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the Last Time

I love the poem below. I hope you’ll take the time to read it. It’s spoken from the perspective of a young parent. I’ve been in that place and as a former young mom, the message is a very tender for me. In that young mom’s shoes, I was smart enough to never allow myself to wish any of those moments away. I wanted very much to feel them all and remember them all – knowing that though I couldn’t see it, or imagine what it would look like, the day would come that they’d all be gone.

But I am looking at life from a much different perspective now, and I’ve had so many last times. My heart aches for some of them, not because I wasted them by wishing them away, simply because they are gone. It has been my observation that spending one’s life being unhappy in our circumstances, leads to more of the same – because being happy is not a matter of circumstance, it is a CHOICE.

In my younger years, I never wanted to waste my life wishing things were different. I was self aware enough that I could either make them different, work toward that goal, or accept them by making the best of them. Those were my options. I found it much more satisfying to focus on appreciating the sacredness of each day and what I could learn by living it. Even so, my heart aches for many of those ‘last times’. How much worse would it be if I regretted wasting them by not appreciating them in the moment?

wake up to a new way of doing things

If Covid taught us anything those many months, it should be how quickly life as we know it could be over. No one had the crystal ball to know how long our covid-affected circumstances would last. How long before we could go back to ‘normal’ – a week? a month? how many months? In actual truth, in many ways we never did return to normal. What would we have thought then, if we knew that in many ways we’d be inventing a new normal?

And why risk losing your present by pining away for all those potential last times? . . .

I don’t pretend to be a great philosopher, and I certainly don’t know what the “secret to life” is. But I believe that part of that secret is to be PRESENT, living in each moment. Enjoying each season while we’re in it. Finding ways to reach out and make someone’s world a little better for us having been in it. Never wishing any moment away, because life is so full of last times – not just with our babies but with everything and every one.

The last time we hugged our mom.
The last time we said “goodnight, sleep tight” to her.
The last time we had dinner with our cousin.
The last time we went to the farmers market.
The last time we planted a garden.
The last batch of jam we made to give away.
The last time we laughed with our niece, played go fish with our grandson, pack a lunch for our spouse, even the last time we vacuumed our own floor, or hung laundry on the line. The last time we help a neighbour, chat with that special friend, smile at a passerby, …. made someone’s day better.
The last time we flew anywhere? The last time we drove ourself?
That last book we read. Who knew it would be the last one?
The last time that grandchild came for a sleepover. Who knew it would be the last one?
The last time we held hands. Who knew?

Life changes on a dime – with no notice. Last times stack up, and they’re often in disguise. We never recognize them till they’re long gone. I’d love for all of my last times (whether pleasant ones or unpleasant ones), to be with me ‘experiencing them’, enjoying them, or learning from them, so that I could look back and think “I’m sure glad I did that when I did, who knew it would be my last time?” Life is by nature, bound to be full of regrets. I hope when my days get shorter, to have many more “glad-I-did-thats” than “wish-I-did-thats”.

The Last Time

“From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before,
When you have freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.

You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Diaper changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.

But don’t forget …
There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed your baby for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.

One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.

One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus” and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize.

So while you are living in these times,
remember there are only so many of them
and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.
For one last time.
author not confirmed, but possibly Taryn McLean

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Warmly,

Cindy Suelzle

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Community CONNECTIONS – good neighbours are an important resource

I think we might agree that Sesame Street was a great neighbourhood to live in; even Oscar was endearing.  But a good neighbourhood doesn’t have to be fictional.  A neighbourhood is made of real people like you and me.  And yes, each one may even have an Oscar, and its even possible he or she may not want to ‘partake’ of whatever you’re offering.  That’s okay.  He can do him, but that doesn’t mean others can’t enjoy the spirit of ‘community and neighbourliness with or without him. 

Sometimes people really do come together in an emergency or crises, but the better time to start building those relationships is long before – simply by BEING a good neighbour.  How do you do that? 

Here are 8 keys to being a good neighbour

1. Look UP. 
It’s not that hard – simply look up, open your eyes and notice things.  See people coming and going.  Say hello or at least give a wave.  You’re more likely to notice little details with your eyes open and a caring heart.  Perhaps someone could use a wave, or a smile, or a hand, or maybe something more.  Chat a bit in the driveway from time to time.  Chat in the front yard.  Chat with the neighbour down the street when you’re walking the dog. 

2. Smile.
It cannot be overstated – a smile really will make someone’s day better, and yours too. 

3.  Be kind.
Something so simple can really make all the difference.

4. Lend a hand.  Could they use a hand bringing some groceries to the door?  Would it really put you out if you pitched in?  What about offering to mow their lawn when they go away? 
What about bringing over a quart of homemade soup when you hear someone’s not feeling well?  A loaf of fresh bread?  When you’re shoveling your sidewalk, how difficult would it be to simply go a little further and shovel your neighbour’s.   

5. Be tolerant.  Not everyone’s gonna do things that way you do.  Your neighbour may have young kids when you don’t, that may mean more noise than you make.  Cool your jets, they won’t stay kids forever.  Your patience with bikes all over the front yard and kids shooting baskets in your driveway will go a long way.  Kids grow up, and those days will end.  It’s a lot easier for your neighbours to be tolerant of you and yours if you extend the same courtesy.  Learn to laugh it off – that’s where funny memories are born. 

6. Invite
Invite them over to sit around a backyard fire.  Invite them for dinner.  Invite them to go for a walk. Host a neighbourhood party. 

7. Work together.

Many years ago Dan decided it would be a helpful thing to have a snow blower, we live in a crescent and the snow plows rarely come into crescents.  But the half dozen times we might use it in a year hardly seemed worth the price.  But IF we could share that cost with others . . . he spoke with some neighbours, and four of us bought one together – with a few simple ground rules.  Still using it.  Still a good experience. 

The border between our front lawn and our neighbours front lawn is vague – so for nearly the whole time we’ve lived here, whoever mows the lawn – mows both.  Such a simple service – takes an extra five minutes, and both of us always have a mowed front lawn. When I do for walks and see front lawns with an obvious mowed border, I am always surprised. Such a small effort to make both yards look nicer and extend that hand of friendship and service.

8. Keep your house and yard neat and tidy.  No one wants to live beside or across from a slob.  It is respectful to your neighbours to take care of your property.  When we first moved back to the city many years ago, for Dan to go back to school – we lived in subsidized housing. As soon as the snow melted, we dug our small area of dirt in a sunny spot and planted flowers, some herbs and even a few tomatoes. We lived there for three summers and though we were the only ones that first summer to do so, I noticed that the following summer some of our neighbours planted flowers, and the next year even more did.

Good neighbourhoods don’t just ‘happen’

My husband’s parents lived in a little house in a nice little neighbourhood.  They pretty much stuck to themselves, didn’t much care to get to know their neighbours.   They weren’t rude, they kept their yard tidy.  But they never reached out.  They never offered to lend a hand.  They just did what they did and minded their own business.  In time they got older and needed some help.  We drove an hour one way to mow their lawn when they couldn’t, to rototill their garden, and to do all sorts of little things that we were happy to help them with, but were too far away to be help on the day to day.  I marveled that there wasn’t a single nearby friend, church member, or neighbour that we maybe could have asked for a hand once in a while.   But their wasn’t.  After almost 40 years of living in and around that same general area, there wasn’t anyone they felt comfortable asking a favour of.  Why?  Because they weren’t really “good neighbours” themselves.  

Good neighbourhoods just don’t happen on their own.  They’re not magic like that.
Being a good neighbour is the building block of a good and friendly neighbourhood.  That doesn’t mean we have to all be the same, just be nice. 
Good neighbours watch out for each other. 
Good neighbours keep an eye on each other’s property when they’re away.
Good neighbours care about each other.
When emergencies happen, good neighbours pitch in and help each other through it, and THEREIN LIES THE KEY TO THIS CONVERSATION. 

You cannot live in a ‘good’ neighbourhood if you’re not a good neighbour.  It doesn’t work that way.  And you may think you don’t need your neighbours – until you fall on your icy sidewalk, or someone breaks into your house, or your spouse has a heart attack, or your house is on fire,
 . . . . or when any number of other reasonable and perfectly normal scenarios happen. 

Being a good neighbour is important for everyone because it makes good neighbourhoods. 
It means safety, a sense of belonging, a helping hand, purpose, charity, empathy and friendship.  It takes TIME, investment, kindness, charity, empathy and friendship.    

Share Your Ideas:

I’d love to hear your thoughts about how having strong community connections helps us, and ways you might make neighbourhood a better place. After all, WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

Now is the time to extend the hand of friendship to our neighbours – and yes, I even mean the ‘Oscar’ on your street. We can start with those who live on either side of us. If we don’t know their names yet, LEARN their names and two facts about them. Then reach out to those on the other side of each of them, and those across from us. Learn THEIR names and two facts about them. Make it a game to accomplish these goals, and then continue on with those on the other side of them, and so on.

Warmly,

Cindy Suelzle