It’s about choosing your life partner with eyes WIDE OPEN – because getting married is NO SMALL THING!
This post may seem quite a departure from what I usually write about, but in actual fact, if anything – it is foundational for our family. I am posting it, because I’ve had so many requests for the information that it made sense to have it accessible this way instead of printing it off every time. And in actual fact, it is a living document – meaning it gets amended from time to time as life and circumstances dictate. Sometimes I am reminded of another ‘question’ that should be addressed, so I add it.
When we were engaged Dan and I lived in different cities, and consequently spent many hours on the phone and on the highway. Talking. We talked about important things. We talked about dumb things – some of which turned out to be more important than we expected. We talked about who and where we came from, our goals and aspirations, our values and priorities, traditions and parenting styles we admired, our religious beliefs, things that made us laugh and tick, and our “non-negotiables“. We talked about WHY we wanted to get married and what we expected out of marriage. We found common ground and we ironed out differences. We made promises to each other about things we’d do and things we’d never do.
Years later I was repeatedly amazed at how glad I was for those long uninterrupted conversations. They weren’t always fun bytheway, some led to hurt feelings and there were tears, and some became arguments of ideals. But they set the ground work for the next 40+ years. Many of those commitments we made still stand as absolutes in our life.
I had assumed that everyone had those conversations before they married and came to eventual common ground on important issues, OR decided there was not enough common ground and parted. I was shocked to hear from friends married decades who still had disagreements about things as basic as how to give gifts and how to celebrate Christmas. I asked one of my friends how it was that they hadn’t worked that out before they were married. She said they never thought about it. Plain and simply – it never occurred to them to discuss those things then and now years later, they still don’t. They just muscle through them when necessary and try to minimize the resulting misunderstanding and hurt. Till the next time it comes up.
When my daughter became engaged I wondered when she and her fiancée would find the time to talk about all these things. I worried about what would happen if they didn’t.
I drafted up a list of questions that I was glad Dan and I had addressed when we did, and some that came up later that I wished we had.
I called the list – Engagement Questions because I couldn’t think of anything more clever or creative. The idea behind them was to take as little baggage to the alter as possible. I’ve added to and amended the list many times since then and have given it to all my children, nieces and nephews, friends and anyone else who asked for it. Now I’m giving it to my grandkids. And now you.
My daughter and her fiancée didn’t get married bytheway. They realized they couldn’t resolve some pretty important differences. Yes it was heartbreaking when they ended their relationship, but much easier before the alter than after. One son and his fiancée also chose not to get married with another heartbreak. Those are hard things to go through, I know. But getting married is serious business, and deserves serious preparation. I am happy to say that since then, both of them found their eternal companions that they built a life together with.
Too often more time, energy and means are dedicated to preparing for the wedding than for the marriage. In actual fact, when it comes right down to it, how much do the wedding details matter later (the grand reception, the gifts received, the honeymoon or even the guests), when compared to the marriage? One day compared to the rest of your life, and in my religious beliefs – marriages can be eternal. That’s a long time. Most of us can prepare BETTER for marriage than we do. In fact it is critical that we do.
I highly recommend these kinds of conversations.
it began with our story
During our courting year, we lived almost four hours apart by car. I was in grade 12 and living on the air base in Cold Lake Alberta. Dan lived in Edmonton. We met two years earlier at my sister’s wedding, just weeks before my family moved back up to Cold Lake – my dad being transferred there. I stayed in Edmonton for another couple weeks till the end of summer, completing my commitment to babysit for some family friends.
Dan and I dated casually, knowing that I was leaving, but we were too young and the distance was too much for any lasting relationship. We stayed in touch from time to time the old fashioned way – letters, and he even drove up to see me once or twice, and I saw him a time or two when I came to Edmonton over the next two years. Then one day on a whim, on my way home from spending the summer in Vancouver with my sister and her husband, I phoned him and we reconnected in a new way. I was 17 years old and just going into my final year of high school. Dan was 21. I know, both still so young. Kids really.
Two weeks later Dan came to Cold Lake to see me on a Saturday. We went on a picnic at one of the beautiful lakes in the area, and after that, we spoke regularly. He came to see me every weekend, arriving Friday, staying till Sunday. I spent Sunday mornings at church, so he joined me. Only weeks into our renewed relationship, he proposed and I accepted, beginning a long distance courtship that involved lots of time on the phone, letters and weekend visits while I finished high school. We also spent lots of hours on the highway between our two families that year which allowed for a lot of time to ‘talk’.
Four driving hours each way – and radio reception was sketchy at best, so we talked. About everything. I was young, energetic, creative and very idealistic. I was exploring my religion attending seminary every weekday morning and church every Sunday, anxious to go into the world after graduating and make it a better place. He was more pragmatic and down to earth. We talked about our families and backgrounds, our personal histories and experiences, our religious beliefs and personal values, and our aspirations for the future. We talked about our individual family circumstances, relationships, habits and traditions, the things we liked about our upbringings and the things we’d change in our own future family. We talked about music and literature. We talked about extended family and our relationship with them; I had cousins by the dozens, he had nine. I didn’t know there were people in the world with so few cousins and he couldn’t believe I knew all my cousin’s names let alone had meaningful memories of them all. I loved all my aunts and uncles, he hardly knew his. We talked about traditions, and the ways our families celebrated holidays like Christmas. His family teased and poked fun – my family could not be teased and poking fun was hurtful. Because he was with us every weekend, he saw my family in all their colours: the good, the bad and the ugly. I saw his family to a lesser degree but we both understood that we were products of where we came from.
Although from the outside looking in, we appeared very similar and perhaps even an easy match – over the course of these long car-ride discussions, we discovered many differences between us. Yes, for all intents and purposes, we came from similar cultural backgrounds, we were both ‘Christian’, and we had even both grown up on military bases in military homes. But our experiences and viewpoints on important things were very different. Neither of our families were religiously inclined, but I was, and was becoming ever more so as I got older. This created many more differences in our individual views of the world and our futures, particularly our combined prospective ‘future’.
How grateful I am for those long conversations. There was hardly a single piece of music we both enjoyed, but through it all – we found shared core values that were strengthening, and mutual respect for each other, including for our differences. We agreed on important ways to navigate our life together, and we made commitments toward certain courses of action we would take. We promised to never speak ill of each other, never to raise our voices to each other, speak in anger, swear or be abusive. We promised to be united in parenting, and to never argue in front of our future children. We promised to work out our differences privately and to always present a united front to our children. We promised to keep the ‘word of wisdom’ which is to avoid alcohol, tobacco and other harmful substances.
I am not going to pretend that life has been a bowl of cherries, or that we didn’t continue to find differences after we were married, or that we were perfectly obedient to the commitments we’d made in those long car rides. But I am going to say those conversations became foundational and helped us understand each other. We referred back to those commitments we made over and over again as we navigated married life for many years after. And that is the whole point. There will always be differences that we have to figure out, and curve balls we didn’t see coming, but doesn’t it sound like a good idea to minimize those as much as possible in the months preceding the wedding? I mean how much time do couples spend creating a gift registry? Or the details of their wedding? I assumed all married couples had that same experience of ‘learning’ about each other and how best to put two lives together, but I’ve been amazed over the years to discover many did not.
Flash forward many years, when our daughter became engaged and it occurred to me that she and her new fiancée didn’t have long hours of driving to talk about everything that ‘mattered’. When would they have those discussions with all the distractions they had? I worried about all those inevitable ‘differences’ and when they would be sorted out. We all have baggage when we enter a new relationship, but wasn’t the point to start life together by taking as few ‘bags’ to the alter as possible?
I thought about all the things Dan and I had talked about as we got to know each other. I thought about the commitments we made to each other based on those discussions, and in particular, those commitments that had sustained us through rough times.
I started writing some of them down, and the list grew from what we had discussed and found helpful, to things that I wish we’d known enough to discuss and which may have been helpful. This is that list. It has evolved and been amended many times over the years as the need arose. For all intents and purposes as mentioned, it has become a living, breathing document. It was given to each of my children in their courting months, and offered to all of my nieces and nephews and even my grandchildren. I hope that it has been of value to them – I believe it has, to the degree that it was taken seriously. Perhaps it might be of value to you or someone you love who is beginning a marriage.
the list
This list of questions is intended to be the beginning of ongoing dialogue between couples who are seriously dating toward marriage. Ultimately, its purpose is to increase understanding and mutual respect between you both and to prevent the bringing of unnecessary problems and differences to the marriage alter.
Please go through them together, in the order that they are presented as they are designed to progress one section per week, from Temporal to Spiritual. Take your time, don’t rush through them. Don’t delude yourselves into believing these things won’t matter in the future, or that they’ll simply resolve themselves or disappear. That’s taking a pretty big risk.
You may discover one or two questions are repeated – this is not an accident. It is intended that the question be considered from a different perspective. Perhaps in your discussions, you might realize you have new insight. It is not necessary for you both to agree on everything or to attach equal importance to everything. How could that even be possible? Siblings don’t agree on everything and they were raised by the same parents in the same house. What matters is that whether you agree or not, you respect the other’s viewpoint. Sometimes that’s all you can do, and then simply go forward.
Often times what is important to one, is not so important to the other. In our case that happened a lot, so we agreed that if one partner didn’t really care about an issue, it was easy to defer to the one who felt strongly. For instance, it was important to Dan to use good “table manners”. He was particular about what that table etiquette was. As a youth he had admired a friend’s family’s dedication to this simple and respectful habit and he decided then that he wanted that in his future family. It was important to him to have a proper table set for every meal. None of this grabbing a bowl and a comic book and scarfing down your meal. I didn’t have strong feelings about it one way or the other, but I could see it was important to him. I agreed that we would always do that, especially once our kids came along. When they did, Dan often travelled for work during the week, so there were frequent meals when he wasn’t present. I faithfully set the table and taught table etiquette whether he was there or not. Over the years, it became more important to me as well, and when our kids grew into young adults and found themselves in various social situations, they were confident and comfortable in every circumstance. I was always grateful that had become part of our life. It is far more common in our household for me to have strong feelings about the way things should be done. Dan is generally more easy going and laissez faire about most things, so I’ll admit – we generally lean to the way I like things done.
WARNING: I have spoken to some who felt that answering the “right” way would win them brownie points, and that “if I didn’t say that [he/she] wouldn’t have married me“. That is so wrong! On every single level its ‘wrong’. And it’s a set up for disaster – which I have seen play out. Trust is one of the most basic foundational elements of a happy marriage. By misrepresenting yourself in discussing these questions, you not only show yourself as a person void of self confidence (that you couldn’t be straightforward), but much worse, you violate TRUST. Self confidence can improve over time in a loving relationship, but starting marriage out on a bed of lies, is to trample what should be sacred to all marriage partners – Trust. You owe it to yourself, your potential partner and your future families to be open, upfront and honest from the beginning, and to be SAFE for your partner to be just as open and honest. You are in a HEALTHY relationship when you can express your deep feelings even if they differ from your partners. The stakes are too high to be anything less.
Having said that – I concur with psychologist, marriage counsellor and author Doug Brinley when he expressed the view point that any civilized society must allow divorce – the alternative is unthinkable. However, “commitment” is a pretty important factor in marriage that can outlast most other things. It’s entirely possible that at some point years down the road, you may go for a time when you wonder if you still love each other. Commitment will get you through that. If you’re not willing to commit to ‘commitment’, then perhaps you are not ready to marry.
Temporal
1. Finances: Money, and the use of it, is unavoidably part of our everyday lives and is one of the biggest causes for contention, arguments, and divorce.
– What is my / your / our – commitment toward TITHING? What is my / your testimony regarding this important commandment? What do I pay tithing based on – the gross or the net? How do I determine that? How strict am I in my obedience? We know that tithing is a principle with a promise. What promise? What blessings do I expect in return for my obedience? Is it wrong to expect a blessing when I am obedient to the principle upon which it is founded?
– Who will handle the day-to-day finances?
– What are our long term financial goals?
– What sacrifices are we prepared to make to reach those goals?
– What are our financial goals for the next year? For the next five years?
– What kind of a budget will we set up? What kind of commitment will we have to it?
– How will we pay for dentist bills? Eye glasses? Prescriptions? Car repairs? Emergency purchases like a new furnace? New fridge?
– How will we make large purchases?
– The strong counsel of the church has always been to stay out of unnecessary debt. What would constitute unnecessary debt? What is debt justified for?
– How do I personally / you personally / we – feel about debt? What commitment do we have to adhering to the counsel of prophets on this important subject?
– What purchases would we consider going into debt for?
– Credit cards are a valuable tool in our world. They are also the vehicle for a terrible form of bondage. In what ways is this true? What is my commitment toward the use of credit cards? What am I willing to do without in order to keep that commitment?
– How will we fit gifts into our budget? For each other? For others? How will we plan to pay for Christmas?
– What is normal in my family / your family – regarding gift giving? What is tradition? What do I / you want to continue? What adjustments are we willing to make in order to be unified in this area?
– Regarding gifts, does equal mean ‘the same’ / identical? Do we need to provide the ‘same’ way in order to provide equally? Do we need to spend the ‘same’ in all things in order to be equal? Do our individual needs, need to be ‘the same’ in order to be of equal importance?
– Keeping in mind that we come from two entirely different backgrounds, what is important to one family, may not be important (or even meaningful) to the other. If one family has never done something before, and has no expectation of it, how necessary is it to begin doing it, simply to keep things ‘equal’ between our two families? What examples can we think of that this might apply to? What can we do to avoid this being a contentious issue? What changes or compromises do I/you/we feel are important to make so that we bring the best of both our upbringings to this area, and so that we are both comfortable?
– What things, or in what areas do I/you personally consider important enough to spend money that may not be an area others would consider important? What do I/you consider unimportant? What do I/you consider a waste of money? What would I/you really have a problem justifying spending money on?
– What do I consider fair in the way of financial accountability to each other, and what do I consider over the top and being too controlling or too controlled?
– There is a big difference between the financial struggle that accompanies shared goals, effort, sacrifice and growth, and when that ‘struggle’ morphs into feelings of helplessness and even despair. Although uncomfortable, struggle and growth are healthy and good. But there is no peace in debt. Living beyond our means soon enough causes distress. Financial distress causes despair. In what ways is despair different than struggle? How will we be able to tell the difference? What will we do if somehow, we have allowed ourselves to get into a financial situation that causes despair? What measures will we take to rescue ourselves?
– What commitment do we make to stand on our own two feet as a new family?
– At what point do we go to our families and ask for help? How do we avoid or prevent ourselves from asking for help too frequently and expecting someone else to repeatedly rescue us from poor choices we’ve made? Who will we feel comfortable asking for help? When do we ask for help? And what arrangements do we make to repay that help?
– How important is it to share our good fortune with others? What obligation should we feel toward being charitable? What does charity mean to me/you? Is giving without sacrifice really charity? What sacrifices are we willing to make to help another in need?
2. Careers:
no matter what your career choices, making a living and your personal satisfaction in it is a foundational part of your life together.
What are his or her long range career goals?
Where does he or she realistically expect to be career-wise in one year? Five years? Ten years?
What effort will be required to achieve these goals?
What sacrifices are we prepared to make to accomplish these goals?
What skills will we have acquired sufficiently and have enough experience in, to fall back on if or when an additional wage is needed?
What are we willing to do to ensure that she or he has an additional marketable skill?
Will she work after children come into the family?
What are our feelings about mom being in the home? What are our family backgrounds in this area? What are each of our personal priorities? How has my/your attitude and commitment been influenced by the experiences and priorities we grew up with?
How important is it to me that our children have a mom home fulltime? And for how long? How important is it to you?
The Proclamation on the Family states: “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.”
How important is it to us that we are in line with this or any other prophetic counsel?
What adjustments in our attitudes and perspectives do we need to make to be reconciled with this prophetic counsel?
What are we willing to sacrifice to achieve this?
3. Family roles and household responsibilities:
In marriage – little things are BIG things. I am convinced it is important to have roles established. Roles are important, they create structure.
For instance: in our marriage, the house has always been MY responsibility although Dan is quick to help whenever it was needed. Providing financially has always been Dan’s responsibility, but I have always done whatever possible to help ease the burden while still maintaining a strong presence in the home. Cars and the lawns have always been Dan’s domain, while gardening has always been mine, although we’ve both chipped in when needed. Dan does the heavy work, I do the ‘fiddley’ work. Dan enjoys barbequing (as did my dad), I enjoy indoor cooking. Dan wants meat so he, for the most part cooks it, otherwise we would be eating much less of it. Those were our established ‘roles’, that we ourselves chose and were comfortable with. At times however, necessity demanded that we adjusted – sometimes dramatically for a time. Like when we bought the store – and I managed it for the twenty years we owned it. That was an ‘adjustment’, sometimes even a painful adjustment, but it was not a permanent reversal of roles. When the need abated, former rolls fell back into place. – Cindy Suelzle
What are your priorities in the area of roles and expectations? In our house, we refer to “The Proclamation on the Family” for guidance. “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation..” 1
– How will the chores be divided up? How will they differ or adjust if or when ‘she’ quits work to nurture children? Or continues working?
– Who will take responsibility for what area?
– What are our role definitions?
– What are our role expectations?
– What skills do I need to acquire or improve upon to be a better wife/mother/nurturer?
– What skills do I need to acquire or improve upon to be a better husband/father/provider?
– What am I willing to do to learn better skills, and what am I prepared to do to help YOU learn and grow in your responsibilities?
4. Health, Food and Nutrition:
– What do we consider important here?
– How will we deal with minor illnesses in our family? What kinds of medication do I consider appropriate? How will we deal with major illnesses?
– Review Section 89 of the D&C. How do we interpret this section? What are our insights? To what extent are we willing to follow the noncompulsory parts of its direction?
– What kind of responsibility do I feel toward proper nutrition? What are my standards on the “quality” of the food we buy or grow and feed our family?
– What foods are “comfort foods” to me? or my personal or traditional favorites? Do I have an opinion on the ‘type’ of foods we eat as a family?
– Am I willing to have new food experiences? What foods do I have a strong dislike to? How will we compromise here?
5. Family Preparedness and Food Storage:
When we were newly married, we decided on some basic things which we thought were important to acquire for our independence and self reliance. ie: a few flashlights, coal oil lanterns with extra wicks and sufficient oil for many days use, wheat grinder, food dehydrator, canner, sufficient jars for home canning, juicer, battery operated radio etc. Money was always scarce but the motivation was high. We used birthdays and Christmases and any other opportunity to acquire them for each other, put on a wish list or sacrifice to purchase. – Cindy
– What are our priorities in the area of Family Preparedness and Emergency Preparedness? What is the difference?
– What are our goals? What are we prepared to do to meet these goals?
– There is strong counsel to STORE WHAT YOU EAT, AND EAT WHAT YOU STORE. To store food you don’t normally eat, doesn’t make any sense at all. But to not eat what you’ve got stored to keep it constantly rotated makes even less, and leads to waste. Wasted food = wasted money.
– What are our individual opinions on the counsel to store food? How do we feel about that counsel and what is my/your/our commitment to it?
– How does that counsel fit into what we see going on in the world around us?
– How much of our family budget are we prepared to spend building up and then maintaining our year’s supply of food and other necessities?
– How will we obey the prophet’s counsel to plant a garden in whatever living situation we find ourselves? Remember that he gives us no commandment without providing a way for us to accomplish that thing.
6. Entertainment and Gifts:
President Hinckley said “When there is a good movie in town, consider going to the theater as a family. Your very patronage will give encouragement to those who wish to produce this type of entertainment. . . . There is so much that is good, but it requires selectivity. . . . . In large measure, we get what we ask for.”
“…if there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.” A/F 13
– What is my favorite type of entertainment?
– What would I consider doing as a regular form of entertainment?
– On a monthly basis?
– On a once in awhile basis?
– On a seasonal/yearly/anniversary celebration basis?
– How much money would I consider fair and reasonable to budget/spend on these forms of entertainment?
– Some couples do not give gifts to each other. Some consider it very important. How do I feel about it? How do YOU feel about it? If our opinions differ, what will we do here?
– What would I expect in the way of a birthday gift? Christmas gift? Anniversary gift?
– What would disappoint me and hurt my feelings concerning a gift from you?
– What would I absolutely love to receive from you?
– What type of gift would always be a hit with me?
7. Personal standards:
Personal standards are hugely important, and they affect every facet of our lives. We are ruled by our own personal standards. So, what are mine? Am I consistent with them? Do they transition smoothly to all areas?
President Hinckley said “The flood of pornographic filth, the inordinate emphasis on sex and violence are not peculiar to North America. The situation is as bad in Europe and in many other areas. The whole dismal picture indicates a weakening rot seeping into the very fiber of society. Legal restraints against deviant moral behavior are eroding under legislative enactments and court opinions. This is done in the name of freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom of choice in so-called personal matters. But the bitter fruit of these so-called freedoms has been enslavement to debauching habits and behavior that leads only to destruction. A prophet, speaking long ago, aptly described the process when he said, “And thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell” (2 Nephi 28:21). ……. I am satisfied that there is no need to stand still and let the filth and violence overwhelm us or to run in despair. The tide, high and menacing as it is, can be turned back if enough … will add their strength to the strength of the few who are now effectively working. I believe the challenge to oppose this evil is one from which [we], as citizens, cannot shrink. …. Respect for self is the beginning of virtue. That man [woman] who knows that he/she is a child of God, created in the image of a divine [parent] and gifted with a potential for the exercise of great and godlike virtues, will discipline himself against the sordid, lascivious elements to which all are exposed. Said Alma to his son Helaman, “Look to God and live” (Alma 37:47).” – Gordon B. Hinckley
– How do I feel about protecting my home, my family and myself from the plague of Pornography?
– What steps am I prepared to take to assure we are not poisoned by it?
– What about inappropriate music? And other forms of entertainment which chase away the spirit of God?
– How do I feel about the prophet’s admonition to not watch R–rated movies, or anything like unto them?
– How important is it to me to have the spirit of the Lord in my home at all times? What am I prepared to do to make sure it is always there?
– Do I sup from the scriptures daily? And do I consider it important to study daily as a couple and family?
– How will we do this? What commitment will we make to each other to continue?
– If circumstances interfere from time to time, what will we do to get back-on-the-wagon?
– How important is it to me to align myself with the counsel of the leaders of the church? Of what value is this in my life?
– How important is it to me to have a clean house? What does this even look like to me? What am I prepared to do to accomplish this?
– Do we have similar standards on personal hygiene/grooming? Are we compatible in this area?
– How important is it to me to keep a close relationship with my immediate and extended family?
– What am I prepared to do to learn to appreciate and come to love YOUR family?
-If one of my siblings needs help, what obligation will I feel toward them? Will I feel the same obligation to one of your siblings?
Etiquette is a societal thing; it changes from one society to another, but wherever you live, it is very important. It is a set of ‘norms’ of personal behaviour in polite society. They show respect to others. Eating at someone else’s table where you don’t understand their etiquette can be offensive, disrespectful, intimidating and embarrassing. Learning regional and cultural variances is easy to adjust to when you have a good foundational knowledge of some basics. Understanding and being comfortable with good table manners will always put an individual in the advantage. – Cindy Suelzle
– How important are table manners and table etiquette – including setting a proper table to me? How will they help us be comfortable in social situations and help our kids to be comfortable eating with others as they grow older?
– What about good manners in general?
– Speaking about personal respect for each other . . . .
– How will we show respect to and for each other?
– How will we honour each other?
– How should we treat each other in public? What things should we agree to NOT discuss with other people? What guidelines could we agree on to ensure that we do not say things around other people that may hurt our sweetheart’s feelings? How will we know when we have offended our sweetheart’s feelings? And what will we do about it?
– What do I consider RUDE? What do I consider inconsiderate or thoughtless?
– How do we fix things between us?
– What do I need to feel ‘safe’ enough to discuss with you, things that are important to me? …things that are sensitive to me? …. things that are hurtful to me? What can I do to help YOU feel ‘safe’ enough to discuss those things openly with me?
– We have been admonished to study “out of the best books”. How important is a “gospel library” to me? How important is it to me to have a good “classic” library? What kind of plan should we implement to accomplish our goal?
President Hinckley said “You know that your children will read. They will read books, and they will read magazines and newspapers. Cultivate within them a taste for the best. While they are very young, read to them the great stories which have become immortal because of the virtues they teach. Expose them to good books. Let there be a corner somewhere in your house, be it ever so small, where they will see at least a few books of the kind upon which great minds have been nourished. … Let there be good magazines about the house, those which are produced by the Church and by others, which will stimulate their thoughts to ennobling concepts. Let them read a good family newspaper that they may know what is going on in the world without being exposed to the debasing advertising and writing so widely found.”
– How important is music to me?
– What do I consider worthy/appropriate music?
President Hinckley said “Let there be music in the home. If you have teenagers who have their own recordings, you may be prone to describe the sound as something other than music. Let them hear something better occasionally. Expose them to it. It will speak for itself. More appreciation will come than you may think. It may not be spoken, but it will be felt, and its influence will become increasingly manifest as the years pass.”
– How important is it to me to develop a musical talent of mine? What kind of support will I expect?
8. TRADITIONS
– How did my family celebrate Christmas? What was my favourite part?
– What was our traditional meal?
– When did we open gifts? What kinds of things did we get in our stockings?
– How do I feel about continuing my family’s Christmas traditions into our own family?
– How do I think we should keep Christ in our Christmas celebrations?
– What are the best parts of the ways we each celebrated Christmas in the families we grew up with?
– What could we do differently in our home that we will both be happy with?
– What traditions will I bring with me? You with you? Do we agree on the value of these traditions?
– How did my family celebrate Easter? What was my favourite part? What part do I want to continue in my own family?
– How do I feel about Halloween?
– Thanksgiving?
– Summer vacation?
– What is my favorite holiday? And why? How can I share my enthusiasm for this special day with you?
– What style of furniture do I like? What can I be happy with? What compromises am I willing to make?
SPIRITUAL
1. Temple:
The temple is a place of learning – everything in it is symbolic of important gospel truths, and every one of those symbols are intended to help us learn about our relationship with God. We can receive personal revelation while in the temple AS we properly prepare to be there, give ourselves the time to pay attention, the time to think and ponder, keep our dialogue appropriate to temple worship, reflect on our experiences, read and study related gospel material and return often.
– With a temple so close, many couples set a goal or regular attendance. What are our feelings about that?
– What is my feeling about the promise of eternal families that temples represent?
– What goal have I set personally, and will we set as a couple relative to temple attendance?
– What commitments are we willing to make to each other and to ourselves about continued temple worthiness?
2. Private Spiritual Commitment:
– What commitment will we make specifically about scripture study, individual/couple/family prayer, journal writing and family record keeping?
– How will we choose to preserve family memories? (i.e. photos, slides, videos, albums, scrapbooks etc)
– What Christ-like attribute most impressed me about you? drew me to you? and made me want you for my companion?
– What is the thing I admire/respect most about you that I would like to emulate in my life?
– How important to me are the laws, ordinances and principles of the gospel?
– How important is it to me to be align myself to them? How important do I think it should be? Is there even any value in obedience?
– What efforts am I willing to make in my personal desire to have a relationship with my Saviour?
– What is my feeling about regular church attendance?
– What is my feeling toward church service?
– The counsel of the church is to dress as if we are wearing temple garments, even if we are not. How do I feel about modesty in dress and speech?
– What commitment do I feel to dress so that I reflect church standards at all times?
3. Forgiveness:
Lamanites in the Book of Mormon had a generational hatred for the Nephites – based on perceived offences and tradition. Their tradition was simply to ‘hate’ all things Nephite. We know through our study and understanding of the Book of Mormon that their justification for hatred was flawed, based on misunderstandings that they blew out of proportion, and that ultimately resulted in PRIDE. Tribe-Pride is when someone takes on the feeling of justifying unforgiveness or even hatred, because it unites them with their ‘people’. Maybe their people are a school or a community or a religion or a nation or a race or socio-ethnic group or a gender or even a family . . . .
Pride is the feeling that “I am right!” and it is often followed by us taking this stand “I have a reason to be offended because you did something unforgivable.”
But –
– What if WE made mistakes?
– What if WE caused offence to another?
– What if WE knowingly or unknowingly hurt another’s feelings and they were having a hard time forgiving us because of it?
– What if WE didn’t even know that we had caused that offence?
– What if WE deliberately said unkind things to someone because we were protecting ourselves, our family, or felt they deserved it?
– And what if those unkind things caused a rift in our family that lasted for years?
– What if OUR children and that person’s children could never be ‘friends’ because our pride and refusal to forgive forbid it?
– What if WE became responsible for generational hatred?
What if Heavenly Father refused to forgive us? In actual fact, that is what we are in danger of because the Lord tells us in D&C 64:9 “he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin”. And again in Mark 11:25,26 “… if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.”
– What if WE took steps to try to understand another’s perspective?
– What if WE realized that our perspective / our understanding of a situation may have been flawed?
– What if WE had misunderstood a situation, mis-read someone’s intentions, and took offense where none was intended?
– What if WE came to realize that we were perpetuating a perceived offense to justify our own hatred toward another? Turning it into a tradition. Making it a source of Tribe-Pride.
– What if we came to realize that we had become part of the problem?
– What could we do to resolve the disharmony?
– What would we be willing to do?
– It is not possible to be in harmony with God while harbouring hatred for another.
– It is not possible to be a committed disciple of Jesus Christ while refusing to forgive another.
– Are there any situations in my life / your life that cause me / you to feel poorly about one or more individuals in our families?
– Is it possible that my / your justifications for feeling a certain way may be ‘perceived’ or misunderstood? and that the offender didn’t mean to offend?
4. Church Responsibilities:
– What is my commitment level to callings and responsibilities within the Church?
– How willing am I to serve selflessly and faithfully in the Church?
– What will I do to encourage my partner in his/her ministering stewardships?
– What will I do to support and sustain my partner in his/her individual callings?
– What sacrifices am I willing to make for my commitment to the gospel of Jesus Christ and His Church?
5. Tithes and Offerings:
– What do I regard as an honest and full tithing?
– Do we agree on what we consider Increase?
_ How do I feel about fast and other offerings?
– What do I consider a generous fast offering?
– Do we agree on this?
– What about other donations such as the Perpetual Education fund or the Missionary fund?
– Do I believe that blessings will come into our lives as a result of our obeying the law of tithing?
– What about contributing to other funds organized by the Church for the benefit of the charity the Church provides individuals in need?
– Do I have an understanding of the principle of ‘offerings’?
– What is my testimony of this subject?
6. Sabbath Observance:
– What do I consider proper Sabbath observance?
– What are some of the things we should DO on Sunday?
– What are some of the things I feel that we should NOT do in order to keep the Sabbath day separate and holy?
– What are our expectations of each other in this area?
– What would disappoint me regarding our / your Sabbath observance?
7. Family Home Evening:
President Hinckley said “A better tomorrow begins with the training of a better generation. This places upon parents the responsibility to do a more effective work in the rearing of children. The home is the cradle of virtue, the place where character is formed and habits are established. Family home evening is the opportunity to teach the ways of the Lord.”
– What will we do to ensure that we observe the counsel to keep Monday evenings for family when we are still just a couple? What will we do to use this opportunity to strengthen our family in the gospel?
– How will we keep it a priority?
– What commitments are we prepared to make now about Family Home Evening (FHE), that would directly impact our future children regarding the importance of family time and “home centered – church supported” teaching?
ROMANCE
It is a mistake to marry with the intent to change your partner. It’s also not fair. They are what they are, and expecting them to change before you can fully accept or love them is unrealistic and sets them up to fail, and yourself up for disappointment when they do – all based on expectations that never should have been there. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t grow and develop and become better people as individuals and couples – and that we shouldn’t expect that growth and development to be a real and breathing thing in our marriage. We can see the potential in our partners and still love them today.
I love this song by Michael McLean that speaks to that beautifully.
1. Friendship:
– What things are important to me in our continued relationship as FRIENDS?
– What are my expectations from a best friend?
– What am I prepared to do to BE your best friend?
– What do I consider healthy as far as other best friends in my/your life?
– What freedom will I be willing to give my spouse in their pursuit of relationships with other friends?
2. Date Night:
– How committed are we to obeying the council to have regular date night? What value do we see in this practice?
– What good examples can I think of concerning regular date night observance?
– What are we prepared to do on a daily basis to keep the romance in our marriage alive?
– How will we observe special days such as our Anniversary? Each other’s birthdays? Valentine’s Day? Etc. (i.e. some couples celebrate their anniversary date by attending the temple to do sealings. In this way it is a continual reminder of the covenants they made and the promises they can depend on.)
3. Safe Guarding the Other’s Heart:
– If I intend to be happily married to you in 40+ years, what am I prepared to DO and to GIVE until then to ensure it?
– How will we talk about each other in front of other people? (even if we are upset with the other)
– How will we talk to each other in front of other people?
– What precautions will we take to ensure we never undermine, belittle, ridicule, embarrass or insult our sweetheart? (in private or in front of others)
-What if we do offend the other not intending to? What if they get their feelings hurt over something we considered innocent or even funny?
– How will we refer to each other? What terms of endearment am I comfortable with?
– What will we do when we fall out of love? (WE WILL bytheway)
– How will we stay married, and healthy and committed to each other if one day we think that we’ve grown apart? How will we help each other through it?
– How will we communicate to each other that we are in distress, and that something is very wrong in our relationship?
– What are we prepared to do to overcome major difficulties in our relationship?
– What do we expect from each other in the area of commitment and communication?
To God?
To our marriage?
To our children?
To our own family?
To Family Home Evening?
To Date Night?
To our extended families?
To the Church?
And to our community?
4. Intimacy and Pregnancy
– How do I/you feel about purity before marriage?
– Can we be honest with our personal history concerning that?
– Can we deal with it?
– Do we see the need for using a form of birth control? If so, what form will we use?
– What will we do to make sure we are educated and properly informed about current methods of birth control?
– How important is a feeling of ‘trust’ and safety to me in regards to intimacy?
– How important do I think it is that we both feel comfortable about being open and honest in our discussions about intimacy?
– What will we do to be sure we are educated and properly informed about pregnancy and child birth?
– What will we do to ensure optimum health for Mom and baby? How involved do we want Dad to be in the birthing?
– What if the unthinkable happens? ….. miscarriage? What if … our baby dies? How will we help each other through this hard thing?
– What if another unthinkable happens? . . . . . infidelity? What will we do? Can we see ourselves able to forgive? What are our ‘non-negotiables’ in this area?
5. Parenting
– How many children do we want?
– Will Mom stay home to raise them?
– What is my idea of discipline?
– What are some things that I consider very important in child rearing?
– What should we as parents do to ensure that we teach by example such things as respect for womanhood? Manhood? Etiquette? Table manners? Good housekeeping? Personal cleanliness? Personal responsibility? etc.
– What are things I consider essential to teach children?
– Where will we turn to learn parenting skills?
– How will we teach our children that the Church is true? That we love, respect and obey the prophet of God? And that Jesus Christ is the cornerstone of our life?
– How will I show my children that the scriptures are important to me? And that they can come to know Jesus Christ through their own personal study of them?
– What efforts will we make to encourage our children to stay active in the Church? And to adhere to the counsel it provides?
– How will I show them the importance of education and help them to develop a love of reading?
– What are some absolute taboos concerning children in my opinion?
– What do I feel very strongly about – concerning behaviors we will encourage, those we allow and behaviors we will absolutely forbid? Do we agree? What should we do to ensure compliance with these behaviors?
– What if we have an unhealthy, disabled or otherwise challenged child? Perhaps a down syndrome child, or one who has a serious illness or disability? How do we plan to be the best parents possible no matter what that looks like?
– What did our parents do right in the parenting department, that we’d like to emulate?
– What improvements can we make over our parents’ best attempts, to continue to become the best parents our children deserve?
Other things of importance to consider.
– What are my priorities in the area of TIME?
– What do I consider a big waste of time? – a moderate waste of time?
– Where would I absolutely draw the line in my flexibility of my partner doing something I consider to be a waste of time, money and energy? Or something I feel very strongly against?
– What are my priorities in the area of money?
– What do I consider a big waste of money? – a moderate waste of money?
– Where would I absolutely draw the line in my tolerance of my partner spending money in what I consider to be a waste of money?
– How would I like to spend the hours of an entire free day with you?
– How would I like to spend the hours of an entire free day without you?
note from Cindy:
These questions have been edited continually since I first drafted them for Sarah – many years ago. I think it’s helpful to be accountable to someone that you have indeed been through each one. For my kids, I tried to give them one sheet at a time, and when they told me they were ready for another, I gave it to them. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to communicate, now and throughout your marriage. If there are serious ‘issues’ with any of these questions, be aware of them today, before you are married. If they cannot be resolved, learn that now – BEFORE you go to the alter.
Add to them as you see fit.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Warmly,
Cindy Suelzle