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the cost of a good neighbour and rewriting our story

an interesting memory popped up in my facebook profile today . . . and it caused me to reflect on how things could have been

June 12, 2010 early in the morning, I was suddenly awakened by a crashing sound outside in our backyard, and then silence. I looked out the window and couldn’t see anything until it occurred to me that I should be seeing a fence where I wasn’t. I watched the car who had backed into a panel of our fence and knocked it down, pull forward, and pull into the garage. The door shut.

With some incredulousness I told Dan “Someone just knocked our fence down.” He joined me at the window. I said “It was our neighbour. She just pulled into the garage.”
We went outside and took a closer look. It was a Friday. We had a dog, so going the day without a fence wasn’t gonna work. Dan took the day off, went to Home Depot and spent the morning fixing it. He said it really wasn’t that bad.

Before I left for the store, I posted the following in facebook ….

“our neighbour across the alley just backed into our fence, knocked out several boards and knocked down the huge stack of firewood we had lined up against it onto several perineal plants in their path, and then quietly drove back into their garage and shut the door (while I watched from the window). … ”

Several people responded to my post; my daughter’s response (she knows her mom) was:

“firewood . . . fence . . . whatever. Plants! Boy are they in trouble!”

Some time in the morning, after I had left for work, Dan went over to talk to the neighbour. His wife was just driving away as he got there. The neighbour apologized. His wife had had some distress and was on her way to a doctor’s appointment. I do not remember what the story was, not even sure we heard it, but I know there was one. And clearly it was an accident; the kind of accident that your newly driving teenager might have. As the parent of that newly driving teenager, there would be a list of things one might do, including having the kid own it, and share some responsibility for paying for and repairing the damage.

That evening, after I was home from work, our lady neighbour came over to apologize. Dan had been able to stay home during the day to fix the fence. We introduced ourselves, had a good visit, no hard feelings. She offered to pay for the material, but Dan declined – saying it hadn’t been that expensive of a fix. Thank goodness the hit was between posts so they weren’t jeopardized. She promised him a jar of pickled beets for his trouble.

Good way to meet your neighbours and to make a few new friends. Even if you don’t like pickled beets – which Dan doesn’t LOL.

I recall being contemplative for many months when I looked back and considered the events of that day. Who knows what goes on in someone’s mind? What the backstory of any particular event might be? What they were dealing with? It wasn’t a tragedy. No one got hurt. There was no point in losing our minds over it. And within 24 hours, it was as if it hadn’t happened – except that we had a jar of pickled beets in the fridge. But today as that memory showed up on facebook, I reflected on it again. We have been here in this house for 26 years and have never really had too many interchanges with those neighbours across the alley. I cannot even tell you what they look like, not sure we’d recognize one another at the grocery store. Though I have spent more than a few hours working in the alley behind our fence over the years, we’ve seldom run into each other.

What a tragedy it could have been if we had had a bad interchange that day. If we had allowed such a minor incident to be the excuse to not behave kindly, it could have initiated bad feelings between us for years – which is sad to contemplate. To be fair, we were busy and preoccupied raising our five kids during those years, managing our bookstore and Dan’s business, serving in church, and involved with our respective families and aging parents. We didn’t have a whole lotta time to reach out to neighbours we rarely saw anyway. But what if our only interaction with them had been unpleasant? What if it had involved harsh words of judgement and anger? Those things are difficult to come back from.

What if she couldn’t muster up the courage to come over and apologize? Would that have made a difference? Sometimes people justify not being able to let things go because they didn’t receive an appropriate apology – effectively shifting control of their own life choices to someone else. Would we have had a harder time letting it go?
What if the damage had been greater? More expensive? What if Dan wasn’t able to fix it and we had to hire someone? What if? What if?

Hard to say what would have transpired if some of those ‘what ifs’ had taken place instead of what actually did. But I truly believe – from our part, it wouldn’t have amounted to a hill of beans. It may have taken a little more time to repair, perhaps even a little more money, but it too would have faded into the past.

But what IF when Dan went over that morning, he had been angry? What if he had been confrontational? What if our neighbour had felt challenged by his actions or words? What if he had responded poorly? Could anyone blame our lady neighbour then, if she couldn’t bring herself to knock on our door later that day? And then what? Would we have resented her lack of follow up? How differently our actions that day could have made the outcome. What if we had insisted they pay for it? Insisted that they fix it? I’m sure they would have – it would have been the right thing for them to do – BUT . . . .

