This article is for scaredy cats. Those people who are afraid to try new things.
And I’m taking my courage from CAULIFLOWER!
Have you ever tried Cauliflower pizza?
There was a time I couldn’t imagine pizza crust made out of cauliflower, and I’m pretty sure Cauliflower once couldn’t imagine that either. Try to visualize how intimidating it must have been to go nose to nose with traditional Italian pizza crust – when you’re a lowly head of cauliflower.
But I kinda like it. And I think Cauliflower likes it too. At least its very good at it.
We learn many things by watching other people.
Think about how a baby learns to walk. Why would a baby even WANT to walk?
I expect that seeing everybody else in their world walk might have something to do with it. It would soon become evident to them that running gets us places faster, but one must learn to walk before we can run. From there we can see that riding a bike gets us places even faster. And driving a car – even faster.
Everything we learn gives us EXPERIENCE AND CONFIDENCE to learn something NEW.
It builds on itself. Without the ability to walk, riding a bike is never gonna happen.
It’s a process. So CHOOSING not to learn something because its hard, prevents us from learning something else down the road.
How many of us just LOVE starting something completely NEW that we haven’t got a clue in a haystack how to do? And that we may very well suck at? If you’re the type of person who does like trying new things, then chances are you’ve had some prior experiences that provided you confidence that you had a pretty good chance of succeeding. Usually we need some inner assurance that we have the tools to figure things out before we start.
I want you to give this statement the minute that it deserves. Embracing its message will change your life for good. I totally believe it. The Most Important Skill you can ever have is the Skill to Learn New Skills. And it IS a skill. A learned skill.
I have five children. Everyone of them very unique with different personalities, strengths and weaknesses. When I registered my oldest up for any sort of activity he was in major distress. I remember walking him to his first “Beavers” meeting (a pre-cub part of the scouting program back in the day). I held his hand as we walked, me trying to encourage him while he protested the whole way “Why do I have to meet new people? Why do I have to do new things? Why do I have to learn new stuff?” I wept when I walked home without him.
I am not certain he ever got to the point where he enjoyed it. And it was the same thing for years, when I took him to Cubs, to swimming lessons, to other activities, even encouraging him to go to dances as a young teenager. Sometime later I was walking to another first Beaver meeting with our third child – deja vu – me holding his hand, giving him the pep talk all the way there. I worried (because of #1’s bad experience), as we were a little bit behind our time, and I knew the kids would all be sitting in a circle by the time we arrived, but when we walked in, he took one look at those other little boys and joyfully exclaimed “Look at all those new FRIENDS!” I wept again when I walked home without him, but this time for a different reason. Those differing life philosophies ushered in very different life experiences for each of them, and though they have grown to be good men, husbands and fathers, confidently social in their own lives – their journeys were unique and tailored to their own needs.
I’m gonna tell you a story that exemplifies this principle.
Many years ago, our family bought a bookstore. It had been failing for quite some time, but we were sure we could make it much better. We had five kids at home at the time, our oldest two being 17 and 18 years old.
I had romanticized the whole vision of a ‘family business’, believing my family would enthusiastically get involved, as we’d agreed when ‘as a family’ we discussed buying it. In reality, it became evident that no one wanted to change the way they were living life already – including me if truth be told. But I had the disadvantage – because the buck stopped with me, and there is NOTHING convenient or easy about owning your own business (at least not in the first few years).
For one thing, Saturdays ceased to have the same meaning they used to. I hadn’t really envisioned that. I hadn’t envisioned the 12-16 hour days I sometimes spent at the store either, and then coming home to the same things that I used to do before store days. (That’s how I started reckoning time – Before Store, After Store.) I hadn’t envisioned a monthly family home evening activity spent together at the store, vacuuming, dusting and cleaning bathrooms etc. I hadn’t envisioned Christmas starting in April – and intensifying from August onward. I hadn’t envisioned being away for 10 days every August on a business trip. I hadn’t envisioned not having time to do Christmas the way I used to, because I was so busy trying to make Christmas work at the store.
I hadn’t envisioned the work, the hours, the stress, the sacrifices, nor the BLESSINGS that would come to our family as we (mostly I) learned to deal with those things and work them into our new life with the store. All those details must be written in the ‘fine print’ of life that I didn’t take the time to read through. And I’m really glad I didn’t because if I had, I almost certainly would have been scared off and would never have purchased the store. And if we hadn’t purchased it, yes I would have missed all those hard things, but I would have missed out on the hundreds of good things that came with it, like the connections I made through my time there. I would have missed the chances to get to know some marvelous human beings who became very important to me, some becoming dear, dear friends. I would have missed the growth that I experienced through those times.
Yes, I would have missed out on some grief, but I wouldn’t have had it to provide balance and learning for times ahead. Everything about those 20 years involved new experiences with huge learning curves.
things like ORDERING
When I first started working at our bookstore, I didn’t have a clue how to order product – let alone what to order. I had established accounts with what would become our main vendors, but everything else was a mystery. This was pre-computer days and most of my ordering at the beginning was done over the phone, going through an order form with the person on the other end.
You could say I WAS LEARNING TO WALK.
things like the COMPUTER! argh
Computers were not a thing in stores when we started, in fact, computers were not much of a thing for me at all! A few years in, Dan had the bright idea to get us on to the computer, and he purchased a program called BOOK MANAGER, (which bytheway, is an amazing program that I highly recommend). Previous to that time, I had spent approximately ZERO time on the computer – other than using Word as a typewriter, and to say I was intimidated is putting it mildly.
Dan was working full time elsewhere and he used a computer at work so he was quite a bit more comfortable than I was, and because of his experience – to exemplify my earlier point – he had experience that provided him with assurance that this was a good move. He would come in at night when the store was closed, to try to familiarize himself with the program, and then coach me on it over the phone when I would hit a road block during the day.
We had tech support available with Book Manager, but I wouldn’t phone them.
I would phone Dan and say “DAN! This Stupid, STUPID, STUPID COMPUTER!”
Have you ever been so intimidated by something new?
He would gently say “Calm down Cindy, tell me what’s happening?” Sometimes he’d have to phone Book Manager to ask them for help, then he’d phone me back and try to explain it. It didn’t take too long before my questions got bigger than he could handle, and he started encouraging me to phone BM myself. I would say “I am NOT phoning Book Manager! YOU phone them.”
Finally, one day he just had to say “I can’t help you anymore Cindy. You’re gonna have to phone BM.”
I worried because only Dan spoke my language. Only Dan understood how clueless and scared I really was and had the patience to explain things simply enough for me. Inevitably though, it became necessary for me to phone BM myself. I had no choice, and I clearly recall my first time talking to their tech support person (who I would become very familiar with in time), saying “Let’s both of us pretend I’m 7 years old. You talk to me as if I was, and we should understand each other perfectly.”
Well, who knew?! Tech support people are quite accustomed to talking to 7 year olds,
and a whole new world opened up for me. One that wasn’t nearly as scary as I expected it to be.
You could say I WAS LEARNING TO RUN.
And just in time too, because soon enough EVERYTHING we did at the store was on the computer. It became the way of doing business and those small businesses who didn’t embrace it got left in the dust. We could never have moved ahead without the advantages of the computer.
When you are stuck and feeling overwhelmed, ASK others for Help. Don’t make it their responsibility for you to learn. Put in the work. LEARN from others by first ASKING for help.
I don’t consider myself a whiz on the computer, but I’ve used it enough to have confidence in being able to figure it out. Confidence I never would have gained if I hadn’t just jumped in and done what needed to be done (even if I was kicking and screaming the whole way). Of course I still often have to ask for help, but I know it can be done so its not quite so intimidating. ‘Asking’ is one of those skills we Learn. I shudder to think now of how long it would have taken me to gain confidence on the computer if I hadn’t been CORNERED into it by our circumstances in those early days. The point is, I didn’t HAVE to do that. I could have flatly refused to go into that scary arena, and thereby denied myself many experiences that I’ve been able to build on since then.
PERSONAL GROWTH transitions into every part of our lives.
LINE UPON LINE. PRECEPT UPON PRECEPT. Everything you learn benefits you, some times in unexpected ways.
things like EMAILS
The day we took over our store, I began gathering a mailing list so we could send out catalogues. Soon after, I began gathering email addresses. I had no idea then HOW I was going to use them, but it seemed important to start gathering as a way of staying in touch.
One day I was alone in the store, familiarizing myself with product and I picked up a book with a lousy cover. I began reading it, and was surprised to discover it was an excellent read, but because of its cover, I knew it would remain a ‘hidden gem’ without my help. I thought “How am gonna attract attention to this book? And how am I going to get people to come in to learn about it anyway?”
After reading it I knew I’d recommend it, and I knew what I would say about it – so I typed my message, and I sent it to my email list – such as it was. No pictures. No ability to insert pictures in those days. Just text. A couple hours later, someone came into the store asking for the book they had read my email about. That opened my eyes, and I started looking at email as an important tool.
Some time later, I was talking about that example with a fellow bookstore manager. She asked me to add her to my email list so she could get some ideas. I did, and she began sending out emails using my ideas, except that she tweaked them and made them better. And of course she had some ideas of her own. I was on her email list so while she was learning from me, I was also learning from her. We made quite a team, and we both got better at what we were doing. Her store was on the U.S. east coast, mine was on the Canadian prairies, so it was highly unlikely our customers would ever overlap.
One day we were talking about our experiences when another bookstore owner from Florida joined in and asked us to add him to our email lists. We did, and he added us. Soon the three of us – who all sold the same things, were learning from each other. Best thing we ever did. For ourselves and for each other.
You could say I WAS LEARNING TO RIDE A BIKE
You don’t have to be ALONE – even when what you’re doing seems like a solitary endeavour.
Help others. Be patient with them. You know what its like to be where they are.
things like FACEBOOK
One year, this same bookstore friend and I attended a Convention of the ABA – American Booksellers Association. We sat in on a workshop about videoing and sharing videos. This was NEW stuff back in the day, before YouTube. People were using FLIPCAMS. I know I’m dating myself, it seems that smart phones have always been here, but . . . . nope, they’re pretty new.
We attended another workshop. On FACEBOOK, (also relatively NEW). Both of those workshops blew my mind. I remember walking out of that class like a deer in the headlights, saying to Kay “We gotta get on facebook.”
Try to think back to the early days when you too, were starting facebook.
She phoned me the next week and told me “I did it. I got on facebook!”
I said “Great. What did you do on it?”
“Nothing. But I’m on. Are you?”
She had a point and I followed her example, taking the plunge. But neither of us knew what to do with it. It seems so ridiculous now, but when some thing is that new – its kind’a hard to figure out, and more than a little bit scary.
I recall racking my brain trying to figure out what to say, let alone trying to imagine how on earth it could possibly help our businesses. Since then, FACEBOOK has become a way of life for me – its how I stay in touch with friends, family, even my own community and neighbourhood. I love being connected with extended family members who, because of distance, its unlikely we’ll ever see again in this life. It’s how I do a lot of my business. It’s hard to imagine those early days.
The point is – to use what’s available. It probably doesn’t even matter which platform you decide on. Everybody’s got their favourite. Be Brave – pick one.
If you’re choosing NOT to use Social media,
you’re choosing TO NOT reach people you don’t see everyday.
things like FACEBOOK LIVES etc
Several years ago, I was with some friends when we learned about Facebook LIVE videos. As we drove home, we talked about it and agreed to try doing them. We decided we’d all try it together, supporting each other in our own individual endeavours – and learning from each other. We did. Truth is, it was painful at first – for all of us, not just me. But we got kinda comfortable after a while and we learned it was an excellent tool to help us in our businesses.
You could say I WAS LEARNING TO DRIVE a CAR
Watch others. Learn from what you see. Watching others will give you ideas.
things like YOUTUBE
There was a day (in the not-too-distant past) that I could not even imagine myself taking the step into Youtube. I’m not that far into the experience at this point, but my daughter in law thought I could and that I should, and she encouraged me to take the step, helping me along the way. I learned a lot from taking advantage of some training Bill Keller provided, and by asking him questions, and by watching lots of videos similar to what I wanted to do, and by just doing it.
Bill kept saying – “JUST JUMP IN”, but it took me a long time to ‘jump in’, and it was scary as heck.
Have you ever tried something that you were scared of?
The hardest part of Youtube and Facebook lives for me – was getting in front of the camera.
I’d really rather video someone else.
But mine is a personal business. My face IS my business. And likely, so is yours. Getting people to know me – recognize me – listen to me – trust me, is critical to my business. And an excellent way for me to do that is to talk to them as if I were right with them – through the camera. Social media (including YouTube) makes the world a much smaller place.
I watched others. There’s no shortage of videos to watch. I learned from what I watched. Sometimes my intimidation is greatly reduced when I watch other ‘normal’ people in front of the camera. It gives me courage, and I think “I can do that.”
Sometimes, the company I work for comes up with Challenges designed to help us gain skills. I look forward to these challenges because they’re such a good way for me to stretch myself and learn new things. I do things I never thought of before. Sometimes they’re very hard for me, and I feel like they must be easier for everyone else. Maybe that’s true, and maybe that’s not. Sometimes they’re so hard they take me HOURS to figure out. And sometimes they frustrate me to tears. But I try very hard to complete them – because they stretch me in a relatively ‘safe’ way, and they’re helpful. I would encourage you to accept sincere growth challenges that come your way. Some of the things I do easily now, I learned by accepting challenges to learn how to do them.
Accept Challenges. Even the hard ones. Figure them out.
If you feel like you don’t know how to do things that others seem to be doing –
If you don’t know where to start.
If you feel a little intimidated,
maybe overwhelmed, even a little bit scared when you think about doing something new,
you’re in GOOD COMPANY. My friend Lisa Warnick said:
If what you’re doing isn’t working anymore, you can just say “but I’ve always done it that way!” It doesn’t matter. In case you haven’t noticed, the world is continuing to go round, and is constantly changing. If you’ve built your whole identity doing things one way and all of a sudden it’s no longer working, you CANnot be afraid to TRY NEW THINGS.
You don’t have to be perfect and do everything. But YOU DO HAVE TO BE BRAVE.
My friend Melanie said:
Trying new things is hard. But look at it as personal development. Things you’re gonna learn along the way will help you in every single area of your life. They will strengthen you and give you confidence. In and out of business.
If you walk away with anything from anything I said, I hope you walk away with these 5 summary points.
- Try something NEW. Be open. Be teachable. Be willing.
- Ask for help
- Find a friend to have the experience with. Be a team player.
- Watch others do it. You don’t have to re-invent the wheel. Inspiration comes from all different places. Offer help and share where you can.
- Jump In! You don’t need to know it all before you start. You’ll learn more from DOING, than in any other way. Start where you are. Right now.
So let’s talk about CAULIFLOWER PIZZA again –
It’s a miracle really. A freak of nature. BUT . . . . if cauliflower can somehow become pizza, think of what YOU can do!
I’d love to hear your about things you were scared of but that you overcame.
Warmly,
Cindy Suelzle
*additional note of interest:
Lucius Annaeus Seneca the Younger was a Stoic philosopher of Ancient Rome.
He said “We suffer more often in imagination than in reality“. In my life I can attest that this is absolutely true. I cannot count the times I let fear over rule common sense when I as a child avoided needles, dentists and other things intended to help me. As an adult I let fear and anxiety (which is its own form of fear) keep me from leaving my own little comfy corner of the world for years.
My five year old grandson illustrates the principle perfectly.
Jack recently received an immunization with his older brother Charlie. He knew he was going to this appointment and his brother tried to prepare him by assuring him it was easy and wouldn’t hurt – ‘only a little prick’. He went in hesitantly but quietly, remaining quite stoic till the moment he’d been dreading arrived, and his anticipatory fear got the best of him. He screamed so loudly that his brother had to leave the room, and I’m sure there were others who would like to have left the room too. When it was over, he settled down immediately, acknowledging that it really didn’t hurt as much as he feared it might. “Only a little prick” he conceded.
Senaca talked about general ‘anxiety’ that results from our ‘premeditation’ of events being negative. Sometimes its helpful to visualize the worst possible case scenario and then work out strategies about how to deal with it. “What if I did [this] . . . . ?” For years, I have found this ‘worst case scenario’ exercise helpful in putting my fears into proper perspective. In Jack’s case – the two people he most loved and trusted in the world, and who he was absolutely certain loved him, took him to get his immunization. They were with him bodily, supporting him. Would they deliberately hurt him? Could he trust them? What is the worst that could happen to him while sitting on his mom’s lap? If he was older, these are all questions he might have asked himself. We can do the same.
1. Define the worst case scenario of the fear in question:
What is the absolute WORST that could happen? And what does that look like? How likely is that to happen? Would you be able to live with it? If you can find a way to live through the WORST thing possible, then how much easier will it be to live through the more likely outcomes?
2. Come up with a preventative strategy:
What could I do to prevent that worst case scenario? How could I mitigate those possible outcomes?
3. Come up with a repair strategy:
If it did actually turn out as bad as you feared, what would be the long lasting results? How would you handle it? What would you say? What would you do? Who could you turn to? How could you fix it?
The truth is – fear is not always a bad thing. It’s a natural protection and let’s face it, some things should be feared; it’s what keeps us alive and safe. But here’s something that maybe we should fear – letting fear keep us stuck, Tim Ferriss calls it “the cost of inaction“.
“Humans are very good at considering what might go wrong if we try something new.” he says. “What we don’t often consider is the atrocious cost of the status quo — not changing anything.” This is powerful to me, and it gives me reason to pause. The status quo might not always be bad – but it should be weighed out so that we truly are making a decision based on much more than simply ‘fear of action’. Tim Ferriss suggests we ask ourselves “if I avoid this action or decision, . . . what might my life look like in . . six months, twelve months, three years?”
By doing so, we may come to realize that our INaction is no longer an option. You might enjoy this short video about defining and dealing with your fears.
“Easy choices, hard life. Hard choices, easy life.” – Jerzy Gregorek