Month: January 2024

two Life Hacks that changed my life

Somewhere within my first year of marriage (within the first 6 months), I experienced an abrupt metamorphosis in my life.  I stopped going out.  Stopped leaving our apartment.  Stopped even answering the door.  It didn’t happen suddenly but sudden enough.  It took months before it became evident that it was a ‘problem’ more than a choice.  I wouldn’t go downstairs to use the washing machine.  Dan bought me a little washing machine we hooked up to the kitchen sink.  I wouldn’t use the dryer so we had clothes hanging all over the living room for hours to dry.  I’d go to church and to my parents and Dan’s parents houses, but no where else – unless Dan was with me.  I wouldn’t go for a walk.  If Dan wasn’t home I wouldn’t answer the door.  It went on for a couple of years.  We had disagreements about it.  Dan would say “You NEVER go anywhere!” 
“Yes I do. I go to Church.  I go to your Mom’s.” 
“You never go anywhere without me.” 
“I go to Relief Society.”   Those were places I felt safe. 

Dan tried his best to encourage me to go out.  We’d go for walks.  We’d go over to Westmount Mall across the street.  He tried to get me to apply for a part time job.  One day he pushed me out the door, and told me not to come back for an hour. 
“I don’t care where you go” he said.  “Anywhere! But do not walk back inside this door for at least an hour.”
I sat on the back door step and cried for an hour, then came back and said I’d gone for a walk. 

That might have been my first big clue as to how big this problem was becoming.  I was pregnant with my first baby and I began to wonder what kind of a mother I could be.  What would I do when it came time for him to go to school?  I knew I couldn’t take him the way I was.  I began to acknowledge that this was bigger than me, and all my excuses and justifications began to sound lame – even to me.  I realized they were strategies to cover up the fact that I wouldn’t / couldn’t leave the house. 

Five babies and I never went to a single doctor’s appointment alone. 

After Jacob was born I began having Dan drop me off at the library on his way back to work after lunch.  I would hide in the back behind books with the baby stroller until I was brave enough to walk by the librarian and out the door.  Then I’d walk home.  Eventually I got brave enough to get a library card and actually sign out a few books.  It was pathetically slow progress, but it was empowering. 

“Cognitive Behavioral Therapy” is the term Luke told me described what I was doing. 

It took me YEARS to get through it.  Years of being controlled by fear.  Thousands of experiences.  Lots of strategies that I would implement in trying to control my fear. 

No one ever knew what we were dealing with, although my behaviour had to have been difficult for some people to understand and I’m sure there were rolled eyes – because sometimes my excuses sounded lame even to me.  I remember once a friend at church telling me “They totally knew you were home Cindy”  after I couldn’t open the door when the home teachers stopped by.  Dan wasn’t home and I didn’t know they were coming.  I couldn’t deal with surprises like that.  I was SO embarrassed. We lived in a branch, so they had driven over 30 minutes to get to my house.  I felt terrible.  Still do. 

One evening, – skipping several years and four kids ahead – Dan and I were watching W5 on TV, and they did an Expose’ on Agoraphobia.  We were riveted to the screen.  We had never heard anything like it.  I remember saying to Dan “There’s a name for it.  It’s a thing!  There are people like me.” 
You never see them of course.  Because they’re at home. 

Skip ahead another few years – I thought I was better. 

After I had Luke I said to Dan while we were doing dishes together one evening.  “Its happening again.  I can feel it.  I’m in trouble.” 
He said “No Cindy.  We’ll never let it happen again.  We know what to look for now.” 
“Seriously?   I haven’t been out of this house in six weeks.  Did you even know that?” 
No.  He didn’t.  And that was what scared me.
“You LIVE with me!  That’s how good I am at this.  Not even the people I live with know what I’m doing.”  It took me three weeks before even I knew what I was doing – but at some point my reasons started sounding contrived, and I knew.   I also knew that if I fell back into that hole – I’d probably never have what it took to get back out again.  I knew there wasn’t a thing Dan could do if I didn’t buy in. 

I began to develop strategies.  It helped that I had told Dan. 

Skip ahead another few years.  We owned the bookstore by then.  I started working a little from home.  On the computer. I had the ability to manage the store computer from home.  One day I said to Dan “It’s happening again.  I can feel it.” 
“No Cindy.  We’ll never let it happen again.” 
“Dan! I haven’t walked out that front door for over TWO WEEKS!  Did you even know that?” 
No.  He didn’t.  “I manage a bookstore!  Dan if I can figure out how to stay home, you’ll never get me outta here again!” 

I began to think of it as my demon.

So all that was to give you some context for the Life Hack that changed my life. 

My first year working in the bookstore – I didn’t know anything. Christmas.  Wow.  In a retail business I discovered, your 4^th quarter is everything.  A good 4^th quarter will pay your rent till June – which you need, because not every quarter is a good one.  That first January I had a big crash. 

The next couple of years as I learned the business, that 4^th quarter became even more stressful. Christmas started in April – and I started seeing old familiar feelings surface.  But now I was trapped.  Old strategies weren’t transferable.

I remember kneeling beside my bed – begging for help.  And I hit upon a plan.  I would schedule a CRASH for January.  That way I could be in control of it.  I looked at my calendar – and with all my January commitments in mind – found THREE days that I could afford to have a nervous breakdown.  I blocked them off and let everyone know that I was out of commission those days.  They became sacred days to me.  And I knew that they had to trump everything.  I had too much at stake to lose control again.  I knew that if I didn’t control my demons, they’d control me.  I’d been there.  I had done that.  I never wanted to go back again. 

I remember standing at the til chatting with customers and occasionally one of those days might get mentioned.  “Oops” I’d say “I can’t be there.  I’m having my nervous breakdown that week.” 

It became something to chuckle at and joke about – but I was dead serious.  I knew that those three days I would be home.  Doing – – – who knew?  Maybe read.  Maybe stare out the window.  Maybe I’d have a few hot baths or stay in my pajamas all day.  I didn’t plan to answer the door, or even answer the phone. 

It was therapeutic even thinking about it.  Freeing.  It was my light at the end of the tunnel.  Every long day as I drove home overwhelmed – I’d think “This is okay.  I’m having a nervous breakdown on January 22.  I can do anything.”  By PLANNING it, and scheduling it I controlled the when and where.  By limiting it to three days I stayed in control.  I might stay in bed and cry for three days, but at the end of that third day – I knew in the morning, I’d get up, shower and dress and life would go on. 

I cannot tell you how much that helped. 

I’ve since discovered there’s a name for that too.  MAP.  My Action Plan. 

Who Knew? 

My MAP evolved – it changed the way it looked over time, but I kept those days – and I kept control.  It was the light at the end of my tunnel. 

I learned many things through this process –

1. I learned what Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is.  Who Knew that going to the library and hiding out behind the books before could have such a cool name?
   
2. I learned that we can help ourselves and that if we don’t – nobody else can. 
   
3. I learned that we never know what someone else is going through. 
   
4. I learned that we need to give people grace.  No matter what.   
   
5. I learned the meaning of this scripture “IF men come unto me, I will show unto them their weakness.  I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for IF they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me THEN will I make weak things become strong unto them.”  Ether 12:27 
   That’s an IF – THEN promise. My favourite kind.
   
6. I learned that my weaknesses were MINE. They are actually a gift – specially designed for me. Given to me from God. They’re not going anywhere. They can however, be changed into strengths if I allow that to happen. “I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.” DC 82:10 Of all that I could have bound to me, I can think of nothing I’d prefer than Him.
   
7. I learned that weaknesses don’t just go away. Though it may seem that they have – they are in fact, still there. You learn to manage them, but they’re always yours. Remember, they have a purpose.
   
8. I learned to “search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, IF ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted …” DC 90:24
   
   ALL things – that’s pretty inclusive.  It doesn’t say ‘some’ things.  It doesn’t say ‘most’ things.  It doesn’t say all things except mental illness or cancer.  It literally says “ALL things.”  That means even our weaknesses, IF we walk uprightly and remember our covenants.  Another IF – THEN promise. 
   
9. I learned that with God, my weaknesses can become strengths. But that doesn’t happen by pretending they’re not there. 

All this is very self absorbing. And its easy to get lost in one’s SELF. But to do that is contrary to God’s way. Somewhere along the line, I learned another hack that helped immensely. In a private conversation in our family room – Michael McLean shared a hack of his own. He has never made a secret of the fact that he suffers from clinical depression. That’s his demon. And yet, he’s a performer, in the public eye a lot. What seems to be his greatest strength is actually his weakness turned inside out. I asked him “What about when you’re not feeling it? What about if you just don’t feel that you can pull it off?”
His answer: “Sometimes, its not about YOU.”

He shared his testimony about the antidote to “YOU”. He said that if it was always about him, he’d hardly ever do anything. He said that sometimes it had to be about something more. Look up, and look outward. As a people, we greatly desire to become Christlike. We try to be Christlike. We pray to be more Christlike. So IF that’s truly what we want, when was it about Him? In all scripture – when was it about Him? It was always about someone else. The person he was healing, preaching the doctrine of his father, even on the cross it wasn’t about him. Twice in scripture the Savior posed the question – “What manner of men [and women] ought ye to be?” The second time his answer was “Verily I say unto you, even as I am” (3 Nephi 27:27) So it becomes a point of doctrine to try to be like Him.

Michael said to me, that before entering any door – we should briefly pause and ask ourselves – “Who is the most important person in this room?” Then look around. Occasionally the answer may be ‘me’. Today I am the most important person in this room. And if we are, then we are entitled to all sorts of self centered thoughts, opinions and feelings. “I’m uncomfortable. I’m busy. I have a lot on my mind. I don’t even really want to be here. I never know where to sit anyway.” And all those self directed thoughts are justifiable – when you’re the most important person in the room.

But what if – just IF, you’re not. What if you decide that . . . SHE is the most important person in the room. Immediately, your thoughts shift. You think – “Wow, she’s having a good hair day. Looks like a new dress. I really like that colour on her. There’s an empty chair beside her. I should tell her how much I enjoyed her son’s talk in sacrament meeting. I should tell her what a kick I got out of her daughter when I subbed in primary last week.” See how things in your head change? Less thinking about you – and more about someone else – creates a headspace that is more healthy. More selfLESS. More willing to serve. More considerate of another’s feelings. More willing to take care of someone else. It is true what they say, about focusing outward. God can work with you better when you’re willing to look outward.

Talk about your Action Plan. Best action plan ever!.

By doing that – you take care of yourself in the best way possible, and you invite the spirit to hang out with you more often. Your best friend.

These are two of my Life Hacks. 
1. TAKE CONTROL of your weaknesses BEFORE they control you. 
Give them some space. A safe place. And fair time. Then put them away.
2. Remember, it’s not always about YOU. In fact, it seldom is.

You’ve got this. With God, “All things” can work together for your good. Believe it.

Warmly,

Cindy Suelzle