoided. We had the only grandchildren on both sides, so the precedent hadn’t been established. We in fact, unintentionally – had the responsibility for establishing a precedent in both of our families. A place of considerable pressure for someone as young and idealistic as we were.
The dilemma I felt was that I wanted our children to love the Saviour and to recognize that Christmas was first and foremost about celebrating His birth, and to acknowledging the important part He played in our life. I felt that a celebration the magnitude of Christmas, could be justified just as well with or without Santa Claus. But on the other hand, I had many fond memories of Santa and didn’t want to deny my kids the wholesome magic that he brings with him. But still, Santa had overshadowed any feeling I might have had as a child for the Saviour. In fact in my early childhood, I had no knowledge of the birth of Jesus and its connection to Christmas. Nativities were not a part of our Christmas. Truth be told, I don’t believe they were a part of very many people’s Christmas in those days. I never saw one when I was a child, or a youth.
I successfully dodged that bullet for a few years, while our extended families, the grandparents and aunts and uncles stood a respectful distance away from Santa while allowing us the privilege of making that decision. Christmas of 1982 was the year I needed to jump off the fence and make a decision. Jacob was four and a half years old. Sarah was three and a half. They were going to have memories of this Christmas and it was time for me to make the choice: Was Santa going to be a part of our Christmas or not? The problem was, that I didn’t have a crystal ball and couldn’t tell how inviting Santa into our lives would impact our family long term. Dan wanted Santa. Our folks all wanted Santa. All our kids’ aunts and uncles wanted Santa. . . . . And there were other issues to consider. Like how to introduce him at this point?
Finally, I hit upon a plan. I discussed it with Dan and we had an important family council with our kids. It was time. We told them about the old man who lived at the north pole, who loved children. His delight in life we told them was to make children happy, and because of that, he spent his whole year building toys for them which he gave to them once a year on Christmas Eve. We held nothing back. We laid out for them the whole picture. The red suit and beard, the sleigh and reindeer, the elves, the list, …. everything. They were spell bound, wide eyed and enthralled. We told them that there was only one thing Santa loved more than children. He loved Jesus Christ. And he celebrated the birth of Jesus Christ by giving gifts and spreading good cheer because it made him so happy to do so, BUT his one fear and worry, was that children would get so excited about him and the presents, that they would forget about the “reason for the season” – the celebration of the birth of our Saviour.
His commitment was that if that happened in any house he normally visited, he would simply stop coming to that house. As long as the children remembered Jesus, and were grateful for Santa’s gifts then he would come every year for their whole lives. But if the children got too caught up in Santa and thought that Christmas was all about him and not about Jesus, he would stop coming to them. Of course, he might depend on us as parents to let him know how that was going. We told our kids that Dad and I thought they were big enough for us to invite Santa for Christmas – if of course, they wanted him to come. You won’t be surprised to know that they very much wanted him to come! And they promised that they would always remember the reason we celebrated Christmas, which was also the reason Santa did all his wonderful stuff.
The Spirit of Christmas by Greg Olson
That was it then. We officially invited Santa Claus into our Christmas the year of 1982. We were expecting our third child the next spring. It was time we moved on. I had some trepidation, but I was determined to monitor our Santa-meter and keep our Christmases in balance.
As it would happen, Santa Claus happened to be visiting our local shopping mall that Saturday and I asked the kids if they’d like to go see him. They had never seen him – or any likenesses of him, before then. It is wonderful, the control a parent has over the influence the world has on a four year old. Don’t we all wish we could protect them for a life time with the same care and attention we could when they were toddlers? We controlled what they saw on television, what they read and what they saw of the world. And until we were ready, I prevented any exposure they had to Santa Claus. We made preparations to go the very next day to see him.
As we stood in a long line of excited children, (another new experience for Jacob and Sarah, as I normally avoided crowds and malls) – I noted that Santa was asking kids what they wanted for Christmas. Yikes. I forgot about that important detail. Our kids did not know they could make gift requests. I coached them “Santa Claus may ask you what you want for Christmas. If he does, Jacob why don’t you tell him you’d like a covered wagon made out of wood with horses?” “Okay!” he readily agreed. “Sarah, how bout you ask him for a princess dress?” “Okay!” she joined. Whew. That wasn’t so hard. We got closer and Jacob and Sarah were very observant of all that was going on around them. I too watched the minutes unfold – this truly was a departure point for our little family, at least where the kind old man of Christmas was concerned. My kids were getting big enough that it was time for me to let some of the world into their lives – while I could still control the circumstances.
Finally, we were at the front of the line. Santa invited them to come near to him. I accompanied. He asked them if they had been good children. They assured him they had. As predicted, he asked them what they would like for Christmas. Jacob announced that he would like a toy covered wagon drawn by horses. Sarah told him she would like a princess dress (which bytheway, in 1982 was not the Disney princess dresses we’re so familiar with nowadays). Santa nodded and made mental note, then asked “What else would you like?” Oops. I hadn’t anticipated that one. “We don’t know.” Jacob confided “Our mom didn’t tell us that one yet.” Whew. Quick thinking Son. We said our good byes and received candy canes for our visit. Dad happily waited on the other side to hear about our experience.
It was a happy day for him and the kids. A bit traumatic for me, but happy nonetheless. Our family was growing up. And we had just taken a big step into a new world that could never be reversed. A tangible innocence was traded in that day, for another circumstance – another innocence that would carry us for several more years until our children were ready to make another transition: a coming-of-age discovery that Santa Claus would play a big part in. In fact, he was here to stay the rest of their lives – in one form or another.
(this is part 1 of our Santa story) I’d love to hear about how you made that important choice of inviting (or not inviting) Santa into your family’s lives.
Many years ago, I lost my punch bowl in a move. . . .
I mentioned it to my sister and asked her to keep her eye open for one if she came across a good deal. She phoned me one day to say “I found a punch bowl at a garage sale. I picked it up for you if you still want one. I paid five dollars for it. The only problem is that its blue.”
I paid her for it and it really was quite lovely – even though it was ‘blue’.
Who would make a blue punch bowl anyway? And why? It makes your red punch look brown.
Still, we used it when we had company. I would ask one of the kids to “go down and get the punch bowl“. It started out with twelve cups but sadly, one got broken. And the ladle is long since disappeared. But life happens right?
Some time later I happened to be browsing in an antique store and found the identical set. Priced at almost $400 Cdn. !!! Whoah! It is surprising how a little education can change one’s perspective.
When I thought it was worth five dollar I sent the kids to retrieve it, I let the kids wash it. Suddenly I was saying “Don’t touch the punch bowl! I will get it.” In actual fact it was an INDIANA CARNIVAL GLASS Blue Harvest Grape Punch bowl set. Popular when my grandmothers were setting up housekeeping, although neither of them had anything like it.
Even though it was the same punch bowl set, I became a little more invested in it. A little more stressed out about ‘the kids bringing it up stairs’. What if it dropped? What if …. heaven forbid, another cup got broken? Although I always take good care of things, I began to take especially good care of this punch bowl. I began washing it personally and carefully. I dried it personally and carefully. . . . . .
What made the difference? The punches I served in it still tasted the same, still a little strangely coloured because of the blue glass. The same. Outwardly nothing had changed. The only thing that had changed was one little piece of information that I hadn’t been aware of before. Information that had always been true – I just didn’t know about it. A detail that involved somebody else’s perspective. . . . . IT had not changed. I changed. My understanding changed. And that changed my behaviour.
It remains a good analogy to me of many things, but mostly to contemplate what I might be worth, considering the high price my Saviour paid for me. At some points in my life – I may have convinced myself I was only worth five dollars, and if that was true, then clearly I didn’t need nor deserve special care. But the fact is, someone paid a very high price for me – whether I understood it or not. Whether I even accepted it or not. That price was so great that it caused Him “to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit”. (D&C 19:18) His love for me was so great that He willingly took my name personally through the sacred temple of Gethsemane. I imagine Him gently washing my wounds and drying my tears. Personally. And carefully. Because my ‘worth’ to Him, is a very ‘Personal’ thing.
My punch bowl sits in an honoured place now. In my kitchen. Behind a glass door, where I see it often. And it speaks to me. Of mistaken identity. Of inherent value. Of Divine Nature. Of the sacred worth of souls. . . . .
I imagine myself – a Blue Indiana Carnival Glass punch bowl set. Sadly, one of my cups is broken, and my ladle is long since disappeared. . . .