But we would have missed the opportunity to have had good feelings between us.
. . . . we would have allowed a little incident to become bigger than it deserved to be.
. . . . we would have disliked them and given them reason to dislike us.
All these years later when we didn’t have reason or opportunity to interact, we could have blamed on that day.

I do regret not having or taking the time to be a better neighbour to them. We went to a garage sale there a couple years ago, where Dan bought the wagon he fixed up for me, and that I use all summer long to walk to and from the community garden with my plants and tools. We learned that her husband had passed away during Covid. A missed opportunity to bring over a meal and some flowers, and expressed caring – had we known.

I’ve had times in my life when I’ve been harsh, when I’ve said things I felt justified in, but that I later regretted. Those times are heavy to me. They undoubtedly affected someone else’s day, and have influenced their feelings toward me and perhaps even about themselves. Some of them I can perhaps still alter, but most are lost opportunities.

I feel impressed today to pay more attention to interactions I have with others – no matter how brief. To make sure that when I come to those forks, I take the kinder, gentler road; that I don’t leave this earth with any more regrets than I currently carry. If I may, I suggest we all pay more attention to our interactions with others. In the end, the person they will benefit the most will likely be ourselves.

Its time to change my story – before it’s too late. We all can be better neighbours. We can make better stories than a fence, a wood pile and a jar of pickled beets.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments, and maybe even your experiences and suggestions.

Warmly,

Cindy Suelzle

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A Fence or an Ambulance

This insightful parable of prevention may seem particularly befitting for our day, but surprisingly it was written over a century ago by a British temperance champion named Joseph Malins. It is a beautiful way of saying “Better safe than Sorry”, and it resonates deeply with me. In the interest of not wanting to curb someone’s personal choice, and to be politically correct, sometimes we shy away from simply say what needs to be said. Let’s face it, staying away from potential trouble often prevents trouble. I am grateful we have the ability to correct our mistakes, and I would never want to undermine the value of repentance and forgiveness, but truthfully, we can never undo what we did, and we cannot escape the natural consequences of our actions. What if we simply didn’t take the course to begin with?

” ‘Twas a dangerous cliff, as they freely confessed, though to walk near its crest was so pleasant;
But over its terrible edge there had slipped a duke and full many a peasant.
So the people said something would have to be done, but their projects did not at all tally;
Some said, “Put a fence ’round the edge of the cliff,” some, “An ambulance down in the valley.”

sometimes it takes stepping away and getting a better perspective to see the bigger picture and the very real danger

But the cry for the ambulance carried the day, for it spread through the neighboring city;
A fence may be useful or not, it is true, but each heart became full of pity
For those who slipped over the dangerous cliff; and the dwellers in highway and alley
Gave pounds and gave pence, not to put up a fence, but an ambulance down in the valley.

“For the cliff is all right, if you’re careful,” they said, “and, if folks even slip and are dropping,
It isn’t the slipping that hurts them so much as the shock down below when they’re stopping.”
So day after day, as these mishaps occurred, quick forth would those rescuers sally
To pick up the victims who fell off the cliff, with their ambulance down in the valley.

Then an old sage remarked: “It’s a marvel to me that people give far more attention
To repairing results than to stopping the cause, when they’d much better aim at prevention.
Let us stop at its source all this mischief,” cried he, “Come, neighbors and friends, let us rally;
If the cliff we will fence, we might almost dispense with the ambulance down in the valley.”

“Oh he’s a fanatic,” the others rejoined, “Dispense with the ambulance? Never!
He’d dispense with all charities, too, if he could; No! No! We’ll support them forever.
Aren’t we picking up folks just as fast as they fall? And shall this man dictate to us? Shall he?
Why should people of sense stop to put up a fence while the ambulance works in the valley?“

But the sensible few, who are practical too, will not bear with such nonsense much longer;
They believe that prevention is better than cure, and their party will soon be the stronger.
Encourage them then, with your purse, voice, and pen, and while other philanthropists dally,
They will scorn all pretense, and put up a stout fence on the cliff that hangs over the valley.

Better guide well the young than reclaim them when old, for the voice of true wisdom is calling.
“To rescue the fallen is good, but ’tis best to prevent other people from falling.”
Better close up the source of temptation and crime than deliver from dungeon or galley;
Better put a strong fence ’round the top of the cliff than an ambulance down in the valley.“

— Joseph Malins (1895) 

yeah, sometimes . . . . . . I guess we simply have to own it

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Prevention or Cure?

warmly,

Cindy Suelzle